A Letter To Ari Shaffir

Dear Ari Shaffir,

So, instead of just flying off of the handle from the rip, I want to actually get a sense of what’s going on in your head. Like, I’ll never understand why some people think it’s cool to joke about death. With that being said, I’m honestly not here to talk to you about your feelings regarding Kobe Bryant. Instead, I genuinely want to know if you have a soul at all. The way I see it, no “joke” is worth coming off as a subhuman piece of sewer shit.

Ok, to be fair, you’ve been talking shit about Bryant for years. Frankly, ever since his rape charges were dropped, you’ve been VERY vocal about how you believe he got away with a crime. Now, even though you’re clearly not a fan of the man, I was still taken aback by the fuckery you spewed on Twitter and Instagram. Son, you were literally celebrating the fact that Bryant died. Apparently, his death is a “good story” and you shouted out the “hero who forgot to gas up his chopper.” Furthermore, for some reason, you thought it was appropriate to profess your hatred of the Los Angeles Lakers.

Now, keeping it a buck, I don’t even know where to begin, man. Look, as I said above, you can feel however you want to feel about Kobe Bryant. But, you fuck-face, eight other people died on that damn helicopter! Did you hate Gianna Bryant too? Did you also hate Christina Mauser? Did you hate Ara Zobayan, the Altobelli and Chester families as well? Is your hatred of one man so strong that you’re content with the demise of several teenagers and their parents? Good fucking Lord, you’re literally one of the worst fucking people I’ve ever witnessed in my life, bruh. All in all, if you think that Bryant’s death was karma, just wait until that shit comes back on you, dumbass. All I know is, I’d bet money that almost no one will cry for you.

In the end, good luck with those “jokes,” son. Ultimately, being an asshole has brought you greater visibility than any of your comedy routines, man. By and by, I hope you run into any of the family members from the people you’ve disrespected. All I can say is, sometimes street justice is the best form of justice, bruh. At the end of the day, I’m not telling you to care about Kobe Bryant. But, if other innocent lives don’t matter to you, then who’s the REAL evil person here? That is all.

Sincerely,

A dude who only knows that you exist because of Joe Rogan

RIP Kobe Bryant

Listen, let’s just skip the bullshit, son. On the real, I’m at a fucking loss for words right now, man. I mean, this story can’t be real, right? Like, are folks really trying to tell me that Kobe Bryant is dead? Fam, that doesn’t even make any fucking sense, bruh. All in all, I don’t know what else to say besides Rest In Peace to all of the folks who suddenly lost their lives yesterday.

Ok, for those who are living under a rock, tragic news just came out on Sunday. Now, according to reports, Bryant, along with eight other people, died in a helicopter crash in Calabasas, California. As of right now, no one knows what caused the helicopter to fall out of the sky. However, we do know that none of the passengers onboard survived. Sadly, in addition to Bryant, his daughter Gianna, Christina Mauser, John Altobelli, Alyssa Altobelli, Keri Altobelli, Sarah Chester, Payton Chester and pilot Ara Zobayan all perished in the crash. Needless to say, this entire situation is SUPER fucked up, son.

Look, if I’m being honest, I might be more sad about the young ones than anything else, man. I mean, death is always terrible, but it’s especially egregious when kids are involved, fam. Like, they will never have a chance to reach their full potential, bruh. Also, as a parent, I simply can’t imagine being in a situation knowing that I couldn’t save my kids. Frankly, that’s my worse fear as a father, brethren. Shit, I can’t take the idea of not being able to keep my children out of harm’s way. So, I’m fucked up just contemplating what everyone onboard might’ve been thinking in those final moments.

In the end, I’m not here to debate Bryant as a basketball player. Ultimately, we already know that he’s one of the greatest to ever lace up a pair of sneakers. By and by, I’m more upset about the fragility of life, son. With that being said, there are two lessons that I’ve taken from Kobe Bryant’s demise: one, life can truly end at a moment’s notice. Ok, yes, we all know that, but let’s be real, man. No one really expects to die prematurely. All in all, we need to live life to the fullest. Two, Bryant had an unparalleled work ethic. So, if anyone really wants to achieve something great, they better be prepared to put EVERYTHING into their craft, fam. In any case, RIP to all of people who needlessly lost their lives yesterday. That is all. LC out.

Kobe Bryant Still Didn’t Flinch

So, let me begin this post by saying that I’m not a Kobe Bryant fan. As a lifelong supporter/victim of the New York Knicks organization, I am forbidden to praise anything that he does, son. Regardless of that fact, I still have the ability to be objective, man. With that being said, Kobe Bryant still didn’t flinch in front of Matt Barnes, fam. All I know is, these new camera angles ain’t prove shit, bruh. It is what it is and it was what it was.

Ok, for those who are unaware, it’s been a longstanding legend that Kobe didn’t flinch when Barnes pump-faked the basketball in front of his face. Originally, based on the initial camera angle, it looked like Barnes did this millimeters away from Kobe. In any case, this incident has been used by Kobe fans to assert his thuggery, son. Side note, where was all that moxie when Chris Childs hit Kobe with the two-piece/no biscuit? I thought so. Anyway, as of yesterday, a new vantage point came out that challenged our view of the situation. Apparently, Kobe wasn’t standing directly in front of Barnes. In fact, he was slightly off to Barnes’ right side.

Now, I don’t need a reason to hate on Kobe, man. But, really, fam? Really? Did this new angle actually debunk the entire story? No, bruh. No it didn’t. Look, even with Kobe off to the side, Barnes still placed the ball inches away from his face. Real talk, the move was still close enough to get a reaction out of Kobe, son. The fact of the matter is, Kobe didn’t bite, folks. He still looked at Barnes like a peon who wasn’t worthy to be rocking an NBA jersey. All in all, I still see the video the same way, brethren.

In the end, let’s find other reasons to hate on Kobe, son. Shit, let’s hate on him for his four airballs against the Utah Jazz. Let’s hate on him for snitching on Shaquille O’Neal. Hell, let’s hate on him for taking 50 shots to score 60 points in his final game. However, we can’t take this from him, man. At the end of the day, he didn’t flinch, bruh. That is all. LC out.

Good Riddance, Phil Jackson!

Oh, what a joyous day, people! What a beautiful and wonderful day, folks! The Lord dropped down manna from Heaven and the New York Knicks fired Phil Jackson! Look, I know the reports say it was a “mutual agreement,” but I’m not rolling, son. On the real, I’m pretty sure that James Dolan told Jackson to get the fuck outta dodge, man. I mean, after all of his bullshit with Carmelo Anthony and Kristaps Porzingis, it was clear that the “Zen Master” had to go. In any case, while I still can’t stand Dolan, I must give credit where credit is due. Good riddance, Phil Jackson!

Listen, Jackson has been a disaster in NY, fam. Over the last three seasons, as president of the team, he has an 80-166 record. Meaning, we’ve lost more than twice the amount of games we’ve won, son. Bruh, I couldn’t handle this shit anymore! Look, like I’ve said in a previous post, if Jackson actually traded Porzingis, I was going to abandon the Knicks. Thankfully, the organization decided to make ONE good decision, for a change. Frankly, an overrated NBA coach isn’t worth our best player (Anthony) and our best prospect (Porzingis).

Side note, before I continue, let me explain my belief that Jackson is overrated. Fam, in his career, he’s coached Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Shaquille O’Neal, Kobe Bryant and prime Pau Gasol. Son, even I could’ve won a couple of titles with those lineups. Keeping it a buck, I thought Jackson was overrated long before he decided to ruin my team. In addition, he didn’t even invent the offense he’s famous for! Tex Winter created the “triangle offense,” bruh. So, ultimately, what is Jackson’s real worth? I’ll let everyone get back to me on that.

In the end, nothing else needs to be said here, son. Today is a happy day! The sun is shining, the temperature isn’t too hot and Jackson is no longer able to run my squad into the ground. Now, pardon me while I go find some chilled liquor to consume. Yeah, it’s that kind of moment, man. LC out.

LBJ To Miami vs. KD To Golden State

So, I guess I’m about to jump into this debate, huh? I mean, ever since Kevin Durant joined the Golden State Warriors, people have compared his decision to LeBron James going to the Miami Heat. Look, enough is enough, man. Now, on face value, their respective decisions may seem “similar,” but in reality, they’re drastically different. With that being said, it’s time for me to dispel this myth, fam.

First, let’s start with LeBron. The year before he joined the Heat, his Cleveland Cavaliers team had a 61-21 record. They were the top team in the Eastern Conference and we all thought they going to meet Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA Finals. However; LeBron and company ran into the Boston Celtics in the Semifinals. Needless to say, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett gave them that work, fam. By and by, the Cavs fell in six games.

On the flip side, the Heat had a 47-35 record that same season. They were third in their division and fifth in the East. Also, when they got to the playoffs, they lost to the Celtics in the first round and in five games. So, when LeBron switched teams, he wasn’t joining some powerhouse, son. On the real, they only became a juggernaut after he got there, man.

Now, let’s talk about Durant. The year before he joined the Warriors, his team had a 55-27 record. They were first in their division and third in the Western Conference. Now, here’s where they story gets stupid, fam. His team had a 3-1 lead over the Warriors in the Conference Finals, but then KD CHOKED! Shit, people love to blame Russell Westbrook for everything, but these same people ignore the fact that KD went 10-31 from the field in a Game 6. Keep in mind, the game was in Oklahoma City and it would’ve ended the series. So, if KD didn’t fall flat on his face, then he might’ve won a ring with the Thunder.

Once again, on the flip side, the Warriors had a 73-9 record that same season. Now, for anyone counting, that’s the best regular season record in NBA history. Honestly, they only went after KD because they choked against the Cavs in the Finals and gave up their own 3-1 lead. So, two factions of chokers decided to band together to ensure they don’t fail again.

Ok, now that I’ve laid out all of the information, let me sum this up for everyone. LeBron went to a weaker team and helped to turn them into a champion. Durant went to a championship caliber team, a squad he personally lost to, in hopes of getting that elusive ring. Keeping it a buck, I really don’t see how people compare these two moves. They don’t resemble each other at all, son. By and by, KD took the easiest way out. It just is what it is, fam.

In the end, I’m tired of defending LeBron, son. Listen, I’m not even a Cavs fan, bruh! Ultimately, I’m sick of people making assertions without any type of discernible context. All in all, everyone needs to do some basic research before they speak. That way, they don’t seem as dumb when they present their “hot takes.” In any case, the Finals will probably end tonight, man. We all need to enjoy them while they last. LC out.

Who’s The G.O.A.T.? Michael Jordan vs. LeBron James

So, let me begin this post by saying that Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time. However; the LeBron James slander needs to stop, son. Look, whether people want to admit it or not, LeBron deserves to be in the G.O.A.T. conversation now. I mean, the numbers don’t lie and the ball don’t lie either, man. Frankly, the NBA has never seen a player like LeBron, and it’s about time we give him his damn respect.

Now, before I continue, let me keep it a buck with everyone. To be real, I wasn’t always a LeBron fan. In fact, during his last season with the Cleveland Cavaliers (the first time) and his first season with the Miami Heat, I thought he was a sucker, son. Look, the man quit against the Boston Celtics in the 2010 Semifinals and played like pure ass against the Dallas Mavericks in the 2011 Finals. Needless to say, at that particular time, I questioned his heart.

With that all of that being said, this dude has completely dominated the league since his arrival. All jokes aside, LeBron’s ability should NEVER be questioned, bruh. Listen, MJ may be the NBA version of the Bogeyman, but LeBron is actually better than him in a few notable areas. All in all, LeBron is a better passer, a better rebounder and a more efficient scorer than MJ. Don’t believe me? Just look at the statistics, son. It just is what it is, man.

Moving on, LeBron is also a better defender than Jordan. Yes, I said it. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? Look, if we’re being real here, Scottie Pippen was the best defender on those old Chicago Bulls teams. He was the one who always had the toughest defensive assignment. Don’t believe me again? Well, go back and watch the 1991 Finals. Who was the one guarding Magic Johnson most of the time? That’s right, Pippen, son. Now, don’t get me wrong, MJ was a genius at playing the passing lanes. However; LeBron can legitimately guard every position on the court. Give that man his just due, fam.

Ok, with all of that being said, people really slander LeBron when it comes to rings. I mean, I can’t count how many times I’ve seen fools say “he only has three rings.” Only? Only?! Man, how many legends are in the Hall of Fame with NO rings or ONE championship? Shit, even when people compare LeBron to Kobe Bryant, they bring up the fact that Kobe has two more rings than LeBron. Well, LeBron has more Finals MVP‘s than Kobe because Kobe won his first three titles with a li’l ol’ player named Shaquille O’Neal. Kobe wasn’t even the best player on his own team during those years, bruh. Stop it, fam.

When it comes to Jordan, people like to pretend like all he ever did was win. Why does no one ever bring up the fact that he lost to the Detroit Pistons three years in a row? Three years in a row, man! In actuality, MJ only beat that team once, fam. Granted, he did it on the way to his first title, but he was never infallible in the playoffs. As a matter of fact, before his title runs, critics weren’t even sure if he had what it took to win it all. So, why do we criticize LeBron for making all of these Finals, but let MJ slide for repeatedly losing to the same team? That makes absolutely no sense, son.

In the end, I’m not trying to take away from Jordan’s greatness. I still believe he’s the greatest. However; when people put LeBron’s name in that conversation, it really isn’t as crazy as some would like us to believe. Ultimately, if LeBron can somehow magically beat the Golden State Warriors again, it might be time for everyone to rearrange their G.O.A.T. list. That is all. LC out.

Long Live Dirk Nowitzki!

Ok, as a hardened New York Knicks fan, it’s hard for me to give outside players credit. For example, I’m fully aware of the fact that Michael Jordan is the greatest player of all-time. However; for all of the years he tormented my beloved team, I refuse to purchase any of his God-forsaken sneakers. That’s right, son! I’m a 31-year-old Black man and I’ve never owned a pair of Jordan’s. Growing up, if it wasn’t a pair of Timberland‘s or Uptown‘s, excuse me, Air Force 1‘s, then I wasn’t with it, man. In any case, regardless of what I’ve just said, I’ve always been a fan of Dirk Nowitzki. So, in response to him scoring 30,000 career points, I want to give this legend his just due.

Now, if I’m being honest, I really don’t know how it’s possible to dislike Dirk. I mean, since 1998, the dude has done nothing but produce. He’s literally one of the most consistent players in NBA history. His numbers may have taken a dip this year, but he was just averaging 18 PPG last year, son! Keep in mind, his career average is 22 PPG. Meaning, in his 18th year in the league, he was STILL close to maximum productivity. That’s fucking insane, man! In addition, after eclipsing 30,000 points, he joined Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Karl Malone, Kobe Bryant, Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain as one of six players to reach that milestone. Do I really need to say more, bruh?

All in all, Dirk is the man, son. We need to salute our legends while they’re still in our presence, man. So, shout-out to Dirk for being one of the greatest players to ever lace up a pair of sneakers. Shit, where would the Dallas Mavericks be without him? LC out.

P.S. Dirk is also married to a Black woman, so he’s automatically gucci in my book, son. That is all.

P.P.S. Now that I think about it, we should look at some highlights before we go. I mean, why the fuck not, son? Let’s do it!