Don’t Microchip Me, Bro!

Man, what in the “we might really be in The Matrix” type shit is going on, son? Is this what Corporate America is doing now, man? Microchips? Really? Nah, fam, this isn’t something I can get onboard with, bruh. Listen, Big Brother already has us by the balls, folks. We really don’t need to start putting foreign technology in our bodies. All I know is, count me out, people.

Now, for those who are unaware, an organization in Wisconsin is pioneering this microchip wave. So, Three Square Market, a technology company, is giving employees the option of putting a rice-sized chip between their thumb and index finger. Once this is done, with just their hand, employees can complete such tasks as swiping into the building and ordering from the cafeteria. As of now, 50 of the company’s 80 employees have volunteered.

Look, I’ve worked in Corporate America full-time for ten years now, son. All in all, I’ve never had a problem with a simple ID card, man. On the real, I have two issues with this setup, fam. First, the idea of putting a chip in my body just sounds crazy. The ability to get through the main door or order a burrito doesn’t seem like a good enough reason for putting a foreign substance in my body. In addition, while I may be a slight conspiracy theorist, there’s no way I can trust an organization with that type of access, bruh.

Second, speaking as someone who’s been laid off before, there’s no loyalty in Corporate America. So, I’m just going to let a company that can fire me put a chip in my hand? Hell fucking nah, fam! Shit, I know what it’s like to have to give back company property. What, they’re going to just dig in there and take out my chip if I have to leave the premises? No thank you, son. Just give me a keycard and let me go about my day, man.

In the end, keep this Agent Smith shit away from me, bruh. All I want to do is go to work, come home and mind my business. I don’t need remnants of my job in the same hand I use to wipe my ass, fam. That is all. LC out.

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A Letter To Hillary Clinton

Dear Hillary Clinton,

Look, I’m not one to mince words, so I’ll just get straight to the point. I’m going to need you to let the election go now. The fact of the matter is, you lost. Yes, we could all point to a million different factors that led to this outcome. However; as much as it pains me to say this, Donald Trump is the President. At this point, instead of rehashing your defeat, maybe you should focus on helping to prevent him from ending Western Civilization.

Now, to be fair, I did vote for you. To do this, I begrudgingly looked past your “superpredators” comment and your history with the prison industrial complex. Shit, as fucked up as your policies have been, I was/still am legitimately scared of Trump. I mean, based on what we’ve seen so far, World War III may still be on the horizon. In any case, I’ve never enjoyed picking the “lesser of two evils.” Listen, this entire election cycle has proved how antiquated the two-party political system really is.

Moving on, despite the loss, you refuse to accept any responsibility. Ok, I get it, FBI Director James Comey royally screwed you with his fuckery. The timing of his renewed investigation into your emails is suspect at best. However; that doesn’t account for the many errors you made on the campaign trail.

First, you lost Michigan, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania and Florida. These are all states that Barack Obama won twice. Twice! In fact, until you, a Democrat hadn’t lost Pennsylvania since 1988. I was 3 years old when that last occurred. To make matters worse, you didn’t campaign in Wisconsin and you only put some money down in Michigan during the last week of the election. How the fuck did you expect to win those states? In my eyes, your hubris got the best of you. You really thought you could just pull those states out of your ass with minimal effort. Well, clearly you were wrong.

Listen, I’m not ignoring the outside factors that may have contributed to your loss. Was there a gender component? Absolutely. Was there a Comey component? Absolutely. Was there a Julian Assange/WikiLeaks/Russia component? Absolutely. With that being said, take some responsibility for your own mistakes. Otherwise, you’re going to keep looking like a bitter loser. All in all, it is what it is, Mrs. Clinton. It just is what it is.

Sincerely,

A dude who’s stockpiling supplies in preparation for Armageddon