Posts Tagged ‘Sports’

Knicks Keep Losing? It’s Ciara’s Fault

Posted: March 30, 2011 in Articles
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Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am prepared to make a convincing argument that the Knicks woes over the second half of the season comes as a direct result of Amar’e Stoudemire’s alleged relationship with singer Ciara. Ever since she entered the picture, the progress the Knicks had made through the first half of the season came to a halt, and we’ve been playing .500 basketball from that point on.

After a win over the Portland Trailblazers on January 11th, the Knicks had a record of 22-15, which is easily the most games over .500 we’ve been in years. Shortly after this period of jubilation, rumors began to surface in mid January that Amar’e had been seen with Ciara at various locations around the Meatpacking District, which is in fact the area he currently lives in. Then like clockwork, the Knicks lost 5 games in a row, and by the end up the month, our record was 25-22.

February didn’t turn out any better, with a 5-5 record for the month, including losses to the damn Philadelphia 76ers, LA Clippers and Cleveland Cavaliers. To make matters worse, with the acquisition of Carmelo Anthony, and with Carmelo’s wife La La Vasquez being a close friend of Ciara, Ciara has been spotted at more games, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that our record has suffered since then. Ever since this lineup change, the Knicks have a record of 8-12, bringing our overall record to 36-38 for the season.

Ciara brings an aura of losing to any vicinity she’s in because her career is in fact one big L. When she first came onto the scene, she started off hot with a string of hit singles including “Goodies,” “1, 2 Step” and “Oh.” Even with her second album, she was able to remain relevant with songs such as “Like A Boy” and “Promise.” However, besides her skilled dancing, people began to realize she had no other talent, and her novelty career eventually began to sink. She has become so irrelevant that even her record company dropped her. This means Soulja Boy currently has a record deal, but Ciara doesn’t. That sounds like losing to me. To add insult to injury, she even got into a squabble with Rihanna on Twitter, with Rihanna clowning her for not being able to find a stage to perform on. How many L’s can one human being take?

The moral of the story is, if the Knicks want to get back to their earlier winning ways, Amar’e needs to get away from her immediately and she needs to be banned from Madison Square Garden. The fate of our franchise depends on this.

Palabra.

What I Learned From Barry Bonds

Posted: March 29, 2011 in Articles
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Now I don’t know if you’ve been following this Barry Bonds perjury trial, but needless to say, it has had some truly comedic moments. While I don’t have any statistics in front of me, I’ll go out on a limb and say that a man’s shrinking ball size has never been brought up as many times as it has in this trial. Sidebar, this is the main reason why I can’t endorse steroid use. Forget the cheating accusations and all the sports writers who villainize steroid users, I just can’t understand how a dude can knowingly and willingly take a substance that’ll make your manhood look like it did when you were in elementary school, but I digress.

Kimberly Bell, Bonds’ former mistress, took the stand yesterday as one of the prosecution’s key witnesses, where she divulged potentially damning information about Bonds’ steroid use. Among her claims are his alleged abusive behavior, including threatening to cut her head off, burning down her house and cutting out her breast implants because he bought them. These statements are being used to try and prove that Bonds had “Roid Rage,” where extreme anger is a potential side effect of steroid use. In addition, Bell claims that Bonds told her that an elbow injury he had back in 1999 came as the result of steroids. Also, to add insult to injury, she claims remembering numerous instances where him and his former trainer Greg Anderson disappeared with a satchel into an adjacent room, doing God knows what. Another sidebar, all you rappers that talk about “Stop Snitching” and taking your jail time like a man, Greg Anderson really lives that life. This dude went to jail MULTIPLE TIMES to protect Barry Bonds’ name. What you know about that?

In the end, with all the mud slinging going on in this trial, the main lesson I learned is to never, ever, ever, ever, ever double cross a woman you had “relations” with. There is no way in Hell that things will end even remotely well.

Amen.

Kobe Will Never Be Jordan… Ever

Posted: March 24, 2011 in Articles
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I’m probably being a prisoner of the moment right now, but there’s nothing on Earth that bothers me more than people saying Kobe Bryant is better than Michael Jordan. All people who believe such buffoonery instantly disqualify their privilege to talk. I can no longer take anything you say seriously, because I’m pretty sure you still believe Santa Claus is real and that the police actually protect the people.

Now mind you, I have a love/hate relationship with Michael Jordan. While I’ve tried, and failed, to master all of his moves, I consistently wanted to break his knee caps as he continually displaced my beloved Knicks from the playoffs year after year. Watching him celebrate while Patrick Ewing was on the opposing bench wearing two ice bags the size of small children was always heartbreaking. But with that being said, he’s without question the greatest dude to ever pick up a basketball, ever.

Just look at the damn stats. Jordan played 15 seasons and Kobe is nearing the end of his 15th season. Jordan has more championships, more points, more assists, more steals, more rebounds, more MVP’s, more Finals MVP’s, and on top of that, Jordan was damn near 40 for two of those seasons. I’m also forgetting that MJ only played 18 regular season games his 2nd year in the league, and 17 regular season games the year after his first retirement. Meaning, despite Kobe’s shortest season being 50 games, he STILL couldn’t catch Jordan.

The moral of the story is, if you’re an LA Laker fan, I can forgive you because clearly you’re biased. But if you’re not, and you have the audacity to utter such tomfoolery, I’ll slap you. The end…

How About Those Knicks/Knuggets?

Posted: March 24, 2011 in Articles, Video
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If you’re a Knicks fan, last night sucked. Then again, if you’re a Knicks fan, most nights suck. For over the last decade, we’ve been one of the main patrons of futility. Shuffling through BS coaches including Isiah Thomas and Herb Williams, we dwelled at the bottom of the weaker conference in the NBA. (FYI, his name is HERB!)

But despite all of our epic fails, this year was going to be different. After getting Amar’e Stoudemire in the offseason, we all had high hopes that we’d finally turn it all around. And for a while, we did.

At one point this season, we were 14 games over .500 and in the playoff race for the first time since the early 2000s. With ambitions high and new goals seemingly within reach, Knicks management decided to do something George Bush-ly stupid: trade away the whole cotdamn team for Carmelo Anthony.

Now nobody will dispute that Carmelo is a great offensive player, but he is NOT worth 4 of our players AND a future draft pick. Brilliant move management. Let’s add a small forward who doesn’t play defense to a power forward who doesn’t play defense, and then let’s have them coached by a guy who doesn’t even know how to spell defense. Clearly that’s a winning strategy. To add insult to injury, the Knuggets, not the Nuggets, have an 11-4 record since the trade while we’re 7-10. Did I mention that two of our losses came at the hands of the damn Cavs? The same Cavs who established the NBA record for consecutive wackness? Well, last night was no different. We lose to the Magic, then in the same night, the Knuggets beat the league leading Spurs. Clearly this trade is working in our favor.

Of course I hope this turns around, but I will continue to have heart palpitations and symptoms of Tourette’s Syndrome in the meantime. Thank you for screwing us yet again Knicks management.

P.S. THIS guy is on our team again…

A Moment Of Silence For Your Bracket

Posted: March 21, 2011 in Articles
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We have gathered here today to celebrate the life of your bracket, who only got a chance to live for a short period of time. Before the NCAA tournament started he had a youthful exuberance, with hopes and aspirations of making it big, and the drive to show other brackets that he reigned supreme. Unfortunately, despite his bright-eyed outlook on life, he couldn’t withstand the trauma of March Madness, which led to his untimely and premature death.

Things didn’t start well for him during the first round, taking two sharp Bruce Lee kicks to the gut with the losses of Georgetown and Louisville. But through the pain and adversity, he persevered. He got back on his feet, held his head high and continued to march forward, fully confident that these would be his final setbacks. Then, like clockwork, he went on an unprecedented string of L’s. First, Syracuse goes down, then Purdue goes down, then Texas goes down, then Pittsburgh goes down, culminating with Notre Dame getting the “Ron Burgundy flying dog kick” treatment. He put his faith in a couple of teams who always fail in the tournament, i.e. Pittsburgh, and now we’re here to mourn the loss of a well-intentioned, but misguided individual.

I hope we’ve all learned a valuable lesson here today, which is to never, ever, EVER think you’re going to be right about the tournament. And if you’re the fool who bet money on this, I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that I’m laughing at you. That “sharp pain in my side and can barely breathe” type of laughter. If we had any clue about what the hell we were talking about, we’d all be Joe Lunardi.

Amen.

I’d Still Pick Jalen Rose In A Fight

Posted: March 16, 2011 in Articles
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So, I just read Grant Hill’s response to Jalen Rose calling him and other black Duke players “Uncle Toms” in the ESPN “Fab 5″ documentary, and clearly he missed the point. Now before some oversensitive sap gets on my case and tries to scold me for being ignorant, judgmental or whatever other adjective comes to mind, let me explain what I mean. I’ll be the first to admit that Jalen was out of pocket for using such a racially charged term, especially since the Duke players were nothing more than teenagers trying to play ball just like him. Jalen’s also wrong for directing his anger toward hard-working African-American families who just wanted to provide a stable environment for their kids to thrive in. With all that being said, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s absolutely right that Duke only recruits kids from a particular “well-to-do” background.

Just take a look down the list: Grant Hill came from a suburban household with two educated parents, Shane Battier also grew up in the suburbs, Nolan Smith was the child of a respected NBA star, and even Kyrie Irving has a father who played professionally in Australia, granting him dual citizenship between the US and Australia. When you look at a resumé like that, players with backgrounds like Rose don’t fit into the equation. Jalen even admitted himself that he was jealous of players like Hill because he had the type of family structure he craved.

Now of course Grant Hill is not going to throw shade on the school responsible for his education, but for him to even think that Rose doesn’t have a point about how Duke recruits its players is stupid. I understand that Duke is a private institution, and has the right to enroll students as they see fit, but this also means that players like Rose have every right to feel slighted. This tells young black children that the lifestyle you didn’t choose can potentially determine your ceiling. And let’s keep it all the way real Duke proponents, the day you see Mike Krzyzewski recruiting a player from East New York will be the day I get to challenge Obama to a breakdance contest.

When it’s all said and done, Jalen picked the wrong target to aim his frustrations. But I’d still pick him in a fight. I mean, c’mon, you saw the documentary son, he’s a goon lol…

I Want To Debate Skip Bayless

Posted: March 13, 2011 in Articles, Video
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Have you ever watched the “1 & 10″ segment on ESPN First Take, and watched as Skip Bayless began to spew some nonsense, and thought to yourself “what the $@%@ is he talking about?” And then to make matters worse, you have fools like Rob Parker or the 2 Live Stews saying even more nonsensical jibberish, which only makes Skip look like he knows what he’s talking about? Well fear no more, because I have made it my life’s mission to sit in the chair across from Skip, and put him out of his misery. This will be a battle for the ages, because LC doesn’t duck a fight like Floyd Mayweather. ESPN, let’s make this happen. I can single-handedly raise your ratings higher than you’ve even thought possible. Now, I will let my representative Mr. T speak on what the outcome of this debate will be…

The Miami Heat Comedy Special

Posted: March 11, 2011 in Video
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First you got dude’s crying in the locker room after a regular season loss, but now you got “Bosh Spice” formerly known as “Predator” talking about man hugs during the post game press conference. These dudes provide a whole heap of clownery. Yes, I said “heap”. Regardless, the last minute of this video is pure comedy.

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/e/16711680/wshh30qISCPYup1o6lIJ

My Mission Statement

Posted: March 11, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Welcome to probably the trillioneth blog ever created.  I hereby solemnly swear to lambast, ridicule and torment all of your favorite musicians, athletes, politicians, and whoever else deserves it.  I will not rest on my laurels until I make a few of you hate me:  just kidding (not really).  God bless Internet thuggery.  You’re welcome, you’re all welcome.