Honestly, I just want everyone reading this to know something: Donald Trump is a genius. He’s a genius for successfully fooling a section of the country into believing he’s a genius. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. The second greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing idiots that Trump is a master of the tax code. At this point, I’m positive I’m in the Twilight Zone. However; there’s only one thing I want to know: how can I avoid paying my federal income taxes too?
On the real, do I even need to give a summary about Donald Trump’s taxes? Does anyone out there watch the news or get Google alerts? In any case, three pages of Trump’s 1995 tax return was leaked by the New York Times. From there, the whole world temporarily stopped. Well, not really, but c’mon son, let me exaggerate for a second. Moving on, it was discovered that Trump claimed losses of $916 million for the year. Now, for those wondering, that number is NOT a typo. The “business genius” running for president loss close to a billion dollars in ONE YEAR! Because of his ineptitude, he was granted the opportunity to avoid paying federal taxes for the next 18 years. This means that when Hillary Clinton claimed Trump doesn’t pay his taxes during the debate, she was telling the truth, son. The ugly, God-awful truth.
Now, for some reason, GOP surrogates are using this tidbit to “prove” Trump’s greatness. In their eyes, he “brilliantly” took advantage of our country’s tax codes to secure wealth for himself. The funny part is, they never seem to mention the fact HE LOST A BILLION DOLLARS IN THE FIRST PLACE! To put this into perspective, Alan Cole of the Tax Foundation tweeted that Trump, by himself, was responsible for 1.9% of ALL net operating losses that year. Wait, can I rephrase that for a second? One man, the GOP nominee for president, represented nearly 2% of ALL company losses in the ENTIRE United States. What part of being a “genius” is that? If my mom sent me to the supermarket with $20, I couldn’t come home without the groceries or the money and be considered smart, man. Instead, I’d probably catch a swift leather belt to the rear end. Come the fuck on, son!
Ultimately, I just want to know, what the hell did Wesley Snipes, Ronald Isley and Fat Joe go to jail for? How are people going to prison on tax evasion charges when the potential next president hasn’t paid his for most of my lifetime? Hell, even Wesley wanted to know the answer to that question. He hilariously tweeted that the IRS hates on the Daywalker every April and that we need to “Make America Blade Again.” All jokes aside, Wesley has a point. This dude spent three years in prison while Trump is now one step closer to the nuclear codes. Man, the game is all fucked up out here, son.
In the end, there’s nothing else to say, man. All I can think about is how much further my money could go if I didn’t have to pay any attention to the IRS. Can Uncle Sam let me cook for the next 18 years too? I mean, do I have to lose all of my money first? If so, I’ll empty out my checking account today! Just let me know, son. Just let me know. Good day.