It Be Ya Own People: Kevin Hart Edition

So, this Kevin Hart infidelity shit just took a weird turn, huh? I mean, when I read that someone was trying to extort him with a sex tape, I just assumed it was one of the women in the video, son. On the real, I would’ve never imagined that the culprit might be someone from his inner circle, man. In any case, if the rumors are true, then Jonathan Todd Jackson is a fucking clown, fam. All in all, what part of the game is trying to extort a friend, bruh?

Ok, before I continue, allow me to be petty for a second, son. Now, while researching this story, I’ve seen several media outlets refer to Jackson as either JT or Action Jackson. First off, we already have a JT and his name is Justin Timberlake, man. Furthermore, that JT is already on thin ice after his Man of the Woods album, fam. Needless to say, we don’t need anymore fuckery from someone who goes by JT. Second, there’s only one Action Jackson and his name is Carl Weathers, bruh. Look, I ain’t never see Jonathan Todd square up with Rocky Balboa or Predator, folks. So, he doesn’t have the right to use the “Action” moniker.

Anyway, let’s get back to Jackson’s tomfoolery, son. Now, according to reports, Jackson has been charged with attempted extortion and extortion by threatening letter. Apparently, he somehow got a copy of Hart’s sex tape and tried to swindle some money out of the comedian. This is notable because these dudes used to be boys. Real talk, I only recognize Jackson’s face because of his proximity to Hart, man. Shit, I can specifically remember seeing him in Think Like a Man Too, a film that starred Hart. So, I think it’s safe to say that Hart got homie a roll in that film.

My thing is, what would lead that dude to attempt this fuck shit, fam? Keeping it a buck, if my boy tried to shake me for some cash, I might as well just confess, bruh. I’d much rather take the risk with my wife than give a carpetbagger any of my bread, son. On top of that, this friend, now former friend, would have to catch these hands, man. Lastly, I’d make him film his own beatdown, since he likes tapes so damn much. Good Lord, Jackson is a straight dumbass for this shit, people.

In the end, I hope those felony charges were worth it, son. Ultimately, if Jackson gets convicted, those consequences ain’t gonna be sweet, man. At the end of the day, stupid is as stupid does, shout-out to Forrest Gump. By and by, Jackson is the definition of stupid, fam. That is all. LC out.

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A Letter To Chris Brown

Dear Chris Brown,

What the fuck is wrong with you, son? You mean to tell me, after all of this time, you haven’t learned anything? After Rihanna, prison and God knows how many public incidents, you really haven’t learned a fucking thing? Bruh, what is your issue with women, man? Why do you always have such high-levels of aggression toward the opposite sex? *Sigh* Ultimately, despite all of the chances you’ve been given, this latest situation with Karrueche Tran shows that you’re nothing but a lost cause.

Now, I don’t need to tell you what’s going on. I’m positive you’re already aware of the restraining order Karrueche filed against you. I’m just baffled by the fact that ANOTHER woman is accusing you of abuse after your VERY public history. I mean, we ALL know what you did to Rihanna. There’s no need to go over that again. However; how are you so dense that a different woman can accuse you of punching her and pushing her down the stairs? Karrueche even excused you of recently threatening to kill her. Apparently, you told these plans to a number of people. So, rehab, prison and a career hit wasn’t enough for you to get your shit together? Good fucking Lord, man, you are hopeless!

At this point, I don’t know how anyone can defend you anymore. Now, I’m sure your loyal fans will try to cape for you, but delusional people also cape for Donald Trump. Meaning, stupid is as stupid does, in the immortal words of Forrest Gump. In any case, when singers like Kay Cola claim that she’s personally heard your abuse before, it’s difficult to pass this story off as conjecture. In addition, since you’re the same man who proudly admits to stalking ex-girlfriends, I don’t understand why anyone is surprised by these allegations.

All in all, it’s time for you to vanish now. You don’t deserve sympathy, you don’t deserve fans and you don’t deserve a career. I’ll never be the one to deny your talent, but you’re a worthless human being, son. Any man who continuously inflicts violence on women doesn’t deserve any positivity in his life. Frankly, you’re a piece of shit, Chris Brown. Plain and simple. Please disappear. Now!

Sincerely,

A real man who doesn’t condone domestic violence

Pastor Mark Burns: The Real Joanne The Scammer

Listen, I can’t fully explain to everyone how much joy I get out of watching stupid people crash and burn. When an imbecile gets caught out there in a flowerbed of nonsense, I’m absolutely positive an angel receives its wings. With that being said, I’d like to personally thank Pastor Mark Burns for reaching the final level of sideshow clown. Now that his fraudulent history has been exposed for the world to see, hopefully this means the public won’t have to see his cartoonish face any longer.

Before I continue, if anyone out there is unfamiliar with Joanne The Scammer, do the world a favor and look her up. As always, Google is everybody’s best friend and will gladly display the hilarity that ensues when she’s on the screen. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy beating up an ex-lover’s new significant other and a good credit card scam? With that being said, thank you, Joanne, for showing us the ways of the Jedi when it comes to being messy and petty.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, it’s incredibly funny seeing Mark Burns embrace all of Joanne’s philosophies. Side note, with all of the tomfoolery he’s gotten himself into, I refuse to call Burns a pastor anymore. He doesn’t deserve that distinction, son. In any case, Burns’ claim to fame is making a fool of himself in support of Donald Trump. My first encounter with him came during the Republican National Convention. This dude took the stage and literally prayed for Jesus to defeat Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party. Since then, he’s been on a media tour, doing interviews and sharing racist cartoons of Hillary. However; just when I thought I’d have to break my television in order to escape the madness, Burns completely imploded on CNN.

During an interview with Victor Blackwell, all of Burns’ lies came to the forefront. By now, I already knew he got busted for lying about being a member of the Kappa Alpha Psi fraternity. Come to find out, that is the least of this man’s fairy tales. In addition to his other fibs, this guy lied about graduating from North Greenville University AND lied about serving six years in the Army Reserve. In actuality, he attended the aforementioned school for one semester and spent a brief amount of time in the National Guard. Look, this dummy can’t be serious, man! Did he not realize his colorful imagination would be exposed? That’s like me saying I have a hit record in Austria like that can’t be fact checked, man. I mean, if someone is going to fabricate their life, at least do it in a way that can’t be easily debunked, son. Now, Burns is looking like the idiot I always knew he was.

In the end, I can’t even say I’m surprised, man. This is just another illustration of the comical campaign Trump has run. Trump’s presidential bid has been nothing but a bucket of Forrest Gump logic. Wait, just call him Forrest Trump, bruh! That’s how stupid this entire experience has been, son. I guess we can now use Mark Burns as another example of Trump’s profound ineptitude. Good day.