Disclaimer: This post is nothing but spoilers, son. Literally all of the spoilers, man. If anyone doesn’t want me to ruin their experience, run for the hills immediately. Now, let’s get it.
Ok, to be real, there are a few people upset with me right now. Last night, I hit my Instagram and Facebook timelines with a vengeance and let loose a bunch of bombs about The Walking Dead. Now, while I completely understand why some would like to hit me with Lucille, Negan’s bat, allow me to defend myself for a second. I mean, Negan OD’d, man! He fucking OD’d in last night’s episode! My apologies for getting caught up in the moment, but shit, I was blown away by the level of Negan’s savagery. With that being said, after only an episode and change, I’m a firm believer that Negan is on the Mount Rushmore of television goons.
At this point, I’m sure everyone who watches the show knows how last season ended. Rick Grimes and company were surrounded by the Saviors, placed on their knees and forced to watch Negan beat the tomato sauce out of someone. Naturally, we all assumed only one member of the Alexandria crew was going to get the casket treatment. But nooooooo, Negan had to take it a step further and knock off TWO compadres from the squad!
To begin, Abraham Ford was first up to bat after being chosen due to a fucked up game of “eeny, meeny, miny, moe.” Side note, “first up to bat?” I make myself laugh, son. In any case, after Abraham was beaten to oblivion, good ol’ Daryl Dixon had enough and threw a punch at Negan. As retribution, Negan turned around and slapped the snot out of Glenn Rhee with his trusted bat. Now, that’s two deaths for the price of one, man. To make matters worse, Negan didn’t just clock Abraham and Glenn a couple of times. He definitely kept fucking hitting them until their skulls dissipated. It was complete and utter overkill, bro.
Now, just when we all thought Negan was done, he decided to kidnap Rick, drive to a foggy field and make Rick find his axe is a sea of walkers. Taking it even further, he then brought Rick back to the group, had his men put guns to everyone’s heads and told Rick he’d kill them all if he didn’t cut Carl Grimes‘ arm off. Who thinks of this shit, man?! Who thinks of trying to make a dude cut off the arm of his own son? Hell nah, man! This episode was an hour of pure fucking terror, bro! I was literally standing up in my house for most of it, son. On the real, the last time I couldn’t sit during a television show was the “Ozymandias” episode of Breaking Bad. Side note, shout-out to Breaking Bad, another AMC program and the greatest show of the all-time. Fight me. In any case, Negan did all of this just to break Rick’s spirit. While I’m a firm believer that Rick will eventually figure out a way to get even, as of right now, it’s not looking good for the boy, son. At the moment, he’s essentially Negan’s bitch.
All in all, last night’s episode was BY FAR the wildest in TWD’s history. Yeah, we’ve seen countless murders, cannibalism and near rape on this program, but in terms of pure emotional abuse, this takes the cake, man. Not to mention, Abraham’s and Glenn’s brain matter are all over the gravel, son. Ultimately, while the show can appear to be redundant at times, this season opener certainly woke me up, bro. The rest of this season is about to go down! Can’t wait! Good day.