A Letter To Ari Shaffir

Dear Ari Shaffir,

So, instead of just flying off of the handle from the rip, I want to actually get a sense of what’s going on in your head. Like, I’ll never understand why some people think it’s cool to joke about death. With that being said, I’m honestly not here to talk to you about your feelings regarding Kobe Bryant. Instead, I genuinely want to know if you have a soul at all. The way I see it, no “joke” is worth coming off as a subhuman piece of sewer shit.

Ok, to be fair, you’ve been talking shit about Bryant for years. Frankly, ever since his rape charges were dropped, you’ve been VERY vocal about how you believe he got away with a crime. Now, even though you’re clearly not a fan of the man, I was still taken aback by the fuckery you spewed on Twitter and Instagram. Son, you were literally celebrating the fact that Bryant died. Apparently, his death is a “good story” and you shouted out the “hero who forgot to gas up his chopper.” Furthermore, for some reason, you thought it was appropriate to profess your hatred of the Los Angeles Lakers.

Now, keeping it a buck, I don’t even know where to begin, man. Look, as I said above, you can feel however you want to feel about Kobe Bryant. But, you fuck-face, eight other people died on that damn helicopter! Did you hate Gianna Bryant too? Did you also hate Christina Mauser? Did you hate Ara Zobayan, the Altobelli and Chester families as well? Is your hatred of one man so strong that you’re content with the demise of several teenagers and their parents? Good fucking Lord, you’re literally one of the worst fucking people I’ve ever witnessed in my life, bruh. All in all, if you think that Bryant’s death was karma, just wait until that shit comes back on you, dumbass. All I know is, I’d bet money that almost no one will cry for you.

In the end, good luck with those “jokes,” son. Ultimately, being an asshole has brought you greater visibility than any of your comedy routines, man. By and by, I hope you run into any of the family members from the people you’ve disrespected. All I can say is, sometimes street justice is the best form of justice, bruh. At the end of the day, I’m not telling you to care about Kobe Bryant. But, if other innocent lives don’t matter to you, then who’s the REAL evil person here? That is all.

Sincerely,

A dude who only knows that you exist because of Joe Rogan

Kevin Hart Is Having A Bad Month

So, let’s just skip the formalities and get straight to the shits, son. On the real, Kevin Hart is having a bad month, man. First, there’s the car crash. Now, regardless of speculation, here’s what’s being reported. Apparently, a dude named Jared Black was driving Hart’s 1970 Plymouth Barracuda and rolled into a ditch. The story is, Hart and Black were injured in the crash, but Rebecca Broxterman, the third passenger and Eniko Hart‘s personal trainer, was not hospitalized. Anyway, that would be enough to sit out the rest of September. However, Montia Sabbag had a different plan in mind, fam.

Ok, for those who are unfamiliar, Sabbag is the woman that Hart was smashing on candid camera two years ago. Now, at first, she blamed Jonathan Todd Jackson for the entire ordeal. For reference, Jackson is an actor and former friend of Hart’s who tried to swindle Hart for money to retrieve the recording. In any case, back then, Sabbag stated that Hart was a victim like her. All I know is, something must’ve changed in her mind, son.

Moving on, Sabbag, with the “help” of Lisa Bloom, has decided to sue Hart for $60 million. Now, according to Sabbag, Hart conspired with Jackson to record her in order to gain publicity for Hart’s Irresponsible Tour. All I can say is, that’s literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life, man. Like, is she serious, fam? Does she really believe that Kevin Hart, the most famous comedian in the world, needs a hotel sex tape to promote his tour? Real talk, the level of delusional is unprecedented, bruh.

Listen, let me be clear, son. In my eyes, Sabbag has every right to feel like her privacy was invaded. Frankly, no one deserves to have their intimate moments filmed without their consent. But, the idea that Hart needed extra publicity is nonsensical, man. As I stated before, he’s literally the most famous comedian on the planet. Shit, it doesn’t matter if people find him funny or not. The fact is, Kevin Hart is one of the most recognizable celebrities on Earth. There is literally NOTHING Sabbag could do or say to make him more famous than he already is. If anything, we looked at Hart like a cotdamn idiot for getting caught out there, again. At this point, Bloom needs to tell her client to sit the fuckity-fuck down, fam.

In the end, Montia Sabbag needs to knock it off, bruh. Ultimately, this lawsuit is nothing more than an obvious money-grab, son. By and by, people were going to see Kevin Hart’s tour with or without footage of his hotel sex-capades. At the end of the day, Sabbag’s 15 minutes are over, man. Just let it go, ma’am. Just let it go. That is all. LC out.