A Bald Man’s Letter To LeBron James

Dear LeBron James,

On the real, I’m not here to speak with you about your game. I mean, it’s generally understood that you’re one of the greatest basketball players of all time. Shit, depending on who you ask, you’ve already passed Michael Jordan as the GOAT. In any case, I’m not here to talk about your Los Angeles Lakers or the rest of the NBA. Frankly, I’m here, as a brother, to advise you about your hair. All I can say is, it’s time to fucking let it go, son.

Now, let’s keep it a buck, man. Seriously, we all saw what happened against the Utah Jazz, fam. Hell, Anthony Davis tried to warn you about what was going on, bruh. Needless to say, your lace front fell out, son. In the middle of a game, brethren. On national television. Like, do I even need to explain how embarrassing that is, kinfolk?

Look, for years (and years and fucking years), you’ve tried to avoid baldness like the plague. At the beginning of every season, it looks like you’ve found the cure for male pattern baldness. Then, like 20 games into the season, your real hairline resurfaces. From there, you look like Bobo the Clown for trying to convince us that this was your actual hair. All I know is, enough is fucking enough, son.

Listen, before you think that I’m judging you, allow me to be transparent about myself. Now, despite being bald, I can still technically grow hair on my head. In actuality, I began shaving it off because my front hairline started to go from a straight line to a McDonald’s arch. Anyway, the way my pride is setup, I couldn’t continue to front (and argue with my Jamaican barber) like my shit was still pristine, man. So, I told him to buzz it all off. That was February of 2009. The truth is, I’ve been blissfully happy ever since, fam.

All in all, you don’t have to go through this, bruh. The last time I checked, Jordan was/is your favorite player, son. Real talk, he made baldness cool, man. The way I see it, you don’t have to dealt with this anguish, fam. Just let the hair follicles go and let your scalp be free, brethren. From my viewpoint, your scalp wants to be free anyway.

In the end, come join the team, son. Ultimately, it’s enjoyable on this side, man. By and by, I haven’t worn a durag in a decade, fam. Furthermore, I can go to sleep/wake up without brushing my hair, bruh. At the end of the day, I’m offering you liberation, LeBron. Please, embrace what nature is already trying to show you. It’s the only way, brethren.

Sincerely,

A fan who doesn’t want to see you suffer anymore

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I Don’t Understand Kevin Durant

So, before I even begin, let me make something clear: I honestly believe that Kevin Durant is the second best basketball player in the world. I mean, I still have LeBron James in the number-one spot, but keeping it a buck, Durant be giving James work, son. In any case, ever since Durant left the Oklahoma City Thunder, his views on the situation confuse me, man. All in all, OKC has every right to fucking hate him, fam.

Ok, for those who missed it, Durant gave an in-depth interview to The Wall Street Journal. Now, during the course of the conversation, he spoke about a lot of different topics. He spoke about shit like his rehab process, his issues with the Golden State Warriors‘ motion offense and the general nonsensicalness of the NBA. But, it’s his take on OKC that left me thoroughly perplexed, bruh.

Look, I’ve said it multiple times on this blog. Real talk, I don’t blame him for leaving the Thunder, son. Frankly, the dynamic between him and Russell Westbrook was doomed, man. Like, their respective games didn’t match each other and it impeded the team from winning, fam. Anyway, that still doesn’t excuse him from going to a conference rival, bruh.

Now, for those who don’t remember, the Thunder were one game away from the Finals in 2016. They had a 3-1 lead over the 73-9 Warriors and fucking blew it, son. Listen, people love to blame Westbrook for the lose, but Durant also played like hot dog shit, man. On top of that, it took a God-level performance from Klay Thompson in Game 6 to salvage that series for the Warriors. All I know is, that incarnation of the Thunder could’ve done some serious damage, fam.

Instead, Durant decided to skate out of town and join the very team that dashed his championship hopes. In addition, the Thunder haven’t won a playoff series since. The point is, WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY TREAT HIM KINDLY?! For God’s sake, he ruined the franchise’s trajectory and he’s surprised that the fans don’t fuck with him? All I can say is, that’s the most delusional shit in the world, bruh. The fans have every right to be furious with him, son.

In the end, Durant just needs to learn to let this shit go, man. Ultimately, OKC will probably never fuck with him again. By and by, I can understand him having a beef with the actual Thunder organization. However, the fans were devastated by his departure and had every right to be. At the end of the day, Durant needs to get out of his feelings, stop arguing with people on Twitter and be satisfied with his accomplishments. That is all. LC out.

My Conflicted Thoughts On DeMarcus Cousins

So, DeMarcus Cousins has had a tough couple of years, huh? I mean, where do I even begin, son? In 2018, while playing for the New Orleans Pelicans, Cousins tore his left Achilles tendon. Then, in April of this year, while playing for the Golden State Warriors, he tore his left quadriceps. Fast forward to August, his tore his ACL as a new member of the Los Angeles Lakers. All in all, his stock as an NBA player has taken a MAJOR hit due to his injuries. Now, on top of all of that, he’s wanted by police in Mobile, Alabama.

Ok, for those who missed it, an arrest warrant for Cousins has been issued in relation to a misdemeanor domestic violence charge. Now, as outlined in the leaked audio from TMZ, Cousins threatened to shoot Cristy West, his son Amir‘s mother, in the head. Honestly, I highly doubt that was a real threat, but that’s not the point, man. The fact is, no man is allowed to talk to anyone like that, especially not the mother of his child. In addition, West has alleged that Cousins has choked her in the past. All I know is, if her stories of abuse are real, then Cousins is a piece of shit, fam.

With all of that being said, here’s my beef with West, bruh. Now, after listening to the recording, the source of the tension was Amir’s presence, or lack thereof, at Cousins’ wedding. Apparently, before his marriage to Morgan Lang, Cousins asked West to let Amir attend the ceremony. She refused. He asked a few more times and she still refused. From there, Cousins lost his cotdamn mind and threatened to shoot her. All I can say is, it’s a terrible situation all around.

Now, am I excusing Cousins’ reaction? Fuck no, son. Frankly, he was deadass wrong for coming at her like that. But, why would she refuse his request, man? Like, if he truly wanted his son at his wedding, why was that a problem? In my eyes, it’s petty to keep Amir away on a day that meant a lot to Cousins. To me, that part of the story gets lost in the general narrative, fam.

Listen, dudes are often painted as deadbeats when it comes to parenting and the court system. A lot of times, it’s an accurate assertion, bruh. However, not enough emphasis is placed on women who don’t let men see their children. The truth is, that happens waaaay more than people like to admit. I know multiple stories of children who are used as pawns in a battle between parents. Real talk, everyone needs to grow the fuck up and realize that the kids come first, brethren.

Look, when I was in the doghouse years ago, my wife could’ve easily kept my son away from me. However, she didn’t, man. Shit, she would ignore me for everything else, but gladly call to say “come get your son.” Granted, it didn’t feel good being up shit’s creek, but my child was never taken from me, fam. Side note, during one of those past exchanges, she literally opened her apartment door wide enough to push the stroller out and then shut it right back. She haaaaated me, people. It’s hilarious now but was super awkward back then. Anyway, people need to put their pride aside and let parents parent. Well, unless that parent is an actual danger to the child’s well-being.

In the end, I see both sides to this story, bruh. Ultimately, Cousins fucked up by saying that foul shit to West. However, I also think West fucked up by denying their son access to Cousins’ wedding. By and by, this is a messy ass situation, son. At the end of the day, speaking as a dude from a broken house, keep the courts out of parenting, man. Hell, the ending rarely works out for anyone, fam. That is all. LC out.

Comparing Kawhi Leonard To Kevin Durant

So, here we are, son. It’s 9:39 AM EST on July 3rd and it looks like Kawhi Leonard may go to the Los Angeles Lakers. Now, as a New York Knicks fan, I hate everything about this possibility, man. However, as a basketball fan, I’m interested to see how he’d gel with LeBron James and Anthony Davis. In any case, in light of this potential move, I see people trying to compare Leonard to Kevin Durant. All I know is, if Leonard went to the Lakers, it still wouldn’t be anything like Durant’s move to the Golden State Warriors.

Look, when people talk about Durant, they keep confusing the argument, fam. For me, I never judged the fact that he wanted to leave the Oklahoma City Thunder. I mean, given Russell Westbrook‘s playing style, Durant HAD to be frustrated, bruh. Anyway, I never hated on Durant for leaving. In actuality, I criticized him for joining the fucking Warriors, son. Need I remind everyone, the 73-9 Warriors defeated the Durant-led Thunder in the 2016 Western Conference Finals. So, Durant literally joined the team that beat him, man. I’m sorry, but I will always look at that as a sucker move, brethren.

Now, let’s take a look at Leonard. Real talk, homie just had one of the best individual runs in NBA playoff history AND won a title with a team that previously never made it to the Finals. Shit, he legitimately got a ring with Pascal SiakamMarc GasolSerge Ibaka and Fred VanVleet. Listen, all of these guys are good players, but the Toronto Raptors weren’t the squad that everyone picked to win it all. As a matter of fact, most analysts thought the Milwaukee Bucks were the team to beat, son. Needless to say, that shit ain’t happen, man.

The point is, if Leonard joined the Lakers, it wouldn’t be because he couldn’t get it done without a superteam. In addition, the Lakers weren’t some behemoth last year. Hell, they didn’t even make the playoffs, man. All I can say is, that’s a far cry from Durant joining a team that won the most regular season games in history. On the real, I may be a salty Knicks fan, but at least I have the ability to be objective, fam. All in all, coming off of a ring, Leonard can call his own shot, bruh.

In the end, none of this shit changes anything for me, son. Ultimately, the Knicks still suck and I’m seriously contemplating setting the Barclays Center on fire. By and by, this next season is going to be intriguing (and painful) as fuck, man. At the end of the day, if Leonard goes to the Lakers, they BETTER win the title, fam. Like, a team with James, Leonard and Davis would have no fucking excuse, bruh. Frankly, I could be their starting point guard and they’d still probably win. That’s how great those guys are, folks. That is all. LC out.

A Knicks Fan In Physical Pain

So, I won’t lie, son. On the real, I’m fucking devastated right now, son. I mean, being a New York Knicks fan is the most painful shit on Earth, man. Like, year after year after year, we get our hopes up, only to have our proverbial testicles stomped on, fam. With that being said, the start to this year’s free agency is especially egregious, bruh. That fact is, NO top players want to play for our shitty franchise, folks.

Ok, for those who missed it, the Knicks are still the laughingstock of the NBA. Furthermore, we’re getting pissed on by our crosstown rivals. Now, let’s start with the obvious, son. So, both Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving have agreed to play for the Brooklyn Nets. Meaning, despite yearlong reports of them coming to the Knicks, both players said “fuck you” to James Dolan and agreed to go play in the Barclays Center. All in all, our plans for bigtime acquisitions have already gone to shit, man.

Look, to explain how bad this is, allow me to layout the trail of fuckery that has led to this point. First, we traded Kristaps Porziņģis, our franchise player. Essentially, we did this to free up enough cap space to sign two max players (i.e. Durant and Irving). Next, we didn’t get the first pick in the NBA Draft, meaning we missed out on the opportunity to get Zion Williamson. So, we traded our best player, didn’t get the number-one pick AND didn’t get any of the most notable free agents. *Sigh* Why do the basketball gods hate us so fucking much, fam?! For God‘s sake, do they really expect me to be happy with Julius RandleTaj Gibson and Bobby Portis?! Shit, I know they’re good players, but they’re not good enough for all of the shit we’ve gone through, bruh!

Listen, I know there are people who have their reservations about Durant and Irving. Hell, my boy Fabo correctly pointed out that Irving can be a shit-show and Durant’s future health is unknown. However, I was very willing to take that risk, son. Side note, everyone should go listen to my dude’s The Receding Hairlines Podcast. In any case, we’ve already seen Irving be the second-best player on a championship team, man. In addition, if Durant comes back even 85% of the player he used to be, then he’s still better than 99% of the league, fam. Frankly, I’d gladly take that type of production, bruh. The sad part is, Durant wouldn’t even give us a meeting and Dolan didn’t want to give him the max. Basically, we lost off the rip, son.

In the end, I’m fucking devastated, man. Like, my head is legitimately hurting right now, fam. Ultimately, the Knicks are poised to be as inept as we’ve always been. By and by, I don’t think I can do this anymore, bruh. At the end of the day, a sports team shouldn’t control my emotions like this, son. All I can say is, AHHHHHHHH! That’s all I’ve got, brethren. That’s all I’ve fucking got. LC out.

I Don’t Feel Sorry For The Golden State Warriors

So, before I begin, let me make something clear, son. On the real, I don’t wish injuries on anybody, man. Shit, as a dude who’s ravaged every ligament in both of my knees, it hurts to watch players go down. With all of that being said, I still won’t shed a tear for the Golden State Warriors. I mean, after numerous opposing players got injured during their championship run, the chickens have come home to roost, fam. All in all, the Toronto Raptors finally put them out of their misery.

Ok, for the weirdos who missed it, the Raptors just won the 2019 NBA Finals. Now, I won’t lie, bruh. Real talk, the copious amounts of injuries on the Warriors definitely helped Toronto win. Like, this would’ve been a completely different series if Kevin Durant and Klay Thompson were healthy. However, despite all of that, the Raptors did what they had to do to win the title, son. Hell, they won three games in Oracle Arena, man. Frankly, I didn’t think that was possible, fam.

In any case, I don’t want to hear any sob stories about the Warriors. Look, I’m already seeing people on that “Raptors beat a depleted team” shit, bruh. Ok, yeah, they did, son. Also, I don’t give a flying fuckity-fuck, man. Listen, the Warriors have continuously benefitted from other teams having injuries. So, am I supposed to feel sorry for them now? Hell nah, fam. Keeping it a buck, karma is a motherfucker, brethren. The fact is, it was the Warriors’ turn to have some real adversity, people.

Listen, all folks have to do is go through their history, son. First, in 2015, they faced a Cleveland Cavaliers team that didn’t have Kyrie Irving or Kevin Love. In 2017, they played a San Antonio Spurs team that didn’t have Kawhi Leonard or Tony Parker. In 2018, they battled a Houston Rockets team that was missing Chris Paul for games six and seven. Shit, I could literally keep going, folks. The point is, the Warriors are finally on the wrong side of injuries, man. After four years of luck, the shit just went bad for them, fam. It just is what it is. All I know is, if their titles don’t have asterisks next to them, then neither does Toronto’s title.

In the end, shout-out to Leonard, bruh. Ultimately, the trade for him might go down as one of the best trades ever. By and by, homie showed up for one season and brought a ring to a team that has never won one before. All I can say is, DeMar DeRozen has to be siiiiiick right now, son. At the end of the day, the North did it without him, man. Welp, those are the breaks, fam. That is all. LC out.

P.S. At some point, we need to talk about Steph Curry‘s clutch shooting. All I know is, if LeBron James went 0-8 on playoff go-ahead shots with 20 seconds left, he’d be nailed to a cross, bruh. But, we’ll save that for another time. Good day.

The Toronto Raptors Really Needed To Win Game 5

So, I won’t lie, son. On the real, last night’s game between the Golden State Warriors and the Toronto Raptors was one of the wildest games I’ve ever seen, man. I mean, the Raptors were right there, fam. Like, riiiiiight there, bruh. Shit, they were three minutes away from their first NBA Championship and they blew it. All I know is, last night’s loss puts them in a tough situation. Yeah, they’re still leading the series, but now ALL of the pressure is on them to pull this off.

Ok, for those who missed it because they hate themselves, Game 5 was crazy, son. First, the momentum seemed to shift in the Warriors’ favor when Kevin Durant decided to play. Hell, on a suspect calf, Durant tried to save his team from elimination. On top of that, he actually started off hot, man. Listen, he hit a couple of threes and it looked like he might turn the tide of this series. Then, in the second quarter, he went down with an Achilles injury. All I know is, that was the LAST thing that I wanted to see, fam.

At that point, it would’ve been easy to assume that the Warriors would crumble. Instead, they maintained their lead until the fourth quarter. From there, Kawhi Leonard decided that enough was enough. Look, he basically went on a double-digit run by himself, bruh. Real talk, when the Raptors jumped to a 103-97 lead with three minutes left, I thought the game was over, son. However, Steph Curry and Klay Thompson would not be denied, man. Basically, they put the team on their backs and squeaked out an improbable win, fam. Now, the Raptors have to try and win the title back in Oakland.

Now, here’s why I think the Raptors are in trouble. First, they’ve already won two games in Oracle Arena this series. With that being said, to get the ring in the next game, they would have to win ANOTHER game in that place. So, folks want me to believe that the Warriors, the team who’s won three of the last four titles, are going to lose three games at home? Bruh, I highly, HIGHLY doubt that. In addition, if the Raptors do lose Game 6, then they’ll be facing another Game 7 at home. All I can say is, that’s waaaaaay too much pressure on a team who’s never won a championship before. Frankly, they’re in danger of becoming the second team to blow a 3-1 lead in the Finals.

In the end, I think the Raptors missed a golden opportunity, son. Now, I’m not saying that they won’t win it all. Ultimately, they could very well close this thing out on Thursday. But, they’re now facing a fire that they didn’t want. Essentially, the defending champs are staring them in the face and daring them to kill them. By and by, we’ll see if these dudes have the mental fortitude to get it done, man. That is all. LC out.

P.S. That Durant injury is terrible, fam. Ok, yes, I have a history of criticizing him. But, I never wanted to see him go down like that, bruh. Keeping it a buck, it doesn’t matter that I want him on my New York Knicks. The fact of the matter is, when he’s healthy, he’s probably the best player in the world, son. All in all, the league is better when he’s killing shit, man. I just hope that the injury doesn’t permanently effect his career, brethren. Good day.

P.P.S. The Raptors fans ain’t shit for cheering when Durant went down. Like, what kinda loser celebrates an injury? By and by, I believe in karma, fam. The way I see it, that bush league shit is probably why their team lost that game, bruh. Ok, bye.