Say It Ain’t So, Melo!

Now, just in case anyone missed this, I’m a diehard New York Knicks fan. Like, diehard to the point that this team has caused me mental, emotional and physical pain. Side note, I said “physical pain” because my cousin once body slammed me after a Knicks loss in the ’90s. But that’s a story for another day, son. In any case, while I haven’t always been pro-Carmelo Anthony, I refuse to believe these recent reports. All I know is, if he really got a stripper pregnant, then he has WAY bigger problems than his issues with Phil Jackson.

Ok, before I continue, let me explain my issues with Melo. Now, keeping it a buck, my gripes aren’t really with him at all. Honestly, I have beef with the circumstances that brought him to the team in the first place. Look, if we venture back to 2011, the fuckery of James Dolan and company is very visible. After regaining some respectability with Amar’e Stoudemire, the dumbass Knicks front office decided to trade away Wilson Chandler, Raymond Felton, Danilo Gallinari, Timofey Mozgov and a first-round draft pick for Melo, Chauncey Billups and a bunch of bums. Yeah, we made it to the playoffs twice, but we were doomed from the start, man. Needless to say, I’ve always held a grudge, son.

So, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s talk about the fuck shit that Melo might’ve gotten himself into. First, news came out that he was separating from his wife, La La Anthony. Now, while the breakup of a marriage is always sad, people get divorced everyday, B. That in and of itself isn’t the story. Apparently, a major catalyst for their split is the rumor that he got a stripper pregnant here in NY.

*Sigh* Man, on everything I love, I hope that’s not true, son. Really, bro? Really?! With all of the stress he’s dealing with, courtesy of the Knicks, he thought this was the move? Bruh, he can’t be that stupid. Please tell me he isn’t that dumb, fam. Shiiiit, let me come home and tell my wife I knocked up a stripper. I probably won’t leave the house alive or in one piece, son. To make matters worse, she’s a lawyer, so she could probably find some legal loophole to get herself acquitted, man. With that being said, I’m gonna keep it reeeeal cool over here.

In the end, Melo and La La have been together for waaaaay too long to have it end like this, bruh. Shit, I remember the struggle days when La La worked for MTV and Melo was fresh off the block. Ultimately, I will not believe these reports until someone from their camp confirms it. Until then, Melo needs to use that Shaggy defense: “it wasn’t me.” Then again, he doesn’t play a lick of defense, so he might be fucked, son. LC out.

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The Bronx Is Burning: Desus & Mero Edition

To be clear, I support damn near everyone who represents the Bronx. No one is even allowed to say slanderous things about Big Pun, Wesley Snipes or Aaron Hall in my presence. Going further, I’m still convinced Kerry Washington and I have a future together. Hell, even Benny Blanco from Carlito’s Way gets love from me, son. I mean, let’s be real, he got Al Pacino’s character ALL THE WAY out of the paint, man. In any case, I consider myself the mascot for my borough. With that being said, I feel a personal investment in the success of Desus Nice and The Kid Mero. So, everyone out there needs to do the right thing and support their new show on Viceland.

Now, for those who are unaware, Desus and Mero rose to prominence by telling jokes on Twitter. After roasting almost every living human being on their respective timelines, they started to get shine on such platforms as Complex and MTV2. In addition, they also host a hilarious weekly podcast, The Bodega Boys, in conjunction with Red Bull. I mean, c’mon son, on what other podcast are the hosts going to say things like “fanut the choach” with legit sincerity? Where else in the world are we going to get frequent updates on the price of a kilo of cocaine? We all need to celebrate “the art” while it’s in front of us, son. We are all not worthy.

Ultimately, like I said before, I’m just happy to see folks from the Bronx winning. So, the only point that needs to be made is the fact their show on Viceland, Desus & Mero, airs every night at 11PM EST. Be good people and help minorities prosper, man. Shit, at the rate this country is deteriorating, Black and Brown people might only have a few more months left before we have to vacate America. Good day.