Man, Drake Ain’t Battling Eminem

Ok, look, let’s stop the foolishness right now, son. It really doesn’t matter what Ebro Darden from Hot 97 says. There’s no way in Hell Drake and Eminem are going to battle each other. According to Ebro, he told Drake that Em was going to diss him and Drake replied that he had something for him if he does. Come on, son, I don’t believe that tall tale for a second, man. With that being said, can we put all of these hypotheticals to rest? At the end of the day, we all need to be completely honest with each other: Em would eat Aubrey for breakfast, lunch, dinner and fourth meal.

Let me start this dissertation by getting one item out of the way: popularity doesn’t matter, son. Everyone knows Drake is the most popular rapper in the world right now. However; his greatest successes don’t really compare to Em’s. Yeah, Drake has the most number-one Rap songs in history, but Em has two diamond-selling albums. Allow me to put that in perspective for a second. In the history of the world, only nine Rap albums have ever sold ten million records and Eminem has two of them. That’s some straight Adele shit, bro. So, in regards to this imaginary battle, success is irrelevant. Eminem wins that fight by default, man.

Now, let’s talk about actual skills here. In case anyone forgot where Eminem came from, he was literally bred to be a battle rapper. Don’t believe me? Just hit up YouTube and see a younger version of him royally roast a variety of opponents for the world to see. On the other hand, it doesn’t even seem like Drake considers him a rapper. In “Back To Back,” his damn near career-ending diss to Meek Mill, he uttered the words “you’re getting bodied by a singing nigga.” In addition, on “Big Amount,” his most recent guest appearance on a 2 Chainz song, he definitely said Rap is something he does “on the side.” From that mentality alone, he shouldn’t want ANY parts of the “Rap God.” After all of these years and all of the records sold, Em still writes rhymes with the focus of a broke dude trying to get a record deal. It would be asinine for Drake to pick a fight with a man who’s that dedicated to rhyming words together.

Finally, just listen to this damn song, man. I don’t care what anyone says in response to this. There is absolutely no rhyme in Drake’s catalog that can fuck with the first verse of this track. From a straight technical standpoint, it’s a genius display of wordplay, man. This ain’t rhyming to make a meme, bro. This is rhyming to make a motherfucker regret stepping into a circumference of body blows. Honestly speaking, if Drake has any real friends, they should tell him to debunk this story, even though I never believed it was real to begin with. Someone needs to save that man ASAP.

In the end, I don’t want it to seem like I’m a Drake hater here. I’m actually a huge fan of that guy’s music. Shit, “Under Ground Kings” is one of my theme songs, man. However; when it comes to Eminem, we’re talking about one of the greatest human beings to ever put a metaphor to a bass line. Also, we’re forgetting one crucial element here: if Drake didn’t want any static from Joe Budden, he damn sure doesn’t want to end up in Em’s crosshairs. Ultimately, we’ll never know, though. Drake seems to prefer taking shots at Funkmaster Flex, for God knows what reason. In any case, adios, good people.

P.S. Shout-out to my dude Kurt for inspiring this post. Yessir.

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