Donald Trump Didn’t Grab ‘Em By The P*ssy?

So, I’m going to be real, son. I’m not sure if Donald Trump really lives in an alternate universe or if he actually thinks we’re all that stupid, man. Like, at this point, denying the validity of his “grab ’em by the pussy” comments is ludicrous, fam. I mean, the man already apologized for his words back in 2016! Why would someone apologize for something they didn’t do? The answer is, they wouldn’t. All in all, regardless of Trump’s newfound skepticism, we’ve all heard him advocate for sexual assault on that Access Hollywood tape.

Ok, on the real, there’s isn’t much to say on this topic, bruh. As of now, I’m sure the majority of us have listened to his despicable comments on that recording. We already know about him telling Billy Bush that he can basically do anything he wants to women because he’s famous. Real talk, these are FACTS, son. Now, I know Trump and his hive don’t believe in facts, but there is audible evidence of this man’s fuckery. With that being said, it’s fucking BAFFLING that he would try to deny this now. ESPECIALLY after already apologizing for it. I mean, he does know that we have video of his repentance too, right? Good Lord, what planet is this man on, fam?! Seriously!

In the end, nothing else needs to be said here. Trump is an advocate for sexual assault and he supports people who are advocates for sexual assault. Ultimately, there’s no other way to explain his unwavering loyalty to Roy Moore, bruh. By and by, birds of a feather flock together, son. The sad part is, even after previously copping to his tomfoolery, I guarantee a large percentage of his supporters will believe his new story. Once again, this is why I call them stupid and feel nothing about, man. It just is what it is, fam. LC out.

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Kevin Spacey Came Out In The Worst Way Possible

So, I really want to know what kind of world we live in, son. Like, when did coming out as gay make up for pedophilia, man? On the real, that’s the shit that Kevin Spacey just tried to pull, fam. To make matters worse, the media paid more attention to Spacey’s announcement than Anthony Rapp’s original story, bruh. All in all, let’s not confuse one thing for another, folks. When in comes to Rapp, Spacey was nothing more than a predator, people.

Ok, for those who missed it, Anthony Rapp recently alleged some wild shit about Kevin Spacey. Now, during an interview with BuzzFeed News, Rapp talked about an awful encounter with Spacey. Apparently, during their Broadway days, Spacey invited Rapp to his apartment for a party. From there, he put Rapp on a bed, got on top of him and tried to make a move. Keep in mind, Rapp was only 14 years old at the time. Even worse, Spacey was a full grown 26 years old, son. Needless to say, that’s some prime Law & Order: SVU shit, man.

Now, with his name being dragged through the mud, what does Spacey do? Blame his actions on alcohol and proclaim that he’s living his life as a gay man. Bruh… Bruh! That’s now what we’re talking about here, fam! Shit, being gay ain’t got a DAMN thing to do with pushing up on children, bruh! Hell, I love women, but I know good and well that young girls are off limits, son. As a matter of fact, the last time I hit on a 14-year-old, I was 14, man. Well, maybe 15 at the most. Yeah, that’s how this shit works, people.

Moving on, the media made this situation even worse, fam. Look, instead of speaking about Spacey’s predatorial behavior, they talked about him “coming out.” Son, how badly can people miss the damn point, man?! And now, more people are making claims against the actor. Frankly, I can’t even keep up with all of the fuckery, bruh. With that being said, folks can look up his treachery for themselves, son.

In the end, I can’t even blame Netflix for killing House of Cards, man. Ultimately, they can’t have their star actor making terrible excuses for sexual assault, fam. By and by, the amount of abuse that appears to be going on in Hollywood is staggering, bruh. It seems like all these people do is stand in front of a camera and then try to rape someone. *Sigh* My head hurts, folks. I can’t do this anymore. LC out.

Let It Go, Aunt Viv

Look, I’ll just get straight to the point, son. Janet Hubert aka Vivian Banks aka Aunt Viv needs to let it go, man. Whatever beef she has/had with Will Smith and the cast of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air needs to die, bruh. I mean, the show has been off of the air since 1996. In addition, she left the show in 1993. That’s like an eternity, man. Put it this way: if a child was born the same year this show ended, then they’d be able to legally drink now. Good fucking Lord, that’s a long time, son! With that being said, please, Hubert, give all of this petty shit a rest, ma’am. It’s over. It’s all over.

Now, for those who missed it, the cast of The Fresh Prince recently reunited for a charity event. So, in addition to Smith, Alfonso Ribiero, Tatyana Ali, Karyn Parsons, Joseph Marcell and Daphne Maxwell Reid all got together to support Parsons’ charity. Needless to say, they all took some pictures together and everyone was happy. Well, everyone expect Hubert. In actuality, after getting wind of the reunion, she went on a tirade, calling Ribiero a “media hoe” and an “ass wipe for Will,” amongst other things.

To be clear, this isn’t the first time she’s aimed her barrels at her former cast members. On the real, she has a long, long, looooong history of going at their necks, especially Smith. Ever since she was replaced by Reid as Aunt Viv, there’s been conflicting stories about what really happened between Hubert and Smith. In any case, neither one of them fuck with each other, son. So, it makes perfect sense that Hubert wasn’t invited to the getdown. Keeping it a buck, there’s been bad blood all around for like 25 years, man. All I know is, the shit needs to die, bruh. None of that shit even remotely matters anymore. It just is what it is, son. All we need to do is let these reruns cook, B.

In the end, regardless of the fuckity-fuck shit, The Fresh Prince is still the jam. All in all, Hubert can take some solace in knowing that she was the best Aunt Viv. Her legacy is solidified, man. Now, she just needs to stop being so damn petty. LC out.

What In God’s Name Are ‘Alternative Facts’?

So, I would like to welcome everybody back to the Twilight Zone. This is a place where the newly sworn-in President of the United States makes his Press Secretary argue with the media about inauguration attendance. This is also a place where the President’s Senior Adviser gets on NATIONAL TELEVISION and speaks about “alternative facts.” Son, what fucking planet are we living on right now? Outside of the fact that Donald Trump’s administration is already spreading egregious falsehoods, we’re also witnessing something extremely dangerous. Trump is essentially trying to set up an America where no one can question his moves. Shit, our country is already starting to look like Communist Russia, man. Everyone needs to get ready.

First off, let’s start with Sean Spicer, son. Out of all of the things the new Press Secretary could’ve talked about in his first press conference, he decided to speak on inauguration numbers. Once the Trump administration got wind of the fact that the media was ACCURATELY reporting how many people showed up to the event, Trump’s goons went on the offensive. It’s now widely known that the crowd size for Trump’s inauguration paled in comparison to both of Barack Obama’s inaugurations. However; in the grand scheme of things, none of this actually matters, son. Trump is still the President, regardless of how many people came to Washington, D.C. to celebrate. With that being said, Trump STILL sent Spicer to the podium to argue about how many people came to the party. Spicer even said that Trump had “the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.” I mean, as we can clearly tell, facts don’t matter, son (word to Desus Nice). C’mon son, who’s got time for evidence and proof in the first place, right?

Next, let’s talk about Kellyanne Conway. In the wake of Spicer’s meltdown, the new Senior Adviser decided to plead her team’s case on Meet the Press with Chuck Todd. Now, when Todd confronted Conway about the tomfoolery of Spicer’s press conference, she gave one of the most confusing rebuttals I’ve ever heard in my entire life. While speaking about Spicer’s BLATANTLY inaccurate statements, Conway said that he was just presenting “alternative facts.” Alternative facts? What? What?! WHAT?!? Good fucking Lord, son! Is that what we’re doing now? Instead of just saying that someone lied, we’re saying that they’ve provided alternative facts? Shit, can that defense be used in court? If my wife caught me cheating, could I tell her that I was just helping the other woman verify if her birth control worked? I mean, those are alternative facts, right? What the fuck are we talking about here? How is this acceptable, man? We really have to deal with these exorbitant lies for the next four years? Who will survive in America, son?

Look, all jokes aside, we’re in a bad place right now. Trump’s administration is already setting the stage to eliminate all dissenting voices. They’re trying to regulate everyone’s narrative and attack anyone who dares to say something different. Even when individuals have FACTS on their side, Trump is using officials as a weapon to intimidate anyone who opposes him. I know there’s been a lot of talk about Trump’s relationship with Vladimir Putin, but controlling the media is ACTUALLY something that Putin does. Our country is already being turned into Mother Russia, son. At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if Trump somehow made it illegal to say anything against him. These are truly scary times, man. Scary times indeed.

In the end, I don’t know, son. I still can’t believe this is our reality, man. I’d like to thank the Swing States for destroying America. When World War III occurs and those folks are laying in a sea of rubble, I hope they know they probably won’t have any healthcare to help them out. Dumbasses. I’m gone.

Dave Chappelle + A Tribe Called Quest = Classic!

So, I know what some people may be thinking, son. Just a few posts ago, I was hard on Dave Chappelle. He said some fuckity-fuck shit during a standup routine and I had to call him out on it, man. Nobody is safe from being ridiculed, bro. That’s what I call “checks and balances.” With that being said, in that particular post, I also mentioned how huge of a fan I was, and still am, of Chappelle. So, I was more than thrilled to watch his performance on the most recent episode of Saturday Night Live. When we add two impassioned performances from A Tribe Called Quest, it’s safe to say we all witnessed a night for the books, man.

Now, we all know there was no way Donald Trump could become president and Dave would stay mum on the issue. This topic, along with the political landscape at large, was discussed in his opening monologue and the “Election Night” sketch. In these scenarios, he, with some help from Chris Rock, expressed not being surprised by Trump’s election. Furthermore, he implored the president-elect to give the disenfranchised people of this country a fair shot to prosper. Shit, at this point, that’s all any of us want, son. In addition, Chappelle spoofed the Negan beat down from this season of The Walking Dead. However; instead of the show’s actual cast of characters, Tyrone Biggums, Clayton Bigsby, Silky, Chuck Taylor and “Lil Jon” served as the would-be victims. Do I even need to explain how huge, and hilarious, this is, man?! No, I didn’t think so!

Moving on, when it comes to ATCQ, the legendary Rap group used both performances to pay tribute to their fallen co-founder, Phife Dawg. Not to be left behind, Busta Rhymes and Consequence joined in on the festivities, reminding everyone of why the Native Tongues representatives are icons in the first damn place. Side note, everyone needs to go listen to their newest, and final, album, We Got It from Here… Thank You 4 Your Service. The group was able to make a swan song that’s unmistakably them, but without sounding dated. Thank you, Newborn Baby Jesus!

In the end, it’s a celebration, bitches! Now, instead of me simply paraphrasing the greatness of this SNL episode, I’ll just let the clips speak for themselves. Enjoy yourselves! Nothing else needs to be said, son. Good day.

Et Tu, Dave Chappelle?

Look, I’m a Dave Chappelle fanatic, son. Like, an absolute Stan, man. In my opinion, he’s the greatest comedian of all time and created the greatest sketch show ever. Now, with all of that being said, all of my hero worship doesn’t mean he can’t get this work too, son. After hearing his thoughts on Hillary ClintonDonald Trump, women’s rights and the LGBTQ community, I’m forced to take the Gawd to task for the fuckity-fuck shit he said. *Sigh* With great pain in my heart, let’s do this, man.

So, over the weekend, Chappelle did a number of surprise shows at The Cutting Room here in New York. Now, while he’s been known to incorporate social and political musings in his material, I don’t think his Friday audience was prepared for his latest batch of hot takes.

To begin, let’s talk about Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” scandal. Apparently, to Chappelle, while Trump’s words were “gross,” he thought the idea of Clinton’s camp possibly leaking the Access Hollywood tape was more egregious. In addition, he didn’t agree that Trump promoted sexual assault in his rhetoric. According to Chappelle’s logic, the phrase “they let you do it” implies consent. I guess we’re just ignoring the fact that Trump literally said he’ll flat out kiss AND grab women if he finds them attractive. Nowhere in his comments did he EVER state his advances were warranted. Shit, Chappelle must have been famous for too long because even he can’t seem to wrap his mind around the fact that physical actions can’t just be taken. If the woman didn’t co-sign beforehand, it’s a no-go, son. Plain and fucking simple, man. Also, even if Clinton did release the tape, who gives a fuck, man? Out of every group Trump has offended this election cycle, it would be poetic justice if he fell on the sword of his own words.

Now, while Chappelle’s political philosophies may have been bad enough, he decided to turn his attention to women and the LGTBQ community. It appears Dave has a problem with activists discussing the issues of these particular groups in front of Black people. In terms of disenfranchisement, racism is apparently top tier and everyone else’s struggle is secondary. Good fucking Lord, Dave! Look, man, I’m one of the main people speaking about racial injustice around here, but that shouldn’t come at the expense of someone else’s fight, son. What the fuck, Dave?! Black people have a raw fucking deal in this country, but so do American Indians, women, gay people, transgender people, etc. Shit, if we’re really being real here, this country favors straight White men. Everyone else is working to gain some type of equal footing. It’s a fucking shame that Chappelle is acting like he isn’t aware of this.

In the end, maybe Chappelle has been in Yellow Springs, Ohio for too long now. He’s becoming a cantankerous older gentleman and it’s a damn shame to watch, man. Now, maybe, hopefully, I’m blowing this entire thing out of proportion. All I know is, we can’t be out here losing more of our heroes, son. Get your shit together, Dave! Good day.