Stop Telling Black People When To Protest!

Honestly, there’s really no need to mince words here, son. I truly, truly hate when people tell Black people when it’s appropriate to protest. For this particular post, I’ m not even talking about the individuals who think we don’t have a right to protest at all. Nah, this time around, I’m speaking to the condescending fools who believe they have the moral authority to tell us when/what we have the right to feel. In my eyes, these folks can take their opinions and shove it.

First, I’d like to thank Kate Upton for inspiring this post. While she isn’t the first idiot to express this sentiment, she’s the one I’m going to use to destroy this faulty logic. After Colin Kaepernick took his stand, excuse me his sit, excuse me his kneel, against police brutality and racial injustice, more athletes have started to follow suit. However; according to Upton, while we have the “right” to protest, for the “120 seconds” during the national anthem, we should basically shut up and respect the flag/military. Now, pardon me, but since when does a model, or anyone for that matter, decide when minorities should be upset about our treatment in this country? Even though I’ve already spoken about this in a previous post, I think we need to delve deeper into why bringing up the military is ridiculous when talking about our protest methods.

Now, before I continue, let me start my thesis with the national anthem itself. The Star-Spangled Banner was written by a man named Francis Scott Key. Now, if anyone does their Google’s, they’ll notice that Key was not only a slave owner, but an active anti-abolitionist. So, for the dummies out there, the man who wrote the song their telling us to respect actually enslaved our ancestors. HE ENSLAVED OUR ANCESTORS, MAN! Why on Earth should we respect a song that was written by someone who literally fought against our freedom? That’s bar none the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life, man. Basically, when he penned the words “land of the free and the home of the brave,” he DEFINITELY wasn’t talking about us, son. I think it’s truly amazing how everyone is told to “never forget” certain historical atrocities, but others that don’t fit a particular agenda or narrative are completely glossed over. Miss me with all of that bullshit, son. THIS is American history too, bitch! Own it!

Moving on, let’s talk about this “respect for the military” everyone loves to bring up. For just one second, can we stop pretending like the military is beyond reproach? Now, if anyone thinks I’m crossing the line with that statement, I’d suggest looking up the “mustard gas experiments” of World War II. That’s right, son, minorities were used as guinea pigs to determine the effects of mustard gas on intended targets. So, even in our service of this God-forsaken country, we’re treated like subhuman, second-class citizens. With that being said, don’t talk to me about what people have done for our freedom. In addition, if all of these naysayers care so much about the troops, why don’t they do more to help veterans suffering from physical disabilities, mental health issues and poverty? If singing the anthem is a detractor’s only show of support, they might as well sit down and shut the fuck of the highest shut the fucks up.

In the end, the fact of the matter is, people don’t want us to protest at all. When we march, we’re judged. When we speak, we’re judged. When we write, we’re judged. When we sit, we’re judged. There’s literally nothing we can do that’s acceptable in the eyes of our oppressors. But guess what, losers? We’re not going to stop demonstrating just because it makes certain people uncomfortable. For anyone who feels uneasy, good. This is only the beginning, man. There’s a movement happening here and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. Good day. No, GREAT day.

What Did Bobby Shmurda Do Exactly?

No lie, I’m confused, son. I saw the latest news regarding Bobby Shmurda’s case and I couldn’t help but scratch my head. I’m still not sure about what this dude is in jail for. Now, I’m reading he took a seven-year plea deal and my Rock eyebrow is in full effect. If I were a betting man, I’d put money down on the idea that Bobby and company are about to do a bid over their lyrics. If that’s the case, rappers need to pay CLOSE attention to what’s happening here, son. Shit just got real.

Now, for those who are unaware, Bobby and several of his GS9 associates have been in jail since the end of 2014. After having an amazing year due to the success of “Hot Nigga,” Bobby and his crew were arrested for conspiracy and gun possession charges. The possession charge stems from a gun that was found at a music video shoot. In addition, the conspiracy charges stem from police alleging that Bobby was the “driving force” behind numerous GS9 crimes. As an example, just earlier this year, Rashid Derissant, a noted friend of Shmurda’s, was sentenced to 98 years in prison for multiple shootings. All in all, the cops tried to pin the entire operation on Bobby’s neck. Judging from the plea deal, it looks like they succeeded, to an extent.

Here’s my thing: I have yet to see any evidence regarding Bobby’s direct, or indirect, involvement in criminal activity. From what I see, outside of some violent lyrics and noted associations with a few nefarious characters, police don’t seem to have any proof of wrongdoing. Hell, if the cops are going to put people in jail for knowing a couple of criminals, then I guess I belong behind bars too. Also, in terms of the gun possession charge, how is it that Bobby and his co-defendants all took the L for the same gun? If everyone is being held responsible, that means the cops have no idea who the gun actually belongs to, man. Nah, son, I ain’t sipping the Kool-Aid, bro.

Honestly, I think Bobby’s lawyers pushed him to make this deal. Even in the reports I read, several people overheard the lawyers trying to convince the crew to take the offer. In their eyes, seven years is a lot better than fifty. Now, this may be true, but what actual proof do the prosecutors have in the first place, man? This concession just smells of fear, bro. I think these dudes are just young and scared of the prospect of a lengthy sentence. For me, conspiracy is way too broad of a charge, son. Show me some receipts, man. My analytical side needs it.

Ultimately, while I may not have anything invested in this particular situation, I still find it odd. I didn’t know someone could be the “leader” of a gang based off of some song lyrics. If this is where we are now, more rappers need to realize the gravity of the situation. Watch what you say, bro. No one knows when those rhymes will be used as evidence in a court of law. It’s way too real out here, son. Good day.

Hey, Hillary, Just Blame Colin Powell

Honestly, I’m tired of talking about Hillary Clinton, son. I’m also tired of talking about Donald Trump and I’m tired of talking about this entire presidential election. Up until this point, this whole race has been nothing but high-grade, top shelf tomfoolery. Day after day, the shenanigans increase at alarming rates and it pains me to know one of these two people will most likely be our next president. With that being said, Hillary’s private email saga simply won’t die, man. Now entering the realm of stupidity is none other than Colin Powell. Apparently, he’s done the same foolishness Hillary’s now in trouble for. How splendid, son. How splendid indeed.

Now, here’s the thing I don’t understand about the Democrats strategy here: do they really believe dragging Powell into this is going to make Hillary look better? Look, son, if I kick a puppy in the face, I can’t bring up another person who kicked a puppy in the face as if that makes my action alright. The fact of the matter is Hillary was having inappropriate conversations on her private email server. Regardless of how all of her supporters try to spin this, just because Powell was talking to foreign leaders on his own private email server, that doesn’t justify Hillary’s email use.

Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, but for those who missed it, back in 2009, Powell informed Hillary of the virtues of using a private email server. Apparently, during his tenure as Secretary of State, Powell used this method to essentially circumvent the government servers. Now, as we all know, the GOP has been trying to crucify Hillary for her email-related behavior. With that being said, the Democrats have released old conversations between Powell and Hillary in an attempt to reshape the narrative. However; I’m not drinking the Kool-Aid, son. Showing evidence of someone else’s wrongdoing doesn’t make everything okay. As far as I’m concerned, we should dig up BOTH of these fools’ past emails. Let’s see just how far down the rabbit hole the shit goes, man. No one should be safe, bro.

Honestly, I have nothing else to say. I hate our presidential candidates, man. All of them. They all suck, son. On the real, everyone needs to just pencil me in on their November ballot. At this point, I’m positive I can do a better job than these clowns. Well, then again, my temper might result in World War 3. Nah, I’ll be cool. I promise. Good day.

Donald Glover Is My Hero

Disclaimer: There are spoilers all over this post, son. If anyone hasn’t watched Donald Glover’s Atlanta yet, be warned, I’m spilling all of the beans, bro. I’m just trying to give the people a heads-up, man. Now, let’s go.

Let’s just skip the formalities and get right to the proceedings, son. Donald Glover is my hero, man. I watched the first two episodes of his new show (Atlanta) last night, and I couldn’t be more hyped for what’s to come. For me, it’s refreshing to see a Black show on TV that doesn’t revolve around clichés, stereotypes and overall coonery. Side note, I’m well aware of the fact Black-ish also exists, so let me cook, man. In any case, as it stands now, the characters seem to have understated complexities that will surely evolve as the season progresses. With all of that being said, allow me to talk about some of my favorite scenes. Ready? Let’s get to it, son.

The first scene that jumps out at me is the one where Alfred (Paper Boi) gets into an altercation with a stranger over his car. While watching the events unfold with my fiancée, we found ourselves at odds in terms of how he should’ve handled the situation. On one hand, she thought he should’ve just left the situation alone. On the other hand, I COMPLETELY understood why he confronted that dude. He was just sitting in his car, minding his own damn business, and this random guy decides to kick off his side view mirror. Man, I would’ve been LIVID, son. Now, I wouldn’t advise anyone to shoot another person over this, but I’d absolutely give that clown a couple of kidney shots, for good measure.

Next, another scene that sticks out to me is one that occurs while Earn is in jail. Through no fault of his own, he’s sitting in the middle of a conversation between some other dude and a trans woman. During the dialogue, the man waxes poetically about the days he and the lady used to bump uglies, seemingly unaware of the fact she’s transgender. When the other men in the holding area call the guy out over this, he’s simultaneously overrun with anger and confusion, all while trying to establish the fact he isn’t gay. In a scene that probably lasted less than five minutes, the show was able to tackle a perception of the transgender community without being crass. It definitely takes a handful of bravery and gravitas to open up such a taboo dialogue in only the second episode.

Lastly, this next observation isn’t about a particular scene, but I have to say, the homie Darius is hilarious, man. Any man who can talk about lemon pepper wings, his balls been crushed and the meaning of life with the same level of deadpan is a genius, son. Honestly, whatever weed that dude is smoking, I want in, bro. He doesn’t seem to have a single care in the entire world. That’s truly the way to live, man.

In the end, there’s nothing else to say, bro. So far, this show is awesome. I’m definitely looking forward to the upcoming episodes. Viva la intelligent writing, man! I’m pretty sure that last sentence didn’t make much sense, but who cares, son. Fight me. Good day.

Pastor Mark Burns: The Real Joanne The Scammer

Listen, I can’t fully explain to everyone how much joy I get out of watching stupid people crash and burn. When an imbecile gets caught out there in a flowerbed of nonsense, I’m absolutely positive an angel receives its wings. With that being said, I’d like to personally thank Pastor Mark Burns for reaching the final level of sideshow clown. Now that his fraudulent history has been exposed for the world to see, hopefully this means the public won’t have to see his cartoonish face any longer.

Before I continue, if anyone out there is unfamiliar with Joanne The Scammer, do the world a favor and look her up. As always, Google is everybody’s best friend and will gladly display the hilarity that ensues when she’s on the screen. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy beating up an ex-lover’s new significant other and a good credit card scam? With that being said, thank you, Joanne, for showing us the ways of the Jedi when it comes to being messy and petty.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, it’s incredibly funny seeing Mark Burns embrace all of Joanne’s philosophies. Side note, with all of the tomfoolery he’s gotten himself into, I refuse to call Burns a pastor anymore. He doesn’t deserve that distinction, son. In any case, Burns’ claim to fame is making a fool of himself in support of Donald Trump. My first encounter with him came during the Republican National Convention. This dude took the stage and literally prayed for Jesus to defeat Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party. Since then, he’s been on a media tour, doing interviews and sharing racist cartoons of Hillary. However; just when I thought I’d have to break my television in order to escape the madness, Burns completely imploded on CNN.

During an interview with Victor Blackwell, all of Burns’ lies came to the forefront. By now, I already knew he got busted for lying about being a member of the Kappa Alpha Psi fraternity. Come to find out, that is the least of this man’s fairy tales. In addition to his other fibs, this guy lied about graduating from North Greenville University AND lied about serving six years in the Army Reserve. In actuality, he attended the aforementioned school for one semester and spent a brief amount of time in the National Guard. Look, this dummy can’t be serious, man! Did he not realize his colorful imagination would be exposed? That’s like me saying I have a hit record in Austria like that can’t be fact checked, man. I mean, if someone is going to fabricate their life, at least do it in a way that can’t be easily debunked, son. Now, Burns is looking like the idiot I always knew he was.

In the end, I can’t even say I’m surprised, man. This is just another illustration of the comical campaign Trump has run. Trump’s presidential bid has been nothing but a bucket of Forrest Gump logic. Wait, just call him Forrest Trump, bruh! That’s how stupid this entire experience has been, son. I guess we can now use Mark Burns as another example of Trump’s profound ineptitude. Good day.

Don’t Let D*ck Pics Ruin Your Life

Look, I won’t lie to anyone who’s reading this. I just wanted to laugh today, son. With tension at an identifiable high in this country, I wanted to take a step back and simply joke about someone else’s misfortunes. With that being said, thank the Good Lord for Anthony Weiner, man. I swear, this dude is the gift that keeps on giving. Just when people think this guy can’t continue to be as stupid as he’s previously been, he ups the ante, son. Ultimately, if there’s any lesson in this man’s story, it’s to ensure that NO ONE ever let’s dick pics ruin their life.

No lie, it seems like Weiner gets caught in some batch of shenanigans every two years. Back in 2011, he got caught sending a dick pic to a 21-year-old college student. At first, he tried to deny purposely sending the pic, but when it was discovered this wasn’t his first time at the rodeo, he finally fessed up to his actions. Now, anybody with a brain would assume Weiner would learn his lesson, but nooooooooooo. Two years later, while running to be the mayor of New York City, Weiner was AGAIN busted for sending pictures of his manhood to a young woman. This time, for whatever reason, he thought he could hide his stupidity behind the name “Carlos Danger.” Is anyone out there reading this, man? This guy really posted filth of himself under the name “Carlos Danger.” If that’s not comedy, then I literally don’t know what funny is, son.

Needless to say, he lost his bid to be my city’s next mayor. Now, with everything that has transpired, there’s no way this clown could be caught doing some foolishness again. Right? Wrong, son! Deeeead fucking wrong! Good ol’ Carlos Danger is back in the news again after a new dick pic surfaced with his toddler son sleeping in bed next to him. Look, I don’t even think I can calculate the amount of ways this dude is ridiculous, man. Not only is he back in the headlines for the same tomfoolery that essentially cost him his political career, but now he’s dragged his child into this. To make matters worse, his wife, Huma Abedin, finally filed for divorce. I guess the third time’s the charm when it comes to being thoroughly humiliated by an idiot husband. I mean, despite her notable history as Hillary Clinton’s deputy chief of staff, she’s continually had to deal with her husband’s extremely public philandering.

Now, I’m about to present an idea that everyone might not agree with. From how it appears, Weiner has never actually had sex with any of the women he’s shared pixels with. My thing is, if I’m going to ruin my career AND my marriage, I’m damn sure getting some vajayjay out of this situation, bruh. There’s NO way I’m going to look someone in the face and say I bulldozed my entire life because I was able to get good lighting on my dick. How preposterous is that, man? This dude has nothing left and he didn’t even smash anything. Who consistently gets in trouble for cheating without even sealing the deal? The megapixels on my Apple iPhone ain’t worth destroying everything I’ve ever worked for, son.

All in all, there’s no way to feel sorry for this guy. He had every opportunity to not be a scumbag and he couldn’t keep it together. All I know is, it won’t be a good conversation with his son when he’s old enough to ask why he’s no longer married to his mother. Good luck, bro. Good luck.

Chris Brown: Allergic To Prosperity

Throughout history, there have been many examples of individuals who appear to be allergic to doing the right thing. Whether we’re talking about DMX, Bobby Brown or old school Robert Downey Jr., some people just seem impervious to prospering in life. I think it’s beyond safe to say Chris Brown is one of those individuals. Regardless of how many chances this dude gets, he always seems to find himself in some stew of fuckery. At this point, after his latest run-in with the law, I’ll be very surprised if he doesn’t find himself back in prison. However; this time, it might not be for a small stretch, son.

Ok, look, anyone with an internet connection should be aware of what’s happening with Brown right now. Yesterday, ol’ buddy was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon after Baylee Curran, a former beauty queen, accused him of pulling a gun on her in his home. According to her story, she was “admiring” some of his jewelry when Brown lost his cotdamn mind and pointed a weapon at her. Side note, I put “admiring” in quotes because it appears Curran isn’t new to stealing things and running off on the plug. As it stands now, the NYPD is looking to speak with her regarding a theft at The Plaza Hotel back in 2013.

In any case, after calling 911, the police arrived on the scene and attempted to search Brown’s home. When he demanded that the officers retrieve a search warrant before entering his house, a standoff ensued with the police waiting outside. To make matters even worse, Brown, apparently, threw a duffle bag out of his window, which reportedly had several weapons and drugs inside. On the real, this entire episode sounds like some shit that would happen in an HBO drama, son. I swear, it’s impossible to make this dude’s life up, man. He always finds himself in some type of high-level tomfoolery.

With all of that being said, I literally can’t understand what’s wrong with this dude, man. Even if it comes out this woman was trying to steal a chain or something, why is his first reaction to pull a gun on her? Why is he always showing large amounts of aggression towards women? Why on earth would he be in this kind of predicament with his daughter in the house? Why haven’t any of his handlers stopped him from being HIM yet? Good Lord, man, this guy continues to spiral out of control and no progress is being made. Hell, the man has already gone to prison for being an idiot, so what’s it going to take for him to realize he’s a detriment to himself and everyone else around him? He can’t keep claiming that people are trying to assassinate his character when he doesn’t alter his lifestyle in the slightest. If I spent my days doing drugs, hanging with bum-ass dudes and consorting with questionable women, then yeah, I might be in trouble a lot too. That goes for any of us, bruh.

All I know is, it doesn’t look good for this guy, son. He’s already got a felony on his record, and if he’s convicted of this latest offense, he’ll have yet another one. If this dude isn’t careful, he might completely ruin what’s left of his career. I mean, he’s already destroyed his destiny of being the next Usher, bruh. All in all, he’ll be lucky if he’s able to sing at all after this. Good day.