Damn, Darkness: RIP Charlie Murphy

Damn, son. *Sigh* All I can do is shake my head, man. On the real, Rest In Peace to Charlie Murphy. Cancer has taken yet another victim, bruh. Now, contrary to what some news outlets might say, Charlie was way more than Eddie Murphy‘s older brother. In fact, he was a master storyteller, a quick-witted verbal flame thrower and a dude who was hilariously menacing. All in all, we lost a great talent and his legacy should be celebrated.

Now, maybe I’m dating myself, but my first real memory of Murphy was in the movie CB4. Yeah, I know he was in a few films before that, including a couple of Spike Lee joints, but I vividly remember him as Gusto. Look, I got endless joy out of watching him terrorize Albert (Chris Rock). His aggression was always funny and it made every scene entertaining to watch.

Moving on, as time progressed, he found himself on every visual medium imaginable. However; no one will ever forget his role on Chappelle’s Show. Listen, everything he did with Dave Chappelle on that show was gold, son. EVERYTHING, man! Whether we’re talking about “Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories” or “The Mad Real World” or the “Player Hater’s Ball,” Murphy created nothing but classic material, fam.

Ok, keeping it a buck, Chappelle may be the greatest comedian of all time. With that being said, the most memorable material from his show might actually be Murphy’s stories about Rick James and Prince. Think about that for a second, man. That’s how great Murphy was. Even legends like Chappelle and his brother Eddie knew how phenomenal Charlie was. As Eddie always said, Charlie was “his best impression.”

In the end, Murphy deserves his respect. He put in the time and the effort to be considered an icon. Now, let’s celebrate his memory by slapping a “habitual line-stepper” and then eating a plate of pancakes. RIP Charlie Murphy!

P.S. Prayers up to Murphy’s children. Due to his untimely demise from leukemia, his kids are now technically orphans. Unfortunately, Murphy’s wife, Tisha Taylor, died from cervical cancer in 2009. I swear, cancer might be the worst thing to ever plague humanity, man. That is all.

Get Pepsi & Kendall Jenner The F*ck Outta Here!

*Sigh* Damn, son. Why did it have to be Pepsi, man? I mean, I’m one of the people who can actually tell the difference between Pepsi and Coca-Cola. With that being said, Pepsi is without question the superior product, bruh. However; that tidbit can’t save them from getting this work, fam. Look, all I want to know is, what the fuckity-fuck were Pepsi and Kendall Jenner thinking? Now, I’ve seen some strange things in my life, but I’m pretty sure an ice-cold soda won’t stop this country from doing fuck shit.

So, I don’t even know where to begin with the tomfoolery, son. Shit, I could start with Skip Marley for donating his “Lions” song to this ridiculous ass commercial. I could talk about the randomness of the Asian man playing the cello or the hijab-wearing Muslim woman freaking out over her pictures. I could talk about the “joy” on people’s faces while they “protest” injustice. Look, I could rip this commercial apart from so many different angles, but I have to aim my crosshairs at the soda itself.

Now, maybe I’m dumb, but can someone please explain to me how a Pepsi can save the world? Listen, before I continue, I’m pretty sure this company doesn’t literally think handing out soda will solve all of our issues. However; I do think it perpetuates a dangerous ideology. Ultimately, being nice to the establishment won’t stop them from fucking us over.

To be clear, sucking up to authority won’t stop police from killing unarmed Black people. Sucking up to authority won’t stop our government from violating the rights of Muslims, women, minorities, poor people and the LGBTQ community. Keeping it a buck, real protest isn’t convenient and it damn sure isn’t jovial, fam. People are really out here fighting for basic human rights and Pepsi just turned it all into a fucking joke, son. All I know is, everyone involved with this nonsense should be fired immediately, man.

In the end, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’m just… I’m just tired of the day-to-day stupidity, bruh. It’s just so fucking tiring and irritating, son. I quit. I… I fucking quit. LC out.

Let It Go, Aunt Viv

Look, I’ll just get straight to the point, son. Janet Hubert aka Vivian Banks aka Aunt Viv needs to let it go, man. Whatever beef she has/had with Will Smith and the cast of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air needs to die, bruh. I mean, the show has been off of the air since 1996. In addition, she left the show in 1993. That’s like an eternity, man. Put it this way: if a child was born the same year this show ended, then they’d be able to legally drink now. Good fucking Lord, that’s a long time, son! With that being said, please, Hubert, give all of this petty shit a rest, ma’am. It’s over. It’s all over.

Now, for those who missed it, the cast of The Fresh Prince recently reunited for a charity event. So, in addition to Smith, Alfonso Ribiero, Tatyana Ali, Karyn Parsons, Joseph Marcell and Daphne Maxwell Reid all got together to support Parsons’ charity. Needless to say, they all took some pictures together and everyone was happy. Well, everyone expect Hubert. In actuality, after getting wind of the reunion, she went on a tirade, calling Ribiero a “media hoe” and an “ass wipe for Will,” amongst other things.

To be clear, this isn’t the first time she’s aimed her barrels at her former cast members. On the real, she has a long, long, looooong history of going at their necks, especially Smith. Ever since she was replaced by Reid as Aunt Viv, there’s been conflicting stories about what really happened between Hubert and Smith. In any case, neither one of them fuck with each other, son. So, it makes perfect sense that Hubert wasn’t invited to the getdown. Keeping it a buck, there’s been bad blood all around for like 25 years, man. All I know is, the shit needs to die, bruh. None of that shit even remotely matters anymore. It just is what it is, son. All we need to do is let these reruns cook, B.

In the end, regardless of the fuckity-fuck shit, The Fresh Prince is still the jam. All in all, Hubert can take some solace in knowing that she was the best Aunt Viv. Her legacy is solidified, man. Now, she just needs to stop being so damn petty. LC out.

Ted Koppel Is A G… Ask Sean Hannity

Man, I rock with Ted Koppel. Nah, for real, for real, I rock with Ted Koppel, son. After watching his interview with Sean Hannity on CBS Sunday Morning, I was excited to see an actual journalist deconstruct today’s media. As it currently stands, opinions have replaced facts in our news and it’s exceedingly dangerous, man. With that being said, I applaud Koppel for calling out Hannity to his face. However; Hannity and Fox News aren’t the only ones to criticize. In my eyes, MSNBCCNN and countless other “news” networks all share some of the blame. Ultimately, all opinion shows disguised as news are bad for America.

Now, I won’t lie, son, when it comes to this subject, I argue a lot with my wife and my mother. To me, I see no difference between Fox News and MSNBC. Yes, the ideology is drastically different between the two channels, but they both engage in the same brand of propaganda. All jokes aside, Bill O’Reilly and Chris Matthews are the same person, man. They both have definitive beliefs and they both refuse to listen to any guest with a conflicting point of view. Instead of acknowledging someone else’s sentiment, they’d rather just cut them off or speak over them. On the real, I challenge anyone to watch both of their shows back-to-back. Once their respective dogma is removed, it becomes apparent that their approach to “news” is strikingly similar.

Look, didn’t I just scold Rachel Maddow on this very site for engaging in the tomfoolery? I mean, she took two pages of Donald Trump‘s 2005 tax return and spun an entire story out of nothing. Outside of quoting how much money he made and how much he paid in taxes, Maddow had no other spec of news to report. She just launched a series of hypotheticals that were designed to create an unproven narrative in the audience’s mind. *Sigh* I just want the damn news, son! Can I get that without someone trying to shape how I’m supposed to interpret it?

Moving on, I just want to make one thing clear. Is my blog based on my own personal point of view? Absolutely. With that being said, I’m not a journalist, man. I’m just a dude with an opinion and immaculate WiFi, son. I’m simply out here reacting to the world as it happens. We, the people, need the media to tell us the unbiased truth. That’s the only way we can truly make sense of everything. All I know is, I’m a firm believer that opinion-based media is largely responsible for the division in our country. The public can’t come together when information is always being spun and misrepresented.

In the end, Ted Koppel is a G, man. He’s one of the few who’s able to call a spade a spade. Now, if more journalists took this stance on the news, then maybe we’d actually have a shot of figuring out what’s really going on out here. But, then again, in the words of Desus Nice, by Bronx bredren, facts don’t matter. LC out.

P.S. This is very random, but shout-out to Ghostface Killah, son. Look, the entire time I was writing this post, I kept hearing the line “hit mics like Ted Koppel” in my head. With that being said, everyone should go listen to “Mighty Healthy” after reading this. That is all.

Go Watch ‘The New Edition Story’!

All jokes aside, I can’t believe BET pulled this off, son. I mean, let’s be real, man. BET has been a joke for quite some time now. They have specialized in damn near every type of coonery imaginable. However; it looks like they’re trying to get back in Black people’s good graces by releasing good content. With that being said, this New Edition miniseries is awesome, son! Like, this project was really well made, man. So far, after being locked in for the first two nights of the three-night event, I must say, from the storyline to the casting, BET got The New Edition Story right. Ultimately, this series is a dope history lesson about a group of supremely crazy ass dudes who made timeless records. People need to get onboard ASAP, bruh.

First, let’s talk about the casting, son. Whoever assembled the guys to portray New Edition is a cotdamn genius, man. To begin, I don’t care what anyone says, the kid who plays the child version of Bobby Brown MUST be related to Bobby. Shit, Bobby has a gillion kids, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that was actually his real son. Moving on, casting Hakeem Lyon, excuse me, Yazz the Greatest, excuse me, Bryshere Y. Gray as Michael Bivins is fucking brilliant, man. Their vocal inflections match perfectly. Seriously, if I’m not paying close enough attention, I really do believe Bivins is the one speaking. Lastly, Luke James is one of the few people with the vocal prowess to tackle Johnny Gill’s notes. Since these guys are actually singing the songs, they definitely needed a talented singer to handle all of Johnny’s Luther Vandross-esque vocal stylings.

Next, Bobby Brown is just good for television, son. Without a doubt, Bobby is one of the craziest dudes to ever become famous. Despite all of his talent, he couldn’t help himself when it comes to being a train wreck. He was already everyone’s crazy uncle by the time he was a teenager, bruh. He just always found himself in some bullshit, man. Keeping it a buck, I really do wonder how big Bobby could’ve been if he just remotely kept his act together. People act like he wasn’t the biggest R&B star on the planet when he was at his peak. People act like “On Our Own” isn’t a perfect fucking song. People act like Usher didn’t take a grip of his dance moves from Bobby. *Sigh* Even with the success he had, Bobby Brown still could’ve been a way bigger star. I guess we’ll never know, son.

Lastly, I think the film is doing a great job of displaying the group’s mentality. Sometimes, it’s hard to remember that a lot of this stuff happened before any of them turned 25. Hell, most of this shit happened when they were still teens. Of COURSE they were making terrible decisions, man! How smart were any of us when we were 17? Does any know why the name of this blog is “I Can’t Be Famous?” It’s because I know damn well I’d act a complete fool if I had any kind of notoriety. Lord knows what I would’ve done if I was in their position at 17 or 18. Honestly, I can’t even fault them for the bad contracts. I mean, grown ass people are STILL signing awful deals today. Ultimately, a lawyer is everyone’s best friend.

In the end, go watch this series, son. Plain and simple. Part three comes on tonight and I’m sure BET is replaying the first two parts before that. While I’m still shocked I’m promoting anything related to BET, I do give credit where credit is due. They did great work here, man. Now, let me get back to playing “You’re Not My Kind of Girl” at ignorant levels. Good day.

Let’s All Laugh At Stacey Dash

Awwww, poor Lil Tink Tink! It’s a sad, sad day when someone COMPLETELY sells out for a paycheck and STILL loses their job. With that being said, I cannot stop chuckling at the fool we call Stacey Dash. Despite all of her coonery, buffoonery and tomfoolery on Fox News, this turd still got fired from her role on the network. I guess after Donald Trump‘s victory, they no longer need their resident Uncle Ruckus.

Now, before I continue making fun of Dash, let’s go through why it’s appropriate to roast her. As anyone can see from looking at a picture of her, Stacey Dash is CLEARLY a Black woman. However; for God knows what reason, she’s made it her life’s mission to speak AGAINST issues that impact women and the Black community. On the real, it’s fucking mind-boggling, son. She literally spent her tenure at Fox News speaking against any idea of racial or gender equality. With that being said, it’s no surprise that Fox made her the token Black poster child for their Birth of a Nation-like agenda.

Look, when I say she spoke against equality, I’m not being facetious. This is the same woman who argued that we need to get rid of the NAACP, Black History Month and BET. According to her, it’s a double standard for Black people to represent themselves, and it’s akin to segregation. In saying this, she completely ignored the fact that these brands were created because we weren’t being properly depicted by the White mainstream in the first place.

Honestly, the part that makes these comments even stupider is the fact that BET was the last company to give her consistent acting work. I guess she forgot about a little show called Single Ladies, son. Then again, I don’t blame her, man. I actually forgot about that show too. Nowadays, outside of a random role here or there, this chick can’t even get a steady gig anymore. Smart move, idiot.

Moving on, Dash has also proved she’s no ally of feminism either. Now, keep in mind this is a working woman. What kind of working woman would argue AGAINST equal pay? Like, huh? What? Does she enjoy making less than men for the same work? I don’t fucking get it, son. Back in 2015, during a discussion on The Meredith Vieira Show, she actually said that the fight for equal pay was an excuse. An excuse for what? Women wanting to be compensated appropriately. How can she speak so freely against her own interests? That’s like a dude with a rotting tooth arguing against the benefits of a root canal. I refuse to believe anyone can be that stupid, son. Then again, 62 million people voted for Trump. So, what do I know?

In the end, I take immense joy in knowing that Stacey Dash no longer has a job. She shucked and jived for all of the bigots on Fox News and has nothing to show for it. At this point, maybe she can get a job cleaning toilets for BET. They’re both full of shit anyway. Good day.

P.S. This ain’t got nothing to do with nothing, but sheesh, she was so bad back in the day, son. It’s a damn shame that the Black Don’t Crack gods took their magic away when she started being a dumbass. I guess I’ll just have to relish the good ol’ days, man. LC out.

C-SPAN: Broadcasting Live From Russia

Bruh, honestly, we, the American people, must be living in the Twilight Zone. Day after day, new situations arise that make me question my sanity, man. Look, all I really want to know is, why is Russia in all of our shit, son? It’s bad enough they purposely hacked us to influence our presidential election, but now they’re fucking with our television networks? Why is Russia becoming so emboldened with the fuck shit and why is America doing nothing about it? On the real, we need to put these clowns back in their place before we find the KGB ordering breakfast at Starbucks.

Now, for those who are unaware, last night, during an online feed of the House of Representatives on C-SPAN, the programming was interrupted by the Kremlin-backed RT channel. Keep in mind, this channel is one of the entities suspected of working with WikiLeaks to disseminate hacked information. Even though C-SPAN stated they’re still investigating the issue, they were quick to say “we don’t believe that we were hacked.” Well, if they’re still trying to find the root cause of the interruption, how do they know whether or not they were hacked? Why are folks always so quick to dismiss Russian meddling? Honestly, I’m beginning to think people want Russian influence on our government. That’s the only reason I can think of as to why certain people just continually shrug these actions off.

In my eyes, if this isn’t Russian hacking, then it’s a HELL of a coincidence, son. After all of the nonsense they pulled during our election, I’m extremely doubtful this is just some random occurrence. With all of the intelligence reports circulating around about Russian tomfoolery, do people really expect me to believe they just happened to broadcast over a faction of our Congress? Man, get the flying fuckity-hot-fuck outta here, son! Anyone who believes that is dumber than Forrest Gump trying to ride a hoverboard.

In the end, my head hurts, man. America is becoming a clown show and all of these countries see it. That’s exactly why Russia feels like they can do whatever they want. We’re about to have an administration that’s too stupid to see they’re getting played. At this rate, my wife may just convince me to go back to the Caribbean after all. LC out.