What The F*ck, Fabolous?!

Son, this entire situation looks TERRIBLE, man! Listen, I know that until Fabolous is convicted of a crime, everything is “allegedly.” However; if these stories are true, which they seem to be, Fab lost his cotdamn mind, fam! All in all, people can miss me with the “what did she do” and “we don’t know the whole story” talk. On the real, if Fab really abused Emily B., NONE of that shit matters, bruh!

Ok, for those who missed it, Fab was recently arrested for domestic violence. Now, Emily is claiming that Fab punched her in the mouth seven times, knocked out two of her teeth and threatened to shoot her father and brother. In addition, she’s stated that the altercation with her family occurred after she called them to remove Fab’s guns from their house. Apparently, she was afraid that Fab would use them against her.

Now, to make matters worse, TMZ found a video of the argument between Fab and Emily’s father. In the clip, Fab can be seen threatening to shoot Emily’s father while a child was crying in the background. Furthermore, Fab was holding some type of object, and every time he moved towards Emily, she jumped back in fear. All I know is, that video alone supports part of Emily’s story, son.

Moving on, the rumor is that Fab and Emily got into a fight over her social media. Apparently, thanks to Instagram, he found out that she was in Los Angeles instead of New York. Now, I’m not sure if he thought she was creeping or not, but that point is irrelevant, man. Look, let’s say, hypothetically, that Emily was cheating on Fab. Does that give him the right to physically assault her? Fuck no, fam! Real talk, he’s a grown ass man, bruh! This is not the way adults are supposed to handle domestic situations, folks. Either leave the relationship or work out the issues. Plain and simple.

In any case, I want to know how Fab is still alive, son. Shit, if any man, ANY MAN, did that shit to my daughter, he’s fucking DEAD, fam! Hell, what part of the game is knocking someone’s teeth out, bruh?! Keeping it a buck, it’s really disappointing to see so many people cop pleas for Fab. Look, when I read comments, I’m seeing things like “what did she do,” “maybe she was cheating” and “they were in HIS house.” Good fucking Lord, NONE OF THAT MATTERS! None of that is a valid reason for him to beat up the mother of his kids! My God, how can people be so dense about these situations? Listen, domestic violence is NEVER the answer, people! Never!

In the end, I don’t even know what else to say, son. Ultimately, this is an awful scenario all around, man. By and by, I’ll never understand why some people think violence against women is a good move. *Sigh* I’ve got nothing, fam. LC out.

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Will Smith Has The Best Account On Instagram

So, let me be real, son. These days, I spend a lot of time talking about serious topics. I mean, there’s so much fuckity-fuck shit going on, I feel like I need to make sense of it all. In any case, I’d like to take this time to speak about something lighthearted. With that being said, let’s all touch base about Will Smith‘s awesome Instagram account. Real talk, his videos may be the best thing about IG right now, man. All in all, if anyone disagrees, do us all a favor and get acquainted with Willard’s greatness.

Ok, let me explain why I’m such a fan of Smith’s IG antics. Now, growing up, I was a HUGE fan of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. On the real, Smith was a cotdamn fool and it always made for entertaining television. Anyway, when I look at Smith’s IG page, it’s clear as day that he wasn’t acting on that show. Like, that’s REALLY his personality, fam. Look, I pretty much always knew that, but it’s dope as hell to see it in real time, bruh. Listen, this dude is one of the most successful people in the world and he’s still out here terrorizing his children and acting an ass. Yeah, we can wax poetically about his inspirational videos, which are great, but I’m also here for the jokes, people. Keeping it a buck, his tomfoolery encourages me to continue being my stupid ass self. Sorry in advance, kids.

In the end, there’s nothing else for me to say, son. Ultimately, I could describe my favorite posts from his feed, but I’d much rather show them, man. With that being said, folks can take a look at my favorite videos below. By and by, people can take a break from the twerking videos for a second. Yes, I know they’re wonderful, but they’ll still be there after we’re done here, fam. That is all. LC out.

Wait… Hold Up… Say that again?!

A post shared by Will Smith (@willsmith) on

Floyd Mayweather Better Stay Far Away From MMA

So, let’s be real, son. I mean, Floyd Mayweather is probably trolling us, man. Shit, if nothing else, he’s a master at keeping his name in the spotlight. In any case, I highly, HIGHLY doubt that Mayweather is entertaining an MMA fight. Why? Because he’d get fucking murdered, fam! Listen, as much as I box, I’m also aware of the skill set needed for a mixed martial arts match. With that being said, someone stop Floyd before he gets choked to death.

Ok, for those who missed it, Mayweather seems to be up to something. Just yesterday, he posted a cryptic video on Twitter and Instagram. In it, we can see him walking into an MMA cage, moving around like he’s getting acclimated to the scenery. Now, this is notable for a couple of reasons. First, if he were really entertaining an MMA match, he could make a MASSIVE amount of money. This is especially true if it were against Conor McGregor. Second, him and Dana White previously squashed the idea of him fighting in the UFC. So, this would be a complete about-face. All in all, I’m not exactly sure what Mayweather is trying to say here, if anything, bruh.

Look, it’s no secret that I’m an avid MMA fan, son. Anyway, while I spend a lot of time boxing now, I spent years doing Taekwondo as a kid. Meaning, I know what it’s like to get kicked in the face. Does Floyd? Because that’s EXACTLY the type of shit that will happen in an MMA fight, man. Listen, Mayweather’s boxing pedigree can’t be questioned, but is he ready for all of the other disciplines? Has he grappled before? Does he know what it’s like to get kicked repeatedly on the legs? Shit, if Floyd walks into an octagon, he’s going to get fucking mangled, fam! All I know is, he better get A LOT of practice in before he gets assassinated for money, bruh.

In the end, I don’t even know why I fell for Mayweather’s trap, son. Ultimately, this video probably means nothing and he’s just fucking with us. By and by, I hope that’s the case, man. At the end of the day, if he steps onto the mat against McGregor, then Conor is probably going to head kick the fuck out of Mayweather. Then again, maybe that’s EXACTLY what I want to see, fam. Hey, Dana, make this shit happen, bruh! That is all. LC out.

These Sex Dolls Are Out Of Control!

So, what the fuck is going on, son? Like, is this what we’re really doing, man? Look, are folks trying to tell me that dudes are giving up on real women, fam? Listen, all I want to know is, when did sex dolls become the wave, bruh? I mean, variations of them have been around for eons. All in all, what’s going on in society and technology that this has become such a trend? All I can say is, we’re living in some strange ass times, people.

Ok, I was inspired to write this because of social media. Basically, over the last few weeks, I’ve been seeing more and more posts about a new brand of sex dolls for men. Listen, shit started getting real when a doll named Shakira started making rounds on the internet. Side note, I would normally put hyperlinks to articles on my site, but I ain’t tryna get caught out there dispensing porn, son. Then again, is it porn if it’s a doll? See, I don’t know what the fuck is happening out here, man! In any case, Shakira became notable because of how “she’s” shaped. Essentially, she has a big ass and big ass titties and dudes are losing their fucking minds over it.

Moving on, more and more pictures of dolls have been invading my Facebook, Instagram and Twitter timelines, fam. Wait, what kinda pervs am I following, bruh? Seriously, why is my IG Explore Page filled with this shit, folks? Hmm, I may need to reevaluate who I associate with. Anyway, these dolls are making news because they’re all shaped like chicks who dance in Magic City and King of Diamonds. So, is that all men need, son? Anything that looks like a fat ass? It doesn’t even need to be human ass? *Sigh* I’m fucking LOST out here, man!

Listen, even if we take away the companionship of a real woman, these dolls are going to have obvious deficiencies, fam. Like, can Shakira throw that ass back? Can Shakira ride? Can Shakira give that oral yahmean? Hell nah, bruh! On the real, if they could do all of that, then we’d need to worry about the rise of Skynet, folks. In that reality, sex would be the least of our worries. Coming back, dudes are really trying to fuck a balloon that’s shaped like a stripper? Sheesh, I don’t even know what to say, son. Times like these really give credence to the phrase “truth is stranger than fiction.”

In the end, shit like this is why I’m happy to be married, man. Keeping it a buck, these dating apps already seemed like a daunting enough task for me. Now, guys out here aren’t even trying to entertain talking to women. Ultimately, people say “don’t kink shame,” but fuck that, fam! I’m ABSOLUTELY judging any man who actually buys one of these things! By and by, instead of buying a doll called Shakira, go find a real Shakira and see if she’s down for the getdown. At the end of the day, I’m 100% positive it’ll be more fun that way, bruh. That is all. LC out.

Who The F*ck Is Eating Tide Pods?!

Real talk, why are teenagers so damn dumb, son? Like, I did A TON of idiotic shit as a teen, but I swear, this new breed is on some other shit, man. On the real, why would ANYONE think it was a good idea to eat a Tide Pod? Fam, those things are literally designed to scrub dirt off of clothes. Does that sound like some shit that would do good things to intestines? *Sigh* All I know is, teens shouldn’t be ending up in the hospital for something so ridiculous.

Ok, for those who missed it, teenagers have found a new way to be nonsensical. Apparently, teens have been posting videos of themselves biting into laundry pods all over social media. As expected, these misguided kids have been coughing, foaming at the mouth and even getting poisoned, in a few cases. As a matter of fact, according to the American Association of Poison Control Centers, 39 poisoning calls have already been placed in the new year. Keep in mind, we’re only 18 days into 2018, bruh.

Listen, I may be a grown ass man now, but I wasn’t a teenager that long ago, son. Back then, all I worried about was hollering at chicks and drinking brown liquor. Shit, that was risky enough, man. Where the hell does detergent come into the equation, fam? Good Lord, there are MILLIONS of ways to have fun that don’t involve possible death, bruh. These young muhfuckas need to find a sport or find a real hobby, folks. I mean, I’m pretty sure video games still exist, people.

In the end, teenagers need to cut the bullshit, son. Ultimately, there isn’t a noble way to write “he died from eating a Tide Pod” in an obituary, man. By and by, all of these “challenges” need to stop too. Well, unless it’s something like a “Parallel Park Without Hitting The Car Behind You” challenge. Hell, I know all of these kids would fail that shit, fam. LC out.

B.o.B Is The Dumbest Man Alive

All jokes aside, how many dumb ideas can one dude have, son? Look, in my eyes, everyone has to pick a thing, man. Like, we all should only be allowed to have one ridiculous belief, fam. For me, I believe The Rolling Stones are better than The Beatles, bruh. Yes, I know some people may think I’m insane, but no one can convince me otherwise. With that being said, rapper B.o.B is DETERMINED to have the most preposterous ideas, folks. First, he claimed that the Earth was flat. Shit, he even got into a beef with Neil deGrasse Tyson about it. Now, he’s claiming that slavery never existed in America. All in all, this clown can’t be fucking serious, people.

Ok, as I stated in the previous paragraph, Bobby Ray is alleging that slavery didn’t happen in America. So, he posted some bullshit on his Instagram page and proudly proclaimed that there was no slavery in his DNA. Furthermore, he wondered why we could find dinosaur bones but couldn’t find any slave ships. Now, outside of the fact that he’s insane, his fuckery bothers me for another reason, son. Look, if this clowncake did even the SMALLEST amount of research, he’d know that everything he’s stated has already been debunked. With that being said, let’s start with slave ships, man.

Now, in Washington, D.C., there’s a little Smithsonian museum called the National Museum of African American History and Culture. Essentially, this museum chronicles the entire history of Black people in the United States. Please note, I’ve written about this exact place on my blog before. Meaning, the virtues of this building have already been added to the zeitgeist. In any case, this museum has tons of valuable items on display, such as artifacts from slave ships that B.o.B claims don’t exist. As it stands, anybody can go to D.C. right now and see remnants of the São José Paquete Africa, a slave ship from Portugal.

Moving on, what confuses me even more is the fact that B.o.B is from the South. I mean, he can go to a bunch of different states and see a preserved plantation right this moment, fam. At the end of the day, there are millions of conspiracies, bruh. However; the existence of slavery isn’t one of them, folks. It just is what it is, people.

In the end, I don’t want to hear any more tomfoolery from B.o.B, son. At this point, I only need him to do one thing, man: give me Sevyn Streeter’s number, fam. I mean, that woman is fine as fuckity-fuck, bruh! In any case, Bobby needs to leave the happy dust alone and go back to making music that people actually care about. Keeping it a buck, he hasn’t really done that in a number of years, folks. LC out.

A Wheelchair Doesn’t Stop Sexual Assault

Look, I won’t lie, son. It’s mind-boggling how much I’ve had to write about sexual assault over the last few weeks, man. From Harvey Weinstein to Bill O’Reilly to #MeToo, it’s clear that dudes just can’t keep their hands to themselves, fam. Shit, I guess we can add George H.W. Bush to that list, bruh. Apparently, according to AMC’s Heather Lind, Bush can be a little too free with his hands. *Sigh* I guess not even a wheelchair can stop male fuckery, folks.

So, for those who missed it, Lind recently came out and threw Bush under the bus. Now, according to an Instagram post, the incident happened during a screening of Turn, Lind’s show on AMC. Allegedly, from his wheelchair, Bush touched her from behind AND made a dirty joke. From there, when Barbara Bush got wind of what occurred, apparently she just rolled her eyes at her husband. Shit, I suppose she’s used to the fuckity-fuck shit, son.

Now, to put this all into perspective, this situation happened about four years ago. At this time, Bush would’ve been 89 years old. So, even at that age and confined to a wheelchair, Bush couldn’t resist the abuse, man. Good fucking Lord, fam! Is there ANY scenario where a woman can feel safe, bruh? Like, is there ANYWHERE they can go where they won’t be violated? Real talk, I just keep hearing story after story and it’s driving me insane. Seriously, all of my fellow men need to do WAY better, people! All I know is, this type of behavior is beyond unacceptable, son.

In the end, I have nothing else to say here, man. Ultimately, this story is yet another example of the consistent harassment women have to deal with. By and by, I don’t know why it’s so hard for men to wait for women to give them the go-ahead. Shit, women love sex too, fam. Just wait for them to offer it, bruh. That is all. LC out.