Robert Mueller Is Putting Cases On All You B*tches!

Disclaimer: Everyone should read the title in Denzel Washington’s voice from Training Day. That is all.

So, shit just got real, huh? After all of the talk about Robert Mueller’s investigation, heads are starting to roll, son. With that being said, I’d be remiss if I didn’t get these jokes off about all of the fuckity-fuck shit going on in Donald Trump’s inner circle. In any case, let’s take a deep dive into all of the shit that Paul Manafort, Rick Gates and George Papadopoulos have gotten themselves into, man.

Ok, for those living under a rock, the shitshow began on Friday, fam. As the week came to a close, word got out that a sealed indictment was underway. From that standpoint, it was highly likely that someone was going to get arrested, bruh. Now, in light of that information, I assumed that Manafort was going to be the first to go down. Shit, after the FBI raised his crib back in August, it was only a matter of time before he was in a world of hurt, folks. Moving on, I was proven right when Monday came around. However; I would’ve never guessed the type of dirt that they have on him, people.

Basically, Trump’s former campaign chairman is a scammer, son. Since around 2005, he’s been laundering millions of dollars through overseas shell companies. Both him and his adviser, Rick Gates, have been living their best Joanne The Scammer life for well over a decade. As it stands, their fraud was still going on even after Manafort came aboard Trump’s team. Anyway, both men have been officially charged and are currently out of bail. In addition, both have pleaded not guilty to the accusations.

Now, the wildest part is, this isn’t even the wildest part of the story, son. Frankly, George Papadopoulos is the bigger news, man. Look, although Manafort and Gates have been involved in massive amounts of fuckery, the White House can still maintain plausible deniability. However; Papadopoulos’ tale is where shit gets interesting, fam. To begin, he’s already pled guilty to lying to federal agents. So, what did he lie about exactly? Russia, bruh. Russia.

As we now know, Papadopoulos, Trump’s former foreign policy adviser, was actively working with Kremlin-connected clowncakes to get dirt on Hillary Clinton. To make matters worse, in his own correspondence, he stated that he wanted someone low-level to meet with them in order to keep the heat away from Trump. Son, that has conspiracy written all over it! Real talk, the situation is so bad for Papadopoulos that he didn’t even try to fight the charges, man. The way I see it, I wouldn’t be surprised if he started rolling on everyone, fam. Shit, let the snitching begin!

In the end, all I can do is laugh at this, bruh. On the real, I doubt we’ve seen the last of the indictments, folks. Hell, I know Michael Flynn is somewhere sweating right now, son. Ultimately, a bunch of corrupt people were/are on Trump’s squad, man. Am I supposed to believe that he’s innocent of ALL of the fuckery? Give me a break, fam. I ain’t that dumb. LC out.

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What The F*ck Did Ja Rule Do?!

So, am I wrong for laughing at this Fyre Festival situation? Son, this is Joanne The Scammer on a million! What the fuck were Ja Rule and Billy McFarland thinking, man?! First off, the idea of a “luxury music festival” is preposterous. Has anyone actually been to a real music festival? Shit, “organized chaos” is the best way to describe it, son. In any case, this proposition was clearly doomed from the start. However; no one could’ve guessed this idea would turn into this much of a shit-show, fam. Anyway, let’s just take a moment to make fun of everyone involved.

To begin, who in their right mind would pay five or six figures for a music festival? I mean, will God come down from Heaven and play a mean guitar solo? Will Buddha rise from the dead and offer everyone the finest of hallucinogens? Will Noah construct villas for everyone from the same material he used to make The Ark? Bruh, how could these dummies not see the scam in action? Look, Bella Hadid was never coming to the shindig, son. Anyone who believed otherwise is a plum fool, man.

Now, with all of that being said, Ja Rule and McFarland are still foul, fam. They literally tried to finesse all of their patrons with disaster relief tents, yellow school buses and cheese sandwiches. Listen, they essentially created an overpriced refugee camp. I mean, we could basically call it “Fyre Festival sponsored by FEMA.” Man, it’s no wonder they’re being sued for $100 million right now. Shit, if I was the plaintiff, an ass whooping would be part of my settlement, son. I should be allowed to punch Ja Rule and McFarland in their respective mouths, man. I guarantee that would ensure they wouldn’t try this fuck shit again, bruh.

Ultimately, I don’t feel sorry for anyone here. This shit is just funny, man. Next time, how about everyone just stick to the well-known music festivals? That way, everyone is aware of what they’re really getting ahead of time. LC out.

Angela The Scammer: The Legend Of Blac Chyna

Ok, so, I’m well aware of the fact my posts normally deal with logic, facts and sound arguments. However; fuck ALL of that today, son! I’m just here for the jokes, man. I’m here for all of the lulz, memes and slanderous comments. While I don’t believe not, nann, none of this story about Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian, I still think it’s a comical ass situation to laugh at. If Angela Renée Kardashian really ran off on the plug twice, like Rob is insinuating, he’s without a doubt the dumbest man walking the Earth right now.

Now, like I’ve said before, I’m not here for the facts, man. I just want to laugh at some fuckery. Apparently, Rob came home one day and Chyna hit him with the Harry Houdini. When he looked around, she was gone, their newborn daughter Dream Kardashian was gone, and even the nursery he built was gone. This comes after a “hacker” leaked a bunch of her Instagram DM’s, which seem to show her calling Rob all types of “fat loser” and hollering at random rappers. To make matters funnier, excuse me, worse, the “hacker” seemed to expose her plan to leave Rob after a year.

So, I just have one question for Rob: what the fuck did he think was going to happen, son? This man decided to date the ex-girlfriend/baby mother of his sister’s current boyfriend and thought shit was going to be cool? He decided to impregnate a former stripper/current Fit Tea promoter and thought she wasn’t after the money? Wait, did anyone actually think this relationship was real in the first place? Man… Get. The. Flying. Fuck. Out. Of. Here! Is this even news? Why am I seeing outlets like CNN covering this shit? I swear, as a country, we are WAAAAAY too invested in whatever fuck shit the Kardashian’s are doing. At this point, I’m a firm believer that EVERYTHING they do is for a storyline. With that being said, if Blac Chyna is nothing more than an opportunist, then that’s exactly what they asked for. That family has done nothing but mine everyone’s business for attention. If there’s any doubt about that, just go ask Lamar Odom.

In the end, Angela took the Jedi mantel from Joanne The Scammer and ran off with all of Rob’s duckets and feelings. All we can do now is sit back, laugh and then move on to some shit that’s actually important. Good day.

Pastor Mark Burns: The Real Joanne The Scammer

Listen, I can’t fully explain to everyone how much joy I get out of watching stupid people crash and burn. When an imbecile gets caught out there in a flowerbed of nonsense, I’m absolutely positive an angel receives its wings. With that being said, I’d like to personally thank Pastor Mark Burns for reaching the final level of sideshow clown. Now that his fraudulent history has been exposed for the world to see, hopefully this means the public won’t have to see his cartoonish face any longer.

Before I continue, if anyone out there is unfamiliar with Joanne The Scammer, do the world a favor and look her up. As always, Google is everybody’s best friend and will gladly display the hilarity that ensues when she’s on the screen. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy beating up an ex-lover’s new significant other and a good credit card scam? With that being said, thank you, Joanne, for showing us the ways of the Jedi when it comes to being messy and petty.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, it’s incredibly funny seeing Mark Burns embrace all of Joanne’s philosophies. Side note, with all of the tomfoolery he’s gotten himself into, I refuse to call Burns a pastor anymore. He doesn’t deserve that distinction, son. In any case, Burns’ claim to fame is making a fool of himself in support of Donald Trump. My first encounter with him came during the Republican National Convention. This dude took the stage and literally prayed for Jesus to defeat Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party. Since then, he’s been on a media tour, doing interviews and sharing racist cartoons of Hillary. However; just when I thought I’d have to break my television in order to escape the madness, Burns completely imploded on CNN.

During an interview with Victor Blackwell, all of Burns’ lies came to the forefront. By now, I already knew he got busted for lying about being a member of the Kappa Alpha Psi fraternity. Come to find out, that is the least of this man’s fairy tales. In addition to his other fibs, this guy lied about graduating from North Greenville University AND lied about serving six years in the Army Reserve. In actuality, he attended the aforementioned school for one semester and spent a brief amount of time in the National Guard. Look, this dummy can’t be serious, man! Did he not realize his colorful imagination would be exposed? That’s like me saying I have a hit record in Austria like that can’t be fact checked, man. I mean, if someone is going to fabricate their life, at least do it in a way that can’t be easily debunked, son. Now, Burns is looking like the idiot I always knew he was.

In the end, I can’t even say I’m surprised, man. This is just another illustration of the comical campaign Trump has run. Trump’s presidential bid has been nothing but a bucket of Forrest Gump logic. Wait, just call him Forrest Trump, bruh! That’s how stupid this entire experience has been, son. I guess we can now use Mark Burns as another example of Trump’s profound ineptitude. Good day.