Thick Rihanna Is The GOAT!

Disclaimer: This post is an unabashed Rihanna love fest. Haters will be handled with swift and vengeful justice.

So, let me keep it a buck, son. I was in love with the Rihanna in the first picture. I was in love with the Rihanna in the second picture. I was also in love with the Rihanna in the third picture. However; the Rihanna in that fourth picture can’t be measured by Earthly science or mathematics, man. I mean, Thick Rihanna is the greatest all of time, fam. Hands down. Frankly, I don’t want to hear any debates, people. Let’s just all praise whatever food Ms. Fenty has been eating, bruh.

Now, for those who missed it, BarbadosCrop Over festival just went down. As a man who’s half Bajan and half Vincentian, this festival means a lot to my culture. With that being said, Rihanna, a born and bred Bajan, has always frequented the celebration. Meaning, she’s always been decked out in the finest of costumes. However; the way she looked this year made me make the Carmelo Anthony risk it all” face, son. Like, her newfound thickness is a sight for sore eyes, man. Shit, she almost made me forget that the American government is in shambles, fam.

To be fair, the internet has been talking about Rih Rih’s weight gain for a little while now. On the real, social media has debated whether she’s fine, fat or something in between. All I know is, fuck anybody who doesn’t appreciate what Robyn is blessing us with, son! Look, even Chris Brown rose up from the abyss to start liking pictures, man. Listen, the curves are just undeniable, folks. All in all, I can’t critique anything she’s doing, bruh.

In the end, there’s nothing else to be said, son. Let’s just all do a praise dance in honor of Thick Rihanna. Lastly, to the rest of my congregation, feel free to enjoy the pictures below. Thanks a lot, Baby JesusLC out.


A Letter To Chris Brown

Dear Chris Brown,

What the fuck is wrong with you, son? You mean to tell me, after all of this time, you haven’t learned anything? After Rihanna, prison and God knows how many public incidents, you really haven’t learned a fucking thing? Bruh, what is your issue with women, man? Why do you always have such high-levels of aggression toward the opposite sex? *Sigh* Ultimately, despite all of the chances you’ve been given, this latest situation with Karrueche Tran shows that you’re nothing but a lost cause.

Now, I don’t need to tell you what’s going on. I’m positive you’re already aware of the restraining order Karrueche filed against you. I’m just baffled by the fact that ANOTHER woman is accusing you of abuse after your VERY public history. I mean, we ALL know what you did to Rihanna. There’s no need to go over that again. However; how are you so dense that a different woman can accuse you of punching her and pushing her down the stairs? Karrueche even excused you of recently threatening to kill her. Apparently, you told these plans to a number of people. So, rehab, prison and a career hit wasn’t enough for you to get your shit together? Good fucking Lord, man, you are hopeless!

At this point, I don’t know how anyone can defend you anymore. Now, I’m sure your loyal fans will try to cape for you, but delusional people also cape for Donald Trump. Meaning, stupid is as stupid does, in the immortal words of Forrest Gump. In any case, when singers like Kay Cola claim that she’s personally heard your abuse before, it’s difficult to pass this story off as conjecture. In addition, since you’re the same man who proudly admits to stalking ex-girlfriends, I don’t understand why anyone is surprised by these allegations.

All in all, it’s time for you to vanish now. You don’t deserve sympathy, you don’t deserve fans and you don’t deserve a career. I’ll never be the one to deny your talent, but you’re a worthless human being, son. Any man who continuously inflicts violence on women doesn’t deserve any positivity in his life. Frankly, you’re a piece of shit, Chris Brown. Plain and simple. Please disappear. Now!

Sincerely,

A real man who doesn’t condone domestic violence

A Letter To Soulja Boy

Dear Soulja Boy,

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you, bro? Even though you’ve always been a clown, over the past year, you’ve ascended to Jedi-levels of Ronald McDonald. At this point, you’ve probably beefed with every artist who’s more relevant than you. From Lil Yachty to Migos to Chris Brown, you’ve taken it upon yourself to let your Fuckboy Flag fly. Ultimately, all I know is, it’s time for you to disappear forever. Forever-ever.

First, you decided to beef with Lil Yachty over an Instagram chick. The funny thing is, I’m not even sure which of you is more of a loser in this situation. India Love doesn’t claim either one of you fools and y’all are out here tweaking on social media. I’m sorry, but real men don’t post screenshots of private conversations they had with other people. If you’re talking to India and Yachty behind the scenes, then keep that shit behind the scenes, man. The general public doesn’t give a flying fuck about any of this, son. Keep the fuckery under wraps, bro.

Next, you randomly decided to drag Quavo and the rest of Migos into your world of nonsense. Honestly, I’m not even sure what this conflict was about, man. All I know is, you got on IG, again, and flashed a potentially fake AK-47 for all to see. So, are you trying to convince us that you’re a goon now? Are we, the people, supposed to be scared of the dude who made “Yahhh!“? Bruh, if you don’t sit your short bus ass down. Look, I don’t even think you can spell the word “gun,” let alone actually shoot someone with one. Get the fuck outta here, man!

Finally, you decided to enter into a new conflict with Chris Brown over Karrueche, of all people. You alleged that Chris called you over liking one of Karrueche’s pictures and then proceeded to offer Chris all types of fade. Now, while Chris is no stranger to fuck shit, I have a hard time believing this tall tale. Keeping it a buck, I think you have a vivid imagination and be dreaming all of your gripes. With that being said, let me make one thing clear: no one, and I mean NO ONE, is threatened by you, son. We all saw your recent jailhouse picture, bro. When shit got real, you tensed up reeeeeeal quick. Don’t pretend to be about that life if you’re gonna piss on yourself when shit goes down. That’s not keeping it G, my dude. Not in the least.

In the end, I need you to disappear, son. Your career has run its course, man. As it stands now, you’re nothing more than a character to make fun of. I mean, I’ve been laughing at Joe Budden‘s impersonation of you for the last few days now. This is how we all view you, man. On the real, just take whatever money you have left and banish yourself to the mountains. That’s truly what the people want, bro. And that’s truly what the people deserve.

Sincerely,

A dude who actually used to jam out to “Pretty Boy Swag

Chris Brown: Allergic To Prosperity

Throughout history, there have been many examples of individuals who appear to be allergic to doing the right thing. Whether we’re talking about DMX, Bobby Brown or old school Robert Downey Jr., some people just seem impervious to prospering in life. I think it’s beyond safe to say Chris Brown is one of those individuals. Regardless of how many chances this dude gets, he always seems to find himself in some stew of fuckery. At this point, after his latest run-in with the law, I’ll be very surprised if he doesn’t find himself back in prison. However; this time, it might not be for a small stretch, son.

Ok, look, anyone with an internet connection should be aware of what’s happening with Brown right now. Yesterday, ol’ buddy was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon after Baylee Curran, a former beauty queen, accused him of pulling a gun on her in his home. According to her story, she was “admiring” some of his jewelry when Brown lost his cotdamn mind and pointed a weapon at her. Side note, I put “admiring” in quotes because it appears Curran isn’t new to stealing things and running off on the plug. As it stands now, the NYPD is looking to speak with her regarding a theft at The Plaza Hotel back in 2013.

In any case, after calling 911, the police arrived on the scene and attempted to search Brown’s home. When he demanded that the officers retrieve a search warrant before entering his house, a standoff ensued with the police waiting outside. To make matters even worse, Brown, apparently, threw a duffle bag out of his window, which reportedly had several weapons and drugs inside. On the real, this entire episode sounds like some shit that would happen in an HBO drama, son. I swear, it’s impossible to make this dude’s life up, man. He always finds himself in some type of high-level tomfoolery.

With all of that being said, I literally can’t understand what’s wrong with this dude, man. Even if it comes out this woman was trying to steal a chain or something, why is his first reaction to pull a gun on her? Why is he always showing large amounts of aggression towards women? Why on earth would he be in this kind of predicament with his daughter in the house? Why haven’t any of his handlers stopped him from being HIM yet? Good Lord, man, this guy continues to spiral out of control and no progress is being made. Hell, the man has already gone to prison for being an idiot, so what’s it going to take for him to realize he’s a detriment to himself and everyone else around him? He can’t keep claiming that people are trying to assassinate his character when he doesn’t alter his lifestyle in the slightest. If I spent my days doing drugs, hanging with bum-ass dudes and consorting with questionable women, then yeah, I might be in trouble a lot too. That goes for any of us, bruh.

All I know is, it doesn’t look good for this guy, son. He’s already got a felony on his record, and if he’s convicted of this latest offense, he’ll have yet another one. If this dude isn’t careful, he might completely ruin what’s left of his career. I mean, he’s already destroyed his destiny of being the next Usher, bruh. All in all, he’ll be lucky if he’s able to sing at all after this. Good day.