Don’t Let D*ck Pics Ruin Your Life

Look, I won’t lie to anyone who’s reading this. I just wanted to laugh today, son. With tension at an identifiable high in this country, I wanted to take a step back and simply joke about someone else’s misfortunes. With that being said, thank the Good Lord for Anthony Weiner, man. I swear, this dude is the gift that keeps on giving. Just when people think this guy can’t continue to be as stupid as he’s previously been, he ups the ante, son. Ultimately, if there’s any lesson in this man’s story, it’s to ensure that NO ONE ever let’s dick pics ruin their life.

No lie, it seems like Weiner gets caught in some batch of shenanigans every two years. Back in 2011, he got caught sending a dick pic to a 21-year-old college student. At first, he tried to deny purposely sending the pic, but when it was discovered this wasn’t his first time at the rodeo, he finally fessed up to his actions. Now, anybody with a brain would assume Weiner would learn his lesson, but nooooooooooo. Two years later, while running to be the mayor of New York City, Weiner was AGAIN busted for sending pictures of his manhood to a young woman. This time, for whatever reason, he thought he could hide his stupidity behind the name “Carlos Danger.” Is anyone out there reading this, man? This guy really posted filth of himself under the name “Carlos Danger.” If that’s not comedy, then I literally don’t know what funny is, son.

Needless to say, he lost his bid to be my city’s next mayor. Now, with everything that has transpired, there’s no way this clown could be caught doing some foolishness again. Right? Wrong, son! Deeeead fucking wrong! Good ol’ Carlos Danger is back in the news again after a new dick pic surfaced with his toddler son sleeping in bed next to him. Look, I don’t even think I can calculate the amount of ways this dude is ridiculous, man. Not only is he back in the headlines for the same tomfoolery that essentially cost him his political career, but now he’s dragged his child into this. To make matters worse, his wife, Huma Abedin, finally filed for divorce. I guess the third time’s the charm when it comes to being thoroughly humiliated by an idiot husband. I mean, despite her notable history as Hillary Clinton’s deputy chief of staff, she’s continually had to deal with her husband’s extremely public philandering.

Now, I’m about to present an idea that everyone might not agree with. From how it appears, Weiner has never actually had sex with any of the women he’s shared pixels with. My thing is, if I’m going to ruin my career AND my marriage, I’m damn sure getting some vajayjay out of this situation, bruh. There’s NO way I’m going to look someone in the face and say I bulldozed my entire life because I was able to get good lighting on my dick. How preposterous is that, man? This dude has nothing left and he didn’t even smash anything. Who consistently gets in trouble for cheating without even sealing the deal? The megapixels on my Apple iPhone ain’t worth destroying everything I’ve ever worked for, son.

All in all, there’s no way to feel sorry for this guy. He had every opportunity to not be a scumbag and he couldn’t keep it together. All I know is, it won’t be a good conversation with his son when he’s old enough to ask why he’s no longer married to his mother. Good luck, bro. Good luck.