C-SPAN: Broadcasting Live From Russia

Bruh, honestly, we, the American people, must be living in the Twilight Zone. Day after day, new situations arise that make me question my sanity, man. Look, all I really want to know is, why is Russia in all of our shit, son? It’s bad enough they purposely hacked us to influence our presidential election, but now they’re fucking with our television networks? Why is Russia becoming so emboldened with the fuck shit and why is America doing nothing about it? On the real, we need to put these clowns back in their place before we find the KGB ordering breakfast at Starbucks.

Now, for those who are unaware, last night, during an online feed of the House of Representatives on C-SPAN, the programming was interrupted by the Kremlin-backed RT channel. Keep in mind, this channel is one of the entities suspected of working with WikiLeaks to disseminate hacked information. Even though C-SPAN stated they’re still investigating the issue, they were quick to say “we don’t believe that we were hacked.” Well, if they’re still trying to find the root cause of the interruption, how do they know whether or not they were hacked? Why are folks always so quick to dismiss Russian meddling? Honestly, I’m beginning to think people want Russian influence on our government. That’s the only reason I can think of as to why certain people just continually shrug these actions off.

In my eyes, if this isn’t Russian hacking, then it’s a HELL of a coincidence, son. After all of the nonsense they pulled during our election, I’m extremely doubtful this is just some random occurrence. With all of the intelligence reports circulating around about Russian tomfoolery, do people really expect me to believe they just happened to broadcast over a faction of our Congress? Man, get the flying fuckity-hot-fuck outta here, son! Anyone who believes that is dumber than Forrest Gump trying to ride a hoverboard.

In the end, my head hurts, man. America is becoming a clown show and all of these countries see it. That’s exactly why Russia feels like they can do whatever they want. We’re about to have an administration that’s too stupid to see they’re getting played. At this rate, my wife may just convince me to go back to the Caribbean after all. LC out.

Joseph Fiennes Killed Michael Jackson Again

So, I want everyone reading this to take a hard look at the picture above. LOOK AT THAT SHIT, MAN! Who approved this fuckery, son?! Why would Hollywood allow this bullshit to happen? I know the film industry has a long, looooooong history of Whitewashing historically Black characters, but this is out of control, man. All I know is, Joseph Fiennes and the entire staff of Elizabeth, Michael & Marlon need to be beaten with rubber hoses for what they did to Michael Jackson.

Now, before I continue eviscerating Fiennes for the bullshit makeup on his face, I want to talk about the plot of this movie. So, apparently, right after the 9/11 attacks, Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando hopped in a car and road tripped with each other from New York to California. Needless to say, shenanigans ensued along the way. *Sigh* Like, that’s a real plot, son. I mean, let’s put all of this into perspective. First, a screenplay was written about this. Next, a director signed on to make this. Finally, a cast and crew was put together to complete this. Along the way, ANYONE could’ve been like “ay, yo, this is a stupid ass idea.” However; NO ONE said that, son. I’m fucking baffled, man. Absolutely baffled.

Ok, getting back to Fiennes, I have so many fucking questions, son. First, why was this White dude allowed to play one of our greatest Black icons in the first place? Look, this isn’t a fictional character where it’s up to interpretation. Michael Joseph Jackson was a living, breathing human being and he was BLACK! All the vitiligo and plastic surgery in the world couldn’t change the fact that he was a Negro from Gary, Indiana, bro. Now, if anyone questions that, just go look at the rest of his family, man. Shit, Jermaine Jackson‘s face is probably super greasy as we speak, son.

Moving on, let’s talk about Fiennes’ makeup. Ok, look, in the latter parts of his life, MJ looked like a damn fool, son. I’ll be the first to admit that. With that being said, how in the fuck does Fiennes look even worse than the real MJ? How, Sway? How?! Bruh, I’m sure there are a billion pictures of Michael circulating around the internet right now. This crew couldn’t do a better job of approximating that man’s face?! I… I’m at a fucking loss for words, son. Mixing gall with an utter lack of execution is dangerous as all hell, man. 

In the end, I’m speechless, son. Joseph Fiennes and the cast of Elizabeth, Michael & Marlon murdered MJ for a second time. Shit, they need to be in prison with Conrad Murray. Look, even though Murray was an incompetent doctor, he wasn’t aiming to kill Mike. On the other hand, the clowns who worked on this movie did this bullshit on purpose. *Sigh* I’m out.

Donald Trump Loves Golden Showers

So, let me begin this post by saying there is no actual evidence to suggest that Donald Trump loves golden showers. As of right now, Ben Smith‘s dossier in BuzzFeed is the only article to mention the possibility of Trump paying hookers to piss on him. Now, even after saying that, I guarantee some idiot is going to read my headline and get pissed (phrasing). Well, stupid is as stupid does, son. I have no control over people’s reactions, man. In any case, the real story here is the allegations that Russia has damaging personal and financial information about Trump. With that being said, all I want to know is, if this is the case, why was Hillary Clinton the only person harmed by Russian hacking?

Now, at this point, I don’t have to tell anyone what happened during the election, man. If someone is unaware of the fuckery that occurred over the past year, then they’re lost anyway. In any case, American intelligence agencies have made it well known that Russia engaged in various hacks, in an attempt to influence our presidential election. Despite the fact that Trump and his team have denied all of this from the beginning, I’m going to go ahead and believe the FBI, CIA and NSA. Let’s just say, I’m more convinced of their ability to deal with facts instead of propaganda.

Moving on, I just want to know, if all of these agencies were aware of potentially damaging information about Trump, why did Clinton always get the short end of the stick? Shit, just a week before voting in November, FBI Director James Comey released a note saying they were looking into more emails related to Clinton. Despite the fact they found nothing, this incident was just another slight against Clinton, which raised doubts in the minds of the American people. Keep in mind, outside of the fact that the private email server existed, the FBI never found any evidence of an actual crime. Yet, this storyline ended up playing a major factor in our election. None of this is adding up to me, son.

In the end, I may be looked at as a conspiracy theorist, but when shit stinks, it stinks, man. If a foreign entity has information about two people and only one person suffers for it, it can be deduced that they were trying to benefit the other. Don’t be surprised when Vladimir Putin is freely walking around Manhattan, son. Hell, he might have a suite in Trump Tower as we speak. We’ve got a Russian puppet as a President, man. Oh happy day… on Opposite Day.

P.S. Even though I don’t think the story is true, wouldn’t it be GOLD if Donald Trump loved getting peed on? Side note, see what I did there? I’m killing y’all, man. Get fire on these bitches, son! In any case, the more Trump’s questionable behavior comes to light, the more I’m convinced he’ll be quickly impeached. I would rejoice, but I’m not too fond of a Mike Pence presidency either. That dude is verifiably loco, son. That is all.

Migos Needs To Drop Their Album NOW!

Look, let’s be clear here: Migos‘ “Bad and Boojee” is the best song ever. Donald Glover already told everyone this during the Golden Globes, son. Ok, it may be a stretch to say it’s the best song ever, but dammit, I enjoy EVERYTHING about that joint, man. Shit, I even enjoy Lil Uzi Vert‘s verse and I’m not the biggest fan of his music. With that being said, all I know is, Migos needs to drop their Culture album right this second! Their buzz can’t get any higher, son. It’s go time, bro!

Now, as of yesterday, “Bad and Boujee” is the number-one song on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. That makes it the number-one Pop song in the country. That means a song that references cooking dope in a crockpot is the most played song in America, son. Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but that tidbit makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, man. While Quavo may be the most visible member of Migos, Offset is the star of this song and has all of the memorable catchphrases. Hell, the hook of the song ain’t even really a hook, man. It’s just another Offset verse where he gets to stunt in preposterous ways. Man, what’s not to love about this fucking song, son?

I mean, that’s all, folks. I’m just happy that a song I enjoy so much has topped the charts. While I’m at it, shout-out to Metro Boomin for producing damn near every jam over the last three years and finally getting his first number-one song. For me, his work on 21 Savage‘s Savage Mode makes me want to kick small puppies and throw hamsters like I’m playing shot put. All in all, it’s songs like this that keep me sane in this world, son. Everyone needs to get on the train. Good day.

Let’s Talk About The Blackity-Black Golden Globes

I’m Black, y’all, and I’m Black, y’all, and I’m Blackity-Black and I’m Black, y’all. Man, if anyone watched the Golden Globes last night, they would’ve probably heard those CB4 lyrics cycling in the background. All jokes aside, last night’s awards show was a great time for Black actors and actresses. After a year of exceptional work in both television and film, multiple Black stars were honored for their respective performances. Accolades were doled out for achievements both in front of and behind the camera. With that being said, let’s keep the party going and talk about all of our winners, son. Ohledoit!

Now, if we’re starting with television, we’ve got to give major props to both Donald Glover and Tracee Ellis Ross. First off, let’s talk about the fact that Ross is the first Black woman to win the award for Best Actress – Musical or Comedy since Debbie Allen. To put this into perspective, Allen won that award back in 1983 for Fame. To give even MORE perspective, Allen won that award before I was born and I’m in my early 30’s. Needless to say, it’s been a long fucking time, son. Ross has been killing it on black-ish for a while now. This honor is long overdue, man. Massive congrats to her.

Next, let’s talk about Donald Glover, aka Childish Gambino. This dude had an incredible night, man. Shiiiit, if we’re counting his “Awaken, My Love!” album and his soon-to-be stint as Star WarsLando Calrissian, Glover had an incredible 2016, son. In any case, not only did he win the award for Best Actor – Musical or Comedy, but his show, Atlanta, also won Best Series – Musical or Comedy.

Keeping it a buck, Atlanta and Issa Rae’s Insecure were my two favorite shows of the past year. Both Glover and Rae made shows that were unapologetically Black and dared the mainstream to get onboard. Keep in mind, when I say “unapologetically Black,” I’m not referring to any stereotypical depictions of Black people. Both shows displayed the nuances of our community and depicted the fact that we’re not all a monolith. So, with a show like Atlanta being respected, it shows us all that we don’t have to dilute ourselves for recognition.

Moving on, let’s get to these movies, son. All I know is, all praises are due to Viola Davis and Moonlight. Davis won the award for Best Supporting Actress – Drama, Musical or Comedy for her role in Fences and Moonlight won Best Motion Picture – Drama. Now, even though I believe Davis should’ve been in the Best Actress category, it’s about time Hollywood recognized she’s one of the best in the game. She’s been a deity for quite some time now, man. They’re officially late to the party, son.

Also, to keep it going, Moonlight was the best movie I watched last year. If we’re being real, homosexuality can be a taboo subject in the Black community. However; this film does any amazing job of chronicling a man’s journey through self-realization and self-acceptance. There was nothing cliché about the storyline and it’s impossible to not be emotionally invested in the characters. Side note, I love absolutely EVERYTHING about Janelle Monáe. I’d find a way to marry her if my wife wouldn’t kill me first.

In the end, while we don’t need Hollywood’s acceptance to do great work, it’s still good to see them acknowledge our awesomeness. With or without their help, we need to continue pushing OUR art forward and telling OUR stories. That’s the only real way to shape our own narrative. Once again, congrats to all of last night’s winners, man. Good day.

P.S. I hate to end this post on a critical note, but someone tell the Golden Globes that Hidden Figures and Fences are two different movies. No, White people, we don’t all look alike and we don’t all act in the same movies. That is all.

P.P.S. Shout-out to Glover again for showing love to Migos‘ “Bad and Boujee“. That song is without a doubt the most enjoyable thing on the planet right now. Rain drop… LC out.

The Most Slanderous Moments Of Barack Obama’s Presidency

So, I guess it really is over, huh? Barack Obama’s presidency is really coming to an end, huh? Donald Trump is really about to be unleashed on us, huh? Well, since I’m an expert in laughing to keep from crying, I’ve decided to talk about some of the most slanderous moments of Obama’s presidency. Over the past eight years, he’s experienced all types of shade and downright disrespect. As a matter of fact, one of the most egregious examples came from our own President-elect. With that being said, let’s go through some of the most ridiculous things that have happened to our soon-to-be former President.

First, let’s talk about the time Barack and Michelle Obama gave each other dap and the right-wing called it a “terrorist fist jab.” Like, that actually happened, son. Back in June of 2008, while the then-Senator was running his presidential campaign, there was a Fox News panel discussion about his exchange with Michelle. Like, pundits legit sat around a table and tried to decipher giving dap, man. Seriously, I can’t make this shit up, son. Now, I’ve seen and heard plenty of stupid things in my lifetime, but this might be on the Mount Rushmore, bro. Obama’s detractors really tried ANYTHING to discredit this dude, no matter how ridiculous the tactic was. Such is life, I guess.

Next, there was Donald Trump’s eight-year crusade to prove Obama wasn’t born in America. To this day, I have no idea how the “birther movement” grew legs, man. Apparently, official documentation of his birth isn’t enough for idiots to concede the fact that he was born on U.S. soil. To be honest, I’m upset with Obama for even entertaining this foolishness. When he released his birth certificate, I personally felt like he was giving into the bullshit. Bruh, who cares what an orange-faced, fake-haired internet troll has to say? Just handle presidential business and let Trump continue to swim in his sea of nonsense. Then again, let me not say that, because Trump’s nonsense might get us all killed, son. Let us pray.

Finally, how about the persistent rumor that Obama is Muslim? Now, there’s multiple ways to look at this, son. At this point, I think it’s understood that these rumors were circulated to damage his reputation. As we all know, America has made Islam synonymous with terrorism. So, maybe, if Obama is presented as a Muslim, his haters could get him out of office, right?

Well, there’s a couple of ways to look at this. First off, Islam and Islamic radicalism are two different things. I really don’t understand why people don’t understand that. If we’re keeping it real here, in the Middle East, other Muslims are the biggest victims of Islamic radicalism. The right-wing doesn’t talk about that because it doesn’t fit their narrative. Since 9/11, there have been more terrorist attacks in America by White men than Al Qaeda and ISIS combined. However; naysayers remain mum on that issue. Second, our own First Amendment endorses freedom of religion. This constant disrespect to Islam is an affront to the First Amendment, man. In case people forgot, the American forefathers escaped religious persecution in Europe. It’s funny how that’s all folks want to do here now. It makes absolutely no sense, son. No sense at all.

Ultimately, I could’ve talked about a MOUNTAIN of tomfoolery that occurred during Obama’s presidency. Those three examples were just the first three that popped into my head, man. It goes without saying, Obama had to deal with a ton of fuckery during his eight years in the Oval Office. Wait, now that I think about it, I might super glue him to his White House desk so Trump has nowhere to set up shop. I refuse to except a Twitter fiend as my President, son. That’s all I have to say about that. LC out.

I Wish Dylann Roof The Absolute Worst

So, I, like many others, was always taught growing up to never wish ill on someone. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” so on and so forth. However; some people deserve to have bad shit happen to them. Dylann Roof is one of those people, man. Keeping it a buck, I have nothing positive to say about that piece of shit and I genuinely, GENUINELY hope his time in prison is brutal.

Now, at this point, I shouldn’t have to tell everyone what this subhuman did. Anyone who isn’t aware of the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church massacre that happened in South Carolina must not care about people. In any case, Roof’s trial just wrapped up and he was found guilty on all counts. As of right now, he’s in the sentencing phase.

To be clear, his conviction is not why I’m writing this. Nah, what he said at his death penalty trial made my fucking blood boil, son. Not only did he fail to apologize for killing nine innocent people, but he also made some bullshit speech about why he “had” to do what he did. In his eyes, his deed was some sort of ridiculous retribution for all of the “innocent White children” who have to live in this country and all of the “innocent White people” killed by the “lower race.” He continued by saying he represented himself in court because he didn’t want his lawyers to question his mental stability. Apparently, there’s nothing wrong with this asshole.

*Sigh* I don’t even know where to start, man. Ok, let’s start with the fact that 84% of White people are killed by other White people. That stat comes directly from the FBI, man. So, who are all of these White people being killed by the “lower race?” This fucking devil based his entire rampage on a theory that doesn’t even fucking exist, man. This is no better than Donald Trump and Ann Coulter calling all Latinos “rapists” and the overall Islamophobia being perpetuated in this country. A misguided fear of the “other” is leading people to commit heinous crimes against innocent folks. There are never any facts to bolster a bigot’s argument, yet they feel like it’s their right to harm people who don’t look, act or believe like them. It’s absolutely fucking disgusting, man.

Ultimately, I’m one of the few people who doesn’t believe in the death penalty. Not because I think it’s wrong, but because I think life in prison is worse. I want Dylann Roof to spend the rest of his natural life in general population. I don’t want him to be protected from any of the other inmates. Let’s see how long he lacks remorse when his cellmates lack remorse for him. Let’s see how long he thinks he’s tough when he encounters some really tough people. Death is the easy way out for cowards like him. He needs to continually suffer until he understands the gravity of what he’s done. And even then, he should suffer some more. I’m out.