Donald Trump Just Fired The Dude Investigating Him

Son, what the fuck is going on right now? Like, Donald Trump and company must really think we’re stupid, man. Then again, he was actually voted into office, so the American people are clearly stupid. In any case, there is no way, NO WAY that someone can convince me that James Comey’s firing was justified! I mean, this entire situation reeks of insidiousness and underhanded behavior, fam. Look, no Earthly creature can tell me that this decision wasn’t related to Comey’s investigation of the Trump administration. With that being said, we need to figure out this Russia connection before it’s too late.

Now, before I continue, let me be clear on one particular point: I don’t like James Comey. Listen, even though Hillary Clinton’s campaign made NUMEROUS errors, the fruitless FBI investigation into her emails ended up hurting her electability. Bruh, Comey reopened the investigation TWO WEEKS before people went to the polls! To make matters worse, the Feds weren’t even looking at her emails directly. They were probing through the emails of Huma Abedin, Clinton’s right-hand woman. In the end, what results did this investigation yield? NOT A FUCKING THING, MAN! So, ultimately, Comey royally screwed Clinton.

Moving on, this is exactly why the White House’s explanation for firing Comey doesn’t make sense. All in all, everything I just wrote in the last paragraph happened in the summer and fall of 2016. If Comey was such a liability, why didn’t they fire him as soon as Trump took office? As a matter of fact, as recently as January, Trump said that Comey would keep his job. There were literally no new developments in the Clinton saga, so how could that be the reason for relieving him of duty? Nah, son, they decided to fire Comey when he announced an inquiry into the links between Trump’s administration and Russia. The timeline is clear as day, son. So, miss me with the bullshit misdirection, man.

By and by, we’re witnessing something EXTREMELY dangerous right now. Look, it’s only been a couple of months and Trump has already set the precedent of firing people who question him. He fired Sally Yates for refusing to enforce the Muslim Ban. He fired Preet Bharara for investigating questionable decisions by members of Trump’s team. Now, he fired Comey. Fam, this isn’t a fucking television show! This man can’t just fire people for ratings. Ultimately, all of these actions could have scary consequences for our democracy. All I know is, a reality star has turned our country into a terrible reality show. LC out.

P.S. For anyone who doubts my logic here, just think about the fact that Jeff Sessions was the man who suggested removing Comey. Lest we forget, Sessions had to recuse himself from the Russia investigation because he was balls deep in the fuckery. So, tell me again how all of this isn’t related? Yeah, I thought so. That is all.

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A Dissertation About Hillary Clinton, Emails & D*ck Pics

I know, I know, I know, son. I know I said I wasn’t going to write about this election anymore. But dammit, ridiculous things just keep on happening, man. All jokes aside, I’ve never seen an election of any kind with this much fuckery embedded in it. Real talk, I wholeheartedly believe a high school senate race has more ethics than this bullshit. I mean, look at all of the nonsense this myriad of adults has engaged in, son. With that being said, here we go again with Hillary Clinton’s emails, man. Eight days before a dire presidential election and the FBI is looking into her situation again, thanks to none other than Anthony Weiner.

Now, hasn’t this dude caused enough trouble in his lifetime? Hasn’t Carlos Danger ruined enough people already, man? It’s bad enough he can’t stop sending pictures of his dick to women, but now his ridiculous habit could have an effect on the election. Apparently, during an FBI probe into his underage sexting scandal, the bureau found some emails that could pertain to their previous investigation of Clinton’s private email server. The problem is, there are more than 1,000 emails for the bureau to sift through, which cannot possibly be done before we all vote next week. So, this situation could potentially alter the outcome and we’re not even sure if they’re going to find anything. As it stands, it seems as if they didn’t find any emails from Clinton directly, but her name appears to be swirling all throughout the muck and the mire.

At this point, facts really don’t matter here (shout-out to Desus Nice and The Kid Mero). It doesn’t matter if FBI Director James Comey broke protocol by announcing these findings publicly. The content of these emails don’t matter either, man. The reality is, perception is everything, son. It’s no secret that Hillary Clinton has a high disapproval rating and there are numerous people who don’t think she’s trustworthy. This situation is yet ANOTHER incident which lends credence to people’s fears that she’s just some corrupt politician with no regard for rules. In the end, that’s all her detractors need to plead their case against her. Regardless of what Democratic pundits try to say, these things matter in the eyes of the people. Soooooo, next Tuesday’s election should be very interesting and not in a good way, son. Not in a good way at all.

All in all, I have nothing else to say, man. I just want this election to be over. I simply want to know whether or not I need to buy a plane ticket out of this country. With that being said, next Tuesday can’t come soon enough. Good day.

Don’t Let D*ck Pics Ruin Your Life

Look, I won’t lie to anyone who’s reading this. I just wanted to laugh today, son. With tension at an identifiable high in this country, I wanted to take a step back and simply joke about someone else’s misfortunes. With that being said, thank the Good Lord for Anthony Weiner, man. I swear, this dude is the gift that keeps on giving. Just when people think this guy can’t continue to be as stupid as he’s previously been, he ups the ante, son. Ultimately, if there’s any lesson in this man’s story, it’s to ensure that NO ONE ever let’s dick pics ruin their life.

No lie, it seems like Weiner gets caught in some batch of shenanigans every two years. Back in 2011, he got caught sending a dick pic to a 21-year-old college student. At first, he tried to deny purposely sending the pic, but when it was discovered this wasn’t his first time at the rodeo, he finally fessed up to his actions. Now, anybody with a brain would assume Weiner would learn his lesson, but nooooooooooo. Two years later, while running to be the mayor of New York City, Weiner was AGAIN busted for sending pictures of his manhood to a young woman. This time, for whatever reason, he thought he could hide his stupidity behind the name “Carlos Danger.” Is anyone out there reading this, man? This guy really posted filth of himself under the name “Carlos Danger.” If that’s not comedy, then I literally don’t know what funny is, son.

Needless to say, he lost his bid to be my city’s next mayor. Now, with everything that has transpired, there’s no way this clown could be caught doing some foolishness again. Right? Wrong, son! Deeeead fucking wrong! Good ol’ Carlos Danger is back in the news again after a new dick pic surfaced with his toddler son sleeping in bed next to him. Look, I don’t even think I can calculate the amount of ways this dude is ridiculous, man. Not only is he back in the headlines for the same tomfoolery that essentially cost him his political career, but now he’s dragged his child into this. To make matters worse, his wife, Huma Abedin, finally filed for divorce. I guess the third time’s the charm when it comes to being thoroughly humiliated by an idiot husband. I mean, despite her notable history as Hillary Clinton’s deputy chief of staff, she’s continually had to deal with her husband’s extremely public philandering.

Now, I’m about to present an idea that everyone might not agree with. From how it appears, Weiner has never actually had sex with any of the women he’s shared pixels with. My thing is, if I’m going to ruin my career AND my marriage, I’m damn sure getting some vajayjay out of this situation, bruh. There’s NO way I’m going to look someone in the face and say I bulldozed my entire life because I was able to get good lighting on my dick. How preposterous is that, man? This dude has nothing left and he didn’t even smash anything. Who consistently gets in trouble for cheating without even sealing the deal? The megapixels on my Apple iPhone ain’t worth destroying everything I’ve ever worked for, son.

All in all, there’s no way to feel sorry for this guy. He had every opportunity to not be a scumbag and he couldn’t keep it together. All I know is, it won’t be a good conversation with his son when he’s old enough to ask why he’s no longer married to his mother. Good luck, bro. Good luck.