What The F*ck Is Mimi Doing?

Nah, son. Naaah, son. NAAAAAH, SON! My brain literally cannot comprehend the fuckery of Mimi Faust right now. I mean, who in the hell told her sex tapes were still the wave, bruh? After all of the sob stories and the Stevie J/Joseline Hernandez bashing, this is what she chose to do to make herself hot in these streets? On the real, what does she even expect to gain from this? Kim Kardashian gets no respect, Paris Hilton has all but disappeared and Pam Anderson is old. The jig is all of the way up, son.

All jokes aside, ain’t Mimi in her cotdamn 40s, bruh? What part of the game is this, man? How is she going to explain this shit to her daughter? Not only did her “man” leave her and marry a former stripper, now she’s hanging from shower rods and getting her “double wrist” action on in WorldStarHipHop videos. Talk about falling off of a damn cliff, son. Can it possibly get any worse for this woman? These situations are all consecutive L’s, man. Mimi’s out here looking like Shock-Kim The Clown right now. I’m relatively sure she’s crying in her house at the moment.

In the end, I only have one message for Ms. Mimi Faust: NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOU BUST IT OPEN, WOMAN! Please, remove yourself from public consciousness. Thank you and have a nice day.

Let’s Talk About Hot 97

Ok, I’m going to try and make this post short because I just want to quickly get something off of my chest. Side note, every time I say I’m going to make a post short, it ends up being one of my longer ramblings. Anyway, I’ve been watching VH1‘s new “reality show” This Is Hot 97 recently, and I must say, I’m actually enjoying it. All of the cast members, especially Ebro Darden, have a douchebaggery sense of humor I can relate to. Who doesn’t want healthy doses of profanity and boob jokes in the workplace, son? Isn’t that the American dream, man? In any case, I’d like to address the individuals who’ve been insinuating the show is too scripted. *Ahem* THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT, STUPID!

All jokes aside, people do realize the show is intended to be satire, right? Like, people know it’s scripted on purpose, right? I ask because I see a ton of comments on social media like “this show is so fake” and I’m left scratching my head. You mean to tell me, after watching Ebro’s scene with Macklemore, for example, people didn’t think they intentionally filmed it to be a joke? *Sigh* The intelligence level of the greater population hurts me sometimes, man. Ok, it hurts me often. For God‘s sake, they filmed a scene with Peter Rosenberg trying to convince his wife and Carrie Keagan to have a threesome with him. If that type of behavior was really about to go down, do you honestly think VH1 would be interviewing Rosenberg in his own bathroom about it? C’mon son, people can’t be that slow-witted. Internet trolls need to just laugh at the jokes and call it a day.

All in all, there’s nothing else to say, man. Detractors need to lighten up and simply pray the TV gods allow Angie Martinez and Miss Info to grope each other. Is that too much to ask, bruh? Ok, have a nice day.

P.S. I don’t care how many jokes Funkmaster Flex makes on the show, he’ll never be cool in my eyes, son. Over the course of my lifetime, he’s butchered too many songs with unnecessary bombs and maddening replays for me to forgive him. That is all.

You Love Ratchet Sh*t

First off, I want to begin this post by saying I’m incredibly indebted to anyone who takes the time to actually read my blog. You could’ve been running in circles or philosophizing about “Hammer Pants,” but you took the time to click on the random links I post across social media. For that, I am eternally grateful. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I’m ashamed of all of you. That’s right, I’m talking to YOU, son! Our culture’s insatiable need for all things ratchet trumps all of the actually important topics we should be discussing. With that being said, I’m treating today’s post as a call to arms. Will you respond?

Truthfully, I got the idea for this post by examining which articles of mine get the most views. Without fail, if I rant about a Pop star, a reality star or anything that is WorldStarHipHop-certified, people hop all over it. When I talk about politicians or any societal ills, I still get a good amount of site clicks, but the numbers are nowhere near as exorbitant. For example, before I revamped the blog, my highest viewed article was a diatribe about the stupid beef between Ludacris, Drake and Big Sean. A close second was my post about the altercation between Frank Ocean and Chris Brown. Mind you, I wrote numerous articles about George Zimmerman, Presidential candidates and Batman, but you fine folks would rather keep up with the TMZ-related bullshit. Side note, I know I shouldn’t have put Batman is the same category, but Bruce Wayne is the Man, man!

To be fair, for a quick millisecond, I thought of only giving the masses unbridled ratchery, but my college degree wouldn’t allow me to, son. While I’ll still make fun of all of the fools who engage in Jedi-level fuckery, I will also continue to spoon-feed y’all the news you need to know. That’s right, I’m doing a service for the people, cotdammit! I feel like the “Rent Is Too Damn High” dude would be proud. On that note, arrivederci, brethren!