Whose Mans Is This: The Attempted Robbery Of Polyana Viana

Good morning, friends and acquaintances. My name is LC and I’d like to talk to everyone about bad decisions. Now, as seen in the photo above, the man on the left is VERY familiar with bad decisions, son. Look, while attempting to rob the woman on the right, he got the holy shit beat out of him, man. All I know is, when people search for “poetic justice” on Google, his picture should show up, fam. In any case, let’s all take the time to mercilessly laugh at this dude, bruh.

Ok, for those who missed it, an attempted mugging went down in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil on Saturday night. Now, an unnamed assailant with a cardboard gun tried to steal a woman’s phone. Little did he know the woman was Polyana Viana, a UFC Strawweight fighter. Anyway, once she realized what was going on, she quickly sprang into action, son. According to the story, after his botched robbery, she punched him twice, hit him with a kick and then put him in a rear-naked choke. From there, he was incapacitated until the cops came. To make matters even funnier, he was asking for the police after getting his ass beat.

On the real, this story is super hilarious to me, man. I mean, he literally couldn’t have picked a worse target, fam. Shit, of all of the people he could’ve attacked, he chose the damn assassin, bruh. For God’s sake, that’s fucking BEAUTIFUL, son. Also, in my eyes, this situation is the perfect example of why all women should train in the martial arts, man. Like, they could pick boxing, they could pick jiu-jitsu or just MMA in general. All in all, knowing a lil sum sum could potentially save a life, brethren. So, everybody needs to chop chop and get to it, folks.

In the end, vengeance is mine, said the Lord. Except for when a clown tries to rob someone and gets righteously mollywopped. Ultimately, this guy got EXACTLY what he deserved, son. By and by, long live Polyana Viana, man! She’s the real MVP, fam. Hey, Dana White, gives this woman a raise, bruh. That is all. LC out.

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What The F*ck Was Ryan Lochte Doing?!

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Let’s just skip the pleasantries here and get right to proceedings, son: Ryan LochteJimmy FeigenJack Conger and Gunnar Bentz are absolute imbeciles. Honestly, bro, what part of the game is lying about a robbery? On the real, why would these clowns even think that was acceptable behavior, man? While this post won’t be that long today, I can’t let this moment pass by without taking all of these mark ass tricks to task.

This past Sunday, Lochte and the other American swimmers claimed they were robbed at gunpoint. According to Lochte’s original story, their taxi cab was pulled over by gun-toting thieves and one of the perpetrators pointed a gun at Lochte’s forehead. Now, here’s where things start to unravel. At first, there were four perps and then it whittled down to one. Then, the gun went from being pointed at Lochte’s forehead to being aimed at his general direction. With this original account already sounding fishy, a surveillance video came out which put this entire ordeal in its proper perspective. These cowards weren’t robbed at all. In actuality, these drunk ass fools desecrated a bathroom, pissed on the walls and then got into an altercation with the security guards who approached them.

After rehashing that entire saga, I have so many questions, man. First, did they not realize there were cameras filming their fuckery? I mean, I know they were drunk, but come on, man. Seriously, most of the gas stations I know have some type of recording equipment to document this exact type of tomfoolery. Next, why didn’t these trick ass marks get their stories straight before they started lying to everyone? If the goal was to pull the wool over the people’s eyes, at least have the decency to be consistent with one another. Lastly, why would they accuse these innocent Brazilian people of such an act? The fucked up part is, I’m positive they knew everyone would readily believe their tale, especially due to false assumptions about countries like Brazil. Sadly, they were right because everyone sipped the Kool-Aid at first. Sure, why not just blame this vicious act on the native Brown people in order to hide juvenile behavior? I’m sure that sounded like a fantastic idea to them.

At this point, there’s nothing else to say, son. These dudes are losers, and frankly, they should have their medals taken away from them. While social media trolls rather aim their crosshairs at Gabby Douglas, their preferred athletes are really out here disgracing our country. In the end, I shouldn’t be surprised, though. Lochte must be used to losing at this point. Just go ask Michael Phelps. Good day.

A Letter To Gabby Douglas


Dear Gabby Douglas,

While you may not know me, I wanted to take this time to write to you directly. During this crucial time in your life, I’m positive you have loved ones who are reassuring you that everything will be alright. With that being said, my words may not matter much at all. In any case, I still feel compelled to reach out to you. Despite all of the mean-spirited attacks being levied your way, I simply want to deliver one message to you: fuck the haters.

As sad as it is, we live in a society where people love being outraged and love tearing others down. Losers feed off of the emotions of the individuals around them, as if causing another human being pain adds value to their lives. This concept is one of the main problems with social media. Cowards who wouldn’t have the balls to utter such ugliness to their intended target in person just hide behind their computer screens and smartphones. They’d much rather feel powerful in the comments section of a website while wondering why they have no friends.

For me, the worst part about this entire situation is the fact you’ve been getting knocked down by people who look like you, in addition to all of the others. It’s absolutely disgusting that Black people can see you compete on the highest level of your sport and only think to comment on your hair. The self-hate is so visible when some misguided fools can criticize the way your hair grows NATURALLY out of your head. Do they believe their hair behaves any differently? Malcolm X asked the following question decades ago: who taught you to hate yourself? That’s a question your Black detractors need to ask themselves at this particular moment.

It’s also incredibly disheartening to see so many White people question your patriotism. Whether they’re attacking you for not putting your hand on your heart during the national anthem or not “cheering” for your teammates enough, the lack of empathy is ridiculous. Have they never been disappointed before? I know the results of a couple of Olympic events didn’t go the way you planned them, so I completely understand being upset by the outcome. When you want something so bad and don’t achieve it, the pain is very real and hard to hide. Do NOT feel bad for being human. You have every right to be emotional during these times, naysayers be damned. I wonder how any of your critics would feel if they were in a similar position. Would they feel chipper if they saw the intended finish line and didn’t cross it in the way they envisioned? It’s incredibly easy to be critical of someone else when that individual has nothing at stake.

In the end, all I can say is, you’ve represented this country to the best of your ability. If anyone out there can’t accept that, they didn’t deserve to have you on their side in the first place. Also, while you may be too proper to say things as plainly as you should, I do not have that problem. Soooooo, fuck any and everybody who has something malicious to say about you. I guarantee they haven’t done shit with their lives anyway. In any case, keep your head up and keep pushing, Gabby.

Sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood LC