Fraud, As Told By Ja Rule

Oh my god, this is terrible. Could somebody please find Ja Rule, get ahold of this motherfucker, so I can make sense of all this? Where is Ja?

So, as usual, Dave Chappelle said it all, son. All I know is, I laughed way harder than I should’ve while watching that Fyre documentary on Netflix. Real talk, the Fyre Festival was one of the biggest scams I’ve ever seen, man. Now, before watching this doc, I already knew that a ton of fuckery went down. However, I was thoroughly baffled to see how much nonsense Ja and Billy McFarland tried to get away with. Furthermore, I was confused about how people fell for this shit. All in all, this entire saga was a glorious train wreck, fam.

Ok, for those who missed it, the failed Fyre Festival is back in the news. As of right now, there are two documentaries making their rounds on streaming services. First, there’s the aforementioned Fyre doc on Netflix. In addition, there’s the Fyre Fraud doc on Hulu. Keeping it a buck, I can only speak on the Netflix joint since I don’t have Hulu. Anyway, while watching the footage with my wife, I was blown away by this whole operation, bruh. I mean, this idea was doomed from the start, son. Frankly, I have no idea why anyone went along with this bullshit, man.

Now, where do I even begin, fam? Look, there was NO way McFarland and company could pull any of their promises off, bruh. Shit, McFarland lied to people about EVERYTHING. Like, he had no island, no luxury lodging, no headlining acts and no one to tell him to chill. But, he always found a way to get folks to invest more of their money, son. Hell, all it took was a co-sign from Ja, Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid, Emily Ratajkowski and Chanel Iman. From there, people were ready to commit, man. All I know is, there was never a time where this festival would even remotely work, brethren.

Keeping it a buck, I have a hard time feeling sorry for people, son. Ok, yes, I feel terrible for the Bahamian folks who were taken advantage of. Side note, shout-out to the GoFundMe campaign that raised close to $200,000 for MaryAnn Rolle. After taking a HUGE loss for trying to feed people during the festival, it appears that she’s been made whole again. In any case, that’s where my sympathy stops, man. Seriously, anyone who fell for the “villa tent” mirage is an idiot, fam. Like, I saw someone write “will my tent have an outlet” in an email to McFarland. No, dumbass! Folks should’ve been happy with ham sandwiches and FEMA tents. That’s all McFarland had for them, bruh.

In the end, Ja Rule needs to be honest, son. Ultimately, false advertising is the same as fraud, man. By and by, Billy McFarland and Ja finessed folks with Joanne The Scammer-like precision, fam. At the end of the day, I have no clue how Ja skated, bruh. I mean, he got hit with a class action lawsuit, but he’s not facing prison time like McFarland. *Sigh* At least I can still hold onto Ja’s first three albums, folks. He’s been up to nonstop tomfoolery ever since. That is all. LC out.

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What The F*ck Did Ja Rule Do?!

So, am I wrong for laughing at this Fyre Festival situation? Son, this is Joanne The Scammer on a million! What the fuck were Ja Rule and Billy McFarland thinking, man?! First off, the idea of a “luxury music festival” is preposterous. Has anyone actually been to a real music festival? Shit, “organized chaos” is the best way to describe it, son. In any case, this proposition was clearly doomed from the start. However; no one could’ve guessed this idea would turn into this much of a shit-show, fam. Anyway, let’s just take a moment to make fun of everyone involved.

To begin, who in their right mind would pay five or six figures for a music festival? I mean, will God come down from Heaven and play a mean guitar solo? Will Buddha rise from the dead and offer everyone the finest of hallucinogens? Will Noah construct villas for everyone from the same material he used to make The Ark? Bruh, how could these dummies not see the scam in action? Look, Bella Hadid was never coming to the shindig, son. Anyone who believed otherwise is a plum fool, man.

Now, with all of that being said, Ja Rule and McFarland are still foul, fam. They literally tried to finesse all of their patrons with disaster relief tents, yellow school buses and cheese sandwiches. Listen, they essentially created an overpriced refugee camp. I mean, we could basically call it “Fyre Festival sponsored by FEMA.” Man, it’s no wonder they’re being sued for $100 million right now. Shit, if I was the plaintiff, an ass whooping would be part of my settlement, son. I should be allowed to punch Ja Rule and McFarland in their respective mouths, man. I guarantee that would ensure they wouldn’t try this fuck shit again, bruh.

Ultimately, I don’t feel sorry for anyone here. This shit is just funny, man. Next time, how about everyone just stick to the well-known music festivals? That way, everyone is aware of what they’re really getting ahead of time. LC out.