‘All Eyez On Me’ Was Trash

Disclaimer: Spoilers, spoilers and more spoilers. Listen, don’t say I didn’t warn you, man.

Look, I’m not going to lie, son. I actually feel bad that I’m about to ether a Black movie. I mean, I always try to support my people, especially in an industry that rarely represents us correctly. However; I also feel like I have the right to criticize something I spent my money on. On the real, work is not exempt from judgment just because my people were involved. With that being said, this new All Eyez On Me movie about Tupac Shakur is trash, garbage and basura, son. Listen, I’m the biggest Pac fan in the world and I left the theater disappointed. Now, let me explain myself further.

So, before I begin the drag fest, let me talk about some of the positives of the film. First, the casting is good. Well, in certain places, son. Anyway, Demetrius Shipp Jr., Danai Gurira and Kat Graham are convincing as Pac, Afeni Shakur and Jada Pinkett-Smith, respectively. They all look the part and they deliver their lines with conviction. However; the lines they are forced to utter are fucking terrible, son. All in all, that brings us to our first major problem.

Bruh, who wrote the fucking dialogue for this movie? Man, every single conversation drags because the interactions between the characters are comically bad. On the real, I literally said “what the fuck” while watching a scene where Pac is recording “Brenda’s Got A Baby.” The scene is supposed to convey Pac’s need to improve his circumstances, but just makes him look like an asshole who’s barking on some hapless engineer. The dialogue simply isn’t good enough to properly depict his mental state.

Next, the film goes from 1971, the year of his birth, to 1991 in the first twenty minutes. So, the filmmakers can dedicate two hours to the last five years of his life, but barely flesh out the formative years that made him? Son, I don’t want to simply see a reenactment of his finals days. Pac was all over the damn news during these years, fam. A lot of us already know about the fuck shit he got himself into. On the other hand, delving into his childhood with Afeni and Mutulu Shakur could’ve been eye-opening. Delving into his time in Marin City, California could’ve been informative. Honestly, it would’ve given the audience some context into why Pac behaved the way he did.

Moving on, the movie is also inaccurate. I mean, Jada said it herself. In real life, Pac never read her the letter he wrote for her. He never told her he was going to California. Also, they never had an argument about his tomfoolery at one of his concerts. To make matters worse, Pac is using a cotdamn iPhone in one of the scenes! Good fucking Lord, man! This entire film is half-baked and half-assed. L.T. Hutton and Benny Boom should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves, son.

In the end, I can’t recommend this movie to anyone. I wasted my money on this shit, fam. Keeping it a buck, this travesty took two and a half hours of my life, bruh. Seriously, I had to go play The Don Killuminati to get this shit out of my head. Needless to say, this film isn’t Straight Outta Compton. Ultimately, I guess we can blame that movie for making fools think this bullshit would work. *Sigh* LC out.

Do We Want The Righteous Or The Ratchet?

So, to begin, the above picture has little to do with the premise of this post. Frankly, I’m using the images of Ayesha Curry and Cardi B as a means of trolling. With that being said, I have a real question for all of my readers. Does everyone out there want the righteous or the ratchet? I ask that because I always notice the difference in response between posts about political/social issues and posts about pop culture. All I want to know is, is celebrity more important than the issues that affect our everyday lives?

Now, before I continue, let me keep it a buck. On the real, I’m thankful for ANYONE who reads this blog. I mean, I’m wholeheartedly surprised that folks pay attention to my random ramblings. In any case, as people could probably tell, I’ll talk about any and everything on this platform. Frankly, this blog is essentially a snapshot of my free association writing. So, I will continue to touch on a wide variety of topics. However; I do find it odd/slightly disheartening that people would rather read about things like Rap beef than police brutality.

Look, let me be clear, son. Regardless of what I write about, I’ve gained a base that will support me. I mean, that’s fucking beautiful, man! I check my analytics everyday and do the Carlton Dance out of pure joy. With that being said, it scares me that sensationalism seems to be more important than reality. While I thoroughly enjoy making fun of pop culture fuckery, I also want people to take a greater interest in substantial issues. Being honest, in the grand scheme of things, speculation about Kim Kardashian‘s ass shouldn’t trump healthcare, pun intended.

In the end, I’m sorry if I’m coming off a bit preachy here. On the real, that’s truly not my intention, man. Listen, I’m really no better than anyone else, son. Basically, I’m just a random dude with an internet connection who happens to care. Ultimately, my only goal is to make everyone out there aware of what’s happening around us. Now, don’t worry, I’ll keep making fun of our celebrities when they do dumb shit, fam. However; I just want people to care about the righteous as much as we seem to care about the ratchet. That is all. LC out.

Damn, Darkness: RIP Charlie Murphy

Damn, son. *Sigh* All I can do is shake my head, man. On the real, Rest In Peace to Charlie Murphy. Cancer has taken yet another victim, bruh. Now, contrary to what some news outlets might say, Charlie was way more than Eddie Murphy‘s older brother. In fact, he was a master storyteller, a quick-witted verbal flame thrower and a dude who was hilariously menacing. All in all, we lost a great talent and his legacy should be celebrated.

Now, maybe I’m dating myself, but my first real memory of Murphy was in the movie CB4. Yeah, I know he was in a few films before that, including a couple of Spike Lee joints, but I vividly remember him as Gusto. Look, I got endless joy out of watching him terrorize Albert (Chris Rock). His aggression was always funny and it made every scene entertaining to watch.

Moving on, as time progressed, he found himself on every visual medium imaginable. However; no one will ever forget his role on Chappelle’s Show. Listen, everything he did with Dave Chappelle on that show was gold, son. EVERYTHING, man! Whether we’re talking about “Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories” or “The Mad Real World” or the “Player Hater’s Ball,” Murphy created nothing but classic material, fam.

Ok, keeping it a buck, Chappelle may be the greatest comedian of all time. With that being said, the most memorable material from his show might actually be Murphy’s stories about Rick James and Prince. Think about that for a second, man. That’s how great Murphy was. Even legends like Chappelle and his brother Eddie knew how phenomenal Charlie was. As Eddie always said, Charlie was “his best impression.”

In the end, Murphy deserves his respect. He put in the time and the effort to be considered an icon. Now, let’s celebrate his memory by slapping a “habitual line-stepper” and then eating a plate of pancakes. RIP Charlie Murphy!

P.S. Prayers up to Murphy’s children. Due to his untimely demise from leukemia, his kids are now technically orphans. Unfortunately, Murphy’s wife, Tisha Taylor, died from cervical cancer in 2009. I swear, cancer might be the worst thing to ever plague humanity, man. That is all.

My Problem With Casey Affleck

So, to be honest, in regards to acting merit, I AM upset that Casey Affleck beat Denzel Washington for Best Actor at the Academy Awards. However; that’s not why I’m writing this post today. In actuality, I’m REALLY upset that Affleck won this award because of his history. Now, whether people want to admit it or not, the Academy just awarded a sexual abuser with their highest honor. Ultimately, all I want to know is, why is Affleck allowed to slide but Nate Parker was destroyed by the allegations against him?

Now, before I continue, let me make a few things clear. I don’t fuck with sexual assault, regardless of the culprit’s race. Despite the fact that Parker was found not guilty of raping a fellow college student, I still believe he did it. Why? Because I heard the recorded conversation between him and the victim. Look, I won’t go any further into this because I already wrote a dissertation on this topic. In any case, when the general public got wind of this story, it completely tanked the promotion of his The Birth of a Nation film. All in all, I can’t really say I’m bothered by this because I have a hard time supporting an alleged rapist.

Moving on, everything I just said feeds into my disdain for Affleck’s win. Look, if anyone does a little digging, they’ll find the accusations that two women made against him during the filming of I’m Still Here. First, Magdalena Gorka claimed that he got into bed with her on set and tried to pressure her into sleeping with him. Now, since he was also the director, when she refused, he made her life hell on set. Next, Amanda White claimed that Affleck instructed another crew member to show her his dick, he called women “cows” and he also told her it was time for her to get pregnant. Basically, Affleck was fucking bugging during the movie shoot.

All I want to know is, why is Affleck allowed to prosper while Parker was taken down? In my eyes, neither men should be allowed to succeed. If we don’t condone violence against women, then perpetrators should have to walk around with a scarlet letter. I hate to bring race into discussions about women’s rights, but it’s no coincidence that a White rapist can reach the pinnacle of his industry, while a Black one falls by the wayside. Only in America can the people find a way to divide the same atrocity along racial lines.

In the end, both men ain’t shit for what they’ve done to women. On the real, Affleck can take his Oscar and shove it. Also, shout-out to the Academy for essentially being sexual abuse-sympathizers. *Sigh* It’s a crazy world we live in, son. LC out.

Joseph Fiennes Killed Michael Jackson Again

So, I want everyone reading this to take a hard look at the picture above. LOOK AT THAT SHIT, MAN! Who approved this fuckery, son?! Why would Hollywood allow this bullshit to happen? I know the film industry has a long, looooooong history of Whitewashing historically Black characters, but this is out of control, man. All I know is, Joseph Fiennes and the entire staff of Elizabeth, Michael & Marlon need to be beaten with rubber hoses for what they did to Michael Jackson.

Now, before I continue eviscerating Fiennes for the bullshit makeup on his face, I want to talk about the plot of this movie. So, apparently, right after the 9/11 attacks, Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando hopped in a car and road tripped with each other from New York to California. Needless to say, shenanigans ensued along the way. *Sigh* Like, that’s a real plot, son. I mean, let’s put all of this into perspective. First, a screenplay was written about this. Next, a director signed on to make this. Finally, a cast and crew was put together to complete this. Along the way, ANYONE could’ve been like “ay, yo, this is a stupid ass idea.” However; NO ONE said that, son. I’m fucking baffled, man. Absolutely baffled.

Ok, getting back to Fiennes, I have so many fucking questions, son. First, why was this White dude allowed to play one of our greatest Black icons in the first place? Look, this isn’t a fictional character where it’s up to interpretation. Michael Joseph Jackson was a living, breathing human being and he was BLACK! All the vitiligo and plastic surgery in the world couldn’t change the fact that he was a Negro from Gary, Indiana, bro. Now, if anyone questions that, just go look at the rest of his family, man. Shit, Jermaine Jackson‘s face is probably super greasy as we speak, son.

Moving on, let’s talk about Fiennes’ makeup. Ok, look, in the latter parts of his life, MJ looked like a damn fool, son. I’ll be the first to admit that. With that being said, how in the fuck does Fiennes look even worse than the real MJ? How, Sway? How?! Bruh, I’m sure there are a billion pictures of Michael circulating around the internet right now. This crew couldn’t do a better job of approximating that man’s face?! I… I’m at a fucking loss for words, son. Mixing gall with an utter lack of execution is dangerous as all hell, man. 

In the end, I’m speechless, son. Joseph Fiennes and the cast of Elizabeth, Michael & Marlon murdered MJ for a second time. Shit, they need to be in prison with Conrad Murray. Look, even though Murray was an incompetent doctor, he wasn’t aiming to kill Mike. On the other hand, the clowns who worked on this movie did this bullshit on purpose. *Sigh* I’m out.

Let’s Talk About The Blackity-Black Golden Globes

I’m Black, y’all, and I’m Black, y’all, and I’m Blackity-Black and I’m Black, y’all. Man, if anyone watched the Golden Globes last night, they would’ve probably heard those CB4 lyrics cycling in the background. All jokes aside, last night’s awards show was a great time for Black actors and actresses. After a year of exceptional work in both television and film, multiple Black stars were honored for their respective performances. Accolades were doled out for achievements both in front of and behind the camera. With that being said, let’s keep the party going and talk about all of our winners, son. Ohledoit!

Now, if we’re starting with television, we’ve got to give major props to both Donald Glover and Tracee Ellis Ross. First off, let’s talk about the fact that Ross is the first Black woman to win the award for Best Actress – Musical or Comedy since Debbie Allen. To put this into perspective, Allen won that award back in 1983 for Fame. To give even MORE perspective, Allen won that award before I was born and I’m in my early 30’s. Needless to say, it’s been a long fucking time, son. Ross has been killing it on black-ish for a while now. This honor is long overdue, man. Massive congrats to her.

Next, let’s talk about Donald Glover, aka Childish Gambino. This dude had an incredible night, man. Shiiiit, if we’re counting his “Awaken, My Love!” album and his soon-to-be stint as Star WarsLando Calrissian, Glover had an incredible 2016, son. In any case, not only did he win the award for Best Actor – Musical or Comedy, but his show, Atlanta, also won Best Series – Musical or Comedy.

Keeping it a buck, Atlanta and Issa Rae’s Insecure were my two favorite shows of the past year. Both Glover and Rae made shows that were unapologetically Black and dared the mainstream to get onboard. Keep in mind, when I say “unapologetically Black,” I’m not referring to any stereotypical depictions of Black people. Both shows displayed the nuances of our community and depicted the fact that we’re not all a monolith. So, with a show like Atlanta being respected, it shows us all that we don’t have to dilute ourselves for recognition.

Moving on, let’s get to these movies, son. All I know is, all praises are due to Viola Davis and Moonlight. Davis won the award for Best Supporting Actress – Drama, Musical or Comedy for her role in Fences and Moonlight won Best Motion Picture – Drama. Now, even though I believe Davis should’ve been in the Best Actress category, it’s about time Hollywood recognized she’s one of the best in the game. She’s been a deity for quite some time now, man. They’re officially late to the party, son.

Also, to keep it going, Moonlight was the best movie I watched last year. If we’re being real, homosexuality can be a taboo subject in the Black community. However; this film does any amazing job of chronicling a man’s journey through self-realization and self-acceptance. There was nothing cliché about the storyline and it’s impossible to not be emotionally invested in the characters. Side note, I love absolutely EVERYTHING about Janelle Monáe. I’d find a way to marry her if my wife wouldn’t kill me first.

In the end, while we don’t need Hollywood’s acceptance to do great work, it’s still good to see them acknowledge our awesomeness. With or without their help, we need to continue pushing OUR art forward and telling OUR stories. That’s the only real way to shape our own narrative. Once again, congrats to all of last night’s winners, man. Good day.

P.S. I hate to end this post on a critical note, but someone tell the Golden Globes that Hidden Figures and Fences are two different movies. No, White people, we don’t all look alike and we don’t all act in the same movies. That is all.

P.P.S. Shout-out to Glover again for showing love to Migos‘ “Bad and Boujee“. That song is without a doubt the most enjoyable thing on the planet right now. Rain drop… LC out.

2016 Killed EVERYONE!

Man, I had no plans to write anything this week. Since I’m on vacation until the New Year, I thought I could sit back and chill. But yo! What the fuck is wrong with 2016, son?! This year has killed damn near every celebrity I grew up with, man. Seriously, the last 365 days have been completely out of control. At this point, after hearing about the recent deaths of George Michael and Carrie Fisher, I’m more than ready for the year itself to be buried. With that being said, get the fuck outta here, 2016!

On the real, I’m not even sure what to write here. The year started off poorly when David Bowie passed. That caught me completely off guard. However; Prince‘s death took the wind out of my sails. Anyone who knows me knows he’s my favorite musician of all-time and the MAIN reason why I learned to play instruments. In all honesty, I’m still not over his death, man. I still have so many questions and comments about the circumstances that led to his untimely demise. But, we don’t have enough time for all of my conspiracy theories, son.

Now, whether we’re talking about Muhammad Ali, Phife Dawg, John Saunders, Craig Sager, Sharon Jones, Maurice White, Gene Wilder or Alan Thicke, we’ve lost countless celebrities who’ve impacted us on various levels. The wildest part of all of this is the fact that I haven’t even named everyone, son. Frankly, I don’t have enough time, patience or mental capacity to list everyone who fell this year. With that being said, I’ll let the New York Daily News do their job and give the proper shine to all of our fallen comrades.

Ultimately, this may be the last post I write for the year, man. 2016 has been a fucking beast! I didn’t even mention the fact that democracy also died this year with Donald Trump‘s election. For anyone who thinks I’m being over dramatic, just look at the voting numbers. Hillary Clinton got 2.9 million more votes than Trump and still lost, son. *Sigh* I’m going back to sleep, man. Good day.