‘TWD’ Review: Don’t Be A Good Samaritan

Disclaimer: Spooooooooilers! Got it?

So, in regards to last night’s The Walking Dead season premiere, there are a ton of topics I could touch on, son. However; as of right now, there’s only one storyline that’s on my mind, man. I mean, in an apocalyptic world of zombies and shitty people, Gregory might be the shittiest, fam. Look, he’s been a bitch-ass bitch ever since he’s appeared on screen, but he took it to another level last night. All in all, Father Gabriel learned the hard way that being a Good Samaritan is for the birds, bruh.

Ok, for those who are familiar, its World War 3 in TWD land. Rick Grimes finally grew his balls back and decided to take the fight to Negan and The Saviors. In any case, with the help of his Alexandria kinfolk, Rick invaded The Sanctuary and unleashed a storm of bullets, fire and random walkers. Now, before all of the excitement got underway, Gregory, the herb-ass leader of the Hilltop Colony, betrayed Rick and company by pledging his allegiance to Negan. Anyway, the way I see it, that’s more than enough reason for him to catch a slug, son. However; Father Gabriel seemed to feel differently, man.

Now, in the midst of the chaos, Father Gabriel decided to go and save Gregory. Meaning, he left the sanctity of his metal-fortified car and tried to grab the hoe-ass Hilltop leader. So, what did Gabriel get for his troubles? An infestation of walkers and a stolen car, courtesy of Gregory. Yeah, this fuckity-fucktard really left Gabriel stranded in the middle of the nonsense. Shit, I knew saving Gregory was a bad idea from the jump, but I never expected things to go so left, fam.

Moving on, just when I thought Gabriel was done for, we see him find shelter from the walkers. However; there’s one glaring issue: he’s now trapped in the same building as Negan. Man, I don’t know what’s worse, bruh: the walkers or Negan. Shit, I think I’d rather die at the hands and mouths of the walkers, son. Listen, Negan is BATSHIT CRAZY, man!

In the end, the world of TWD ain’t the Bible, fam. That Good Samaritan shit ain’t good for anybody, bruh. Ultimately, being a standup dude has now placed Father Gabriel in a pool of shit, folks. By and by, something TURRIBLE needs to happen to Gregory, son! Real talk, somebody better torture his ass before they kill him, man. Yeah, shit just got that real, people. That is all. LC out.

Advertisements

Negan Is The Most Savage Of The Savages

Disclaimer: This post is nothing but spoilers, son. Literally all of the spoilers, man. If anyone doesn’t want me to ruin their experience, run for the hills immediately. Now, let’s get it.

Ok, to be real, there are a few people upset with me right now. Last night, I hit my Instagram and Facebook timelines with a vengeance and let loose a bunch of bombs about The Walking Dead. Now, while I completely understand why some would like to hit me with Lucille, Negan’s bat, allow me to defend myself for a second. I mean, Negan OD’d, man! He fucking OD’d in last night’s episode! My apologies for getting caught up in the moment, but shit, I was blown away by the level of Negan’s savagery. With that being said, after only an episode and change, I’m a firm believer that Negan is on the Mount Rushmore of television goons.

At this point, I’m sure everyone who watches the show knows how last season ended. Rick Grimes and company were surrounded by the Saviors, placed on their knees and forced to watch Negan beat the tomato sauce out of someone. Naturally, we all assumed only one member of the Alexandria crew was going to get the casket treatment. But nooooooo, Negan had to take it a step further and knock off TWO compadres from the squad!

To begin, Abraham Ford was first up to bat after being chosen due to a fucked up game of “eeny, meeny, miny, moe.” Side note, “first up to bat?” I make myself laugh, son. In any case, after Abraham was beaten to oblivion, good ol’ Daryl Dixon had enough and threw a punch at Negan. As retribution, Negan turned around and slapped the snot out of Glenn Rhee with his trusted bat. Now, that’s two deaths for the price of one, man. To make matters worse, Negan didn’t just clock Abraham and Glenn a couple of times. He definitely kept fucking hitting them until their skulls dissipated. It was complete and utter overkill, bro.

Now, just when we all thought Negan was done, he decided to kidnap Rick, drive to a foggy field and make Rick find his axe is a sea of walkers. Taking it even further, he then brought Rick back to the group, had his men put guns to everyone’s heads and told Rick he’d kill them all if he didn’t cut Carl Grimes‘ arm off. Who thinks of this shit, man?! Who thinks of trying to make a dude cut off the arm of his own son? Hell nah, man! This episode was an hour of pure fucking terror, bro! I was literally standing up in my house for most of it, son. On the real, the last time I couldn’t sit during a television show was the “Ozymandias” episode of Breaking Bad. Side note, shout-out to Breaking Bad, another AMC program and the greatest show of the all-time. Fight me. In any case, Negan did all of this just to break Rick’s spirit. While I’m a firm believer that Rick will eventually figure out a way to get even, as of right now, it’s not looking good for the boy, son. At the moment, he’s essentially Negan’s bitch.

All in all, last night’s episode was BY FAR the wildest in TWD’s history. Yeah, we’ve seen countless murders, cannibalism and near rape on this program, but in terms of pure emotional abuse, this takes the cake, man. Not to mention, Abraham’s and Glenn’s brain matter are all over the gravel, son. Ultimately, while the show can appear to be redundant at times, this season opener certainly woke me up, bro. The rest of this season is about to go down! Can’t wait! Good day.