What The F*ck Was Ryan Lochte Doing?!

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Let’s just skip the pleasantries here and get right to proceedings, son: Ryan LochteJimmy FeigenJack Conger and Gunnar Bentz are absolute imbeciles. Honestly, bro, what part of the game is lying about a robbery? On the real, why would these clowns even think that was acceptable behavior, man? While this post won’t be that long today, I can’t let this moment pass by without taking all of these mark ass tricks to task.

This past Sunday, Lochte and the other American swimmers claimed they were robbed at gunpoint. According to Lochte’s original story, their taxi cab was pulled over by gun-toting thieves and one of the perpetrators pointed a gun at Lochte’s forehead. Now, here’s where things start to unravel. At first, there were four perps and then it whittled down to one. Then, the gun went from being pointed at Lochte’s forehead to being aimed at his general direction. With this original account already sounding fishy, a surveillance video came out which put this entire ordeal in its proper perspective. These cowards weren’t robbed at all. In actuality, these drunk ass fools desecrated a bathroom, pissed on the walls and then got into an altercation with the security guards who approached them.

After rehashing that entire saga, I have so many questions, man. First, did they not realize there were cameras filming their fuckery? I mean, I know they were drunk, but come on, man. Seriously, most of the gas stations I know have some type of recording equipment to document this exact type of tomfoolery. Next, why didn’t these trick ass marks get their stories straight before they started lying to everyone? If the goal was to pull the wool over the people’s eyes, at least have the decency to be consistent with one another. Lastly, why would they accuse these innocent Brazilian people of such an act? The fucked up part is, I’m positive they knew everyone would readily believe their tale, especially due to false assumptions about countries like Brazil. Sadly, they were right because everyone sipped the Kool-Aid at first. Sure, why not just blame this vicious act on the native Brown people in order to hide juvenile behavior? I’m sure that sounded like a fantastic idea to them.

At this point, there’s nothing else to say, son. These dudes are losers, and frankly, they should have their medals taken away from them. While social media trolls rather aim their crosshairs at Gabby Douglas, their preferred athletes are really out here disgracing our country. In the end, I shouldn’t be surprised, though. Lochte must be used to losing at this point. Just go ask Michael Phelps. Good day.

Can I Live In Cam Newton’s America?


Let me start this post by saying, I’m not sure what America our good friend Cam Newton resides in, but shiiiiiiit, I’d love to live there. A country that’s beyond racism? That sounds phenomenal, son. Where can I sign up for a trip to this magical place? Oh, wait, he’s talking about this actual land we’re currently living in? Well, in that case, I’m thoroughly confused as all hell, man.

Now, recently, Cam did an interview with GQ Magazine. While speaking about a variety of different topics, the subject of race came up and that’s what caused my Rock eyebrow to raise. It’s no secret Cam has received his fair share of bad press, especially after the way his season ended post-Super Bowl. Even during the lead-up to the big game, Cam had to consistently field questions about being a Black quarterback in the NFL. With all of the varying attacks on his ability, temperament or whatever else critics tried to single out, for some reason, Cam doesn’t believe these shots were racially motivated at all. In fact, he stated that we’re “beyond that” as a nation. Wow, that’s news to me, son. Well, since his memory seems to be a little fuzzy, allow me to point out a few past situations and see whether his logic holds up.

Let’s start with the letter written to him by Rosemary Plorin. After a game where Newton’s Carolina Panthers trounced the Tennessee Titans, Plorin expressed her disappointment in Cam’s behavior during the game. In her eyes, he’s a role model who should never engage in any type of “showboating” behavior. In fact, she was so bothered by his actions, she expressed the idea she didn’t even know what to tell her 9-year-old daughter. Man, get the fuck out of here. This woman took her daughter to a game where grown men violently crash themselves into each other and she’s worried about the fact Cam likes to dab? Are you fucking kidding me, son? Last time I checked, Aaron Rodgers does that damn “Discount Double Check” every time he completes a first down and I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve seen footage of Rob Gronkowski acting a fool somewhere. Are these players also getting open letters written to them? If not, tell that woman to get off of her high horse and enjoy the game.

Now, let’s talk about Bill Romanowski. After the Panthers’ Super Bowl loss, detractors called out Cam for not being very forthcoming in his post-game interview. It was obvious from his attitude he didn’t want to answer any questions and his demeanor was the complete opposite of the celebratory character we saw all season. Now, I’ll be the first to admit, even I thought he was acting like a sore loser, but Romanowski took it a step further. In a tweet against Cam, he stated “you will never last in the NFL with that attitude. The world doesn’t revolve around you, boy!” Boy? Boy?! Maybe it’s just me, but I was pretty sure Cam was a 27-year-old grown ass man. No one can tell me there wasn’t even a tinge of racial prejudice behind that statement. Do I have to remind people about the history of White people calling Black people “boy” in this country? Honestly, I’d rather not, son. And besides, Google is everyone’s friend. Just go look it up.

At this point, I’m sure there are readers out there who aren’t sipping the Kool-Aid I’m serving right now. Honestly, that’s fine with me. We’ll just agree to disagree. With that being said, a Black public figure of his magnitude insisting we’re beyond race as a nation is still incredibly damaging. Were we beyond race when the Justice Department released a report stating the Baltimore police department regularly violated the rights of minorities? Were we beyond race when Dylann Roof shot night Black churchgoers in an attempt to start a race war? Were we beyond race when officers pulled Philando Castile over because he had a “wide set nose?” I didn’t think so, son. At this point, if Cam has nothing constructive to say on the subject, he needs to just shut the fuck up.

Ultimately, I guess Cam is doing his best O.J. Simpson impression. However; I’d warn him to be careful with that approach to life. We already saw how the O.J. story drastically veered off course. Good day.

A Letter To Gabby Douglas


Dear Gabby Douglas,

While you may not know me, I wanted to take this time to write to you directly. During this crucial time in your life, I’m positive you have loved ones who are reassuring you that everything will be alright. With that being said, my words may not matter much at all. In any case, I still feel compelled to reach out to you. Despite all of the mean-spirited attacks being levied your way, I simply want to deliver one message to you: fuck the haters.

As sad as it is, we live in a society where people love being outraged and love tearing others down. Losers feed off of the emotions of the individuals around them, as if causing another human being pain adds value to their lives. This concept is one of the main problems with social media. Cowards who wouldn’t have the balls to utter such ugliness to their intended target in person just hide behind their computer screens and smartphones. They’d much rather feel powerful in the comments section of a website while wondering why they have no friends.

For me, the worst part about this entire situation is the fact you’ve been getting knocked down by people who look like you, in addition to all of the others. It’s absolutely disgusting that Black people can see you compete on the highest level of your sport and only think to comment on your hair. The self-hate is so visible when some misguided fools can criticize the way your hair grows NATURALLY out of your head. Do they believe their hair behaves any differently? Malcolm X asked the following question decades ago: who taught you to hate yourself? That’s a question your Black detractors need to ask themselves at this particular moment.

It’s also incredibly disheartening to see so many White people question your patriotism. Whether they’re attacking you for not putting your hand on your heart during the national anthem or not “cheering” for your teammates enough, the lack of empathy is ridiculous. Have they never been disappointed before? I know the results of a couple of Olympic events didn’t go the way you planned them, so I completely understand being upset by the outcome. When you want something so bad and don’t achieve it, the pain is very real and hard to hide. Do NOT feel bad for being human. You have every right to be emotional during these times, naysayers be damned. I wonder how any of your critics would feel if they were in a similar position. Would they feel chipper if they saw the intended finish line and didn’t cross it in the way they envisioned? It’s incredibly easy to be critical of someone else when that individual has nothing at stake.

In the end, all I can say is, you’ve represented this country to the best of your ability. If anyone out there can’t accept that, they didn’t deserve to have you on their side in the first place. Also, while you may be too proper to say things as plainly as you should, I do not have that problem. Soooooo, fuck any and everybody who has something malicious to say about you. I guarantee they haven’t done shit with their lives anyway. In any case, keep your head up and keep pushing, Gabby.

Sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood LC

Michael Phelps & Some Black Chick

“Have you ever had something happen that was so racist that you didn’t even get mad? It’s like, ‘Goddamn, that was racist.’ I mean it was so blatant, you were just like ‘Wow!'” For those who are unaware, that stream of consciousness was uttered by the immortal Dave Chappelle. See, Dave perfectly encapsulated how a lot of Black people feel on a daily basis with that statement. Various things happen in our society and all we can do is make the Kermit the Frog face. Well, that’s exactly how I felt after I saw what The Mercury News did to Simone Manuel. It was racial bias at its finest, son. Sit back and enjoy.

Now, in case anyone missed it, Simone Manuel is fucking awesome. This 20-year-old young lady from Texas made history at the Rio Olympics. This past Thursday, after her performance in the 100-m freestyle, Manuel became the first African-American woman to win an individual swimming event at an Olympic Games. Wait, let me say that again. Manuel became the FIRST African-American woman to win an individual swimming event at an Olympic Games. So, how does The Mercury News honor this woman for her historic achievement? Solely add her as the racial component of a headline about Michael Phelps. Exhibit A: the photo embedded in this post.

Look, I’m not one to hate on Michael Phelps, man. Any dude who can win more Gold medals than most of the countries on this planet is a dude who deserves to be revered and respected. However; come the fuck on, man. This woman literally accomplished something no one else has ever done and she’s referred to as nothing more than an “African-American?” This is literally White patriarchy at its most potent. The White dude gets the distinction and the top billing while the Black woman isn’t even called by her name. In cases like this, I don’t even give a fuck about an apology, man. Yeah, someone can acknowledge they did something wrong, but that doesn’t change the fact they thought it was an appropriate action in the first place. THAT’S the real issue here. If people didn’t call them out on their bullshit, does anyone think The Mercury News would have apologized for their gaffe? I certainly don’t, son.

In the end, I’d like to thank America for being America. Even during the times when Black people are representing this God-forsaken land, the country always finds a way to remind minorities we’re not viewed in the same light as everyone else. Shit, don’t even get me started on the stupid outrage surrounding Gabby Douglas, son. She’s literally out there sacrificing her body for this country and all people want to talk about is why she didn’t put her hand over her heart during the national anthem. Get the flying fuck out of here, man! From my point of view, anyone who supports Donald Trump especially needs to shut the figgidy-fuck up. Why? Just take a look at this picture, man. Exactly, son. Good day.

Guess Who’s Back…


First off, I want to thank everyone who reached out to me and convinced me to start blogging again. From Facebook to Instagram to the random compatriots in my phone, I’ve received a large number of kind words and swift kicks to the ass to get the proceedings proceeding again. Knowing there’s still an audience interested in what I have to stay has definitely energized me. I know I have been an absentee wordsmith, but I promise to try to stay the course this time. I have a boatload of new ramblings to ramble and I can’t wait to jump back into the fuckery.

With that being said, stay tuned, folks. I plan on starting my comeback tour this upcoming Monday, July 18th. Also, be warned, this upcoming week is about to be a whole HEAP of Blackity-Black, super Black shit. Get yourselves ready. The Internet Thuggery is back. Good day.