Go Directly To Jail, Chris Brown

Let me start this post by saying, I don’t really feel bad for Chris Brown. In my opinion, the fact he’s finally facing some jail time is long overdue. To me, if he’d been thrown in jail right after his violent episode with Rihanna, maybe he’d be a centered human being by now. Instead, we’re 5 years removed from his initial run-in with the law and he’s still finding himself in trouble. With that being said, jail is probably exactly what that dude needs.

Now, to be fair, I have read the recent reports about his bipolar and post-traumatic stress disorders. While we shouldn’t simply give him a pass for all of his reckless behavior, those illnesses would explain some of his seemingly erratic actions. However, if his issues are real, this brings up way more questions in my mind. Why wasn’t any of this discovered sooner? Where was/is his support system? Has his entourage been hiding this information? While no one can predict mental affliction, maybe, just maybe, someone should have noticed something based on the fact this guy is in some sort of predicament every 2 milliseconds. You mean to tell me, after all of the years of anger management and rehab, no doctors found anything wrong with him? Either they’re completely incompetent or his newfound symptoms are bullshit, son.

All in all, jail is good for Chris Brown. Those correctional officers aren’t going to take any shit from a woman beater and I’m positive he’s not going to try and get buck on any of his fellow inmates. In addition, if his mental health is really as fragile as they claim, maybe now he can get the help he needs. It’s finally time for him to stop the tomfoolery and just sing and dance. Leave the unnecessary thugging to real thugs, man. Good day.

Was It Worth It, Robin Thicke?

While I was lost in the tomfoolery of Kendrick Lamar being shut out at the Grammys, I neglected all of the other artists who walked out empty-handed. One such artist was the homie Robin Thicke. Side note, I’m saying “homie” as if I have any connection to this man. Let me stop the foolishness. In any case, despite the massive year Robin had in 2013, he didn’t get any love from the Grammy Committee. In my eyes, that was yet another knock against him since he’s ascended the realm of Commercial Pop Sugary Shit.

Truthfully, I think the success of “Blurred Lines” was the worst thing to ever happen to Robin Thicke. While it was by far his most successful single, and it garnered him more attention than he’s ever had before, all of the fuckery that came along with it couldn’t have been enjoyable. I mean, pick a situation, son. He’s got Marvin Gaye‘s family on his ass for the similarities between his song and “Got To Give It Up.” He looked stupider than Ashlee Simpson on Saturday Night Live when he let Miley Cyrus awkwardly gyrate on him during the Video Music Awards. To top it off, his actual album was certified rotisserie booty meat. Have you heard the shit, son? I couldn’t believe such a talented dude would have the gall to package that piece of excrement and release it to the public.

All in all, I have to ask the question, was it worth it, bruh? Between the lawsuit, the subpar album and the hit to your credibility, was it worth it, man? My only hope is, Robin can look at his bank account in the morning and answer that question with an emphatic “yes!” With that being said, I’m going to just listen to his old shit and pretend like 2013 didn’t happen. I encourage you all to join me. Good day, brethren!

Deport Justin Bieber

Now, I have no idea why, but I’m actually a little worried about Justin Bieber. Ok, that’s not true, but seriously, someone needs to come get this kid ASAP. While he’s hardly the first young celeb to lose his cotdamn mind in public, the rate at which he’s spiraling out of control is alarming. I mean shit, it feels like he’s already outdone Lindsey Lohan in a short two-year period. Say what you want about his music, homie is a talented youth, and if he keeps up the bullshit, his career could be over más rápido. Go ask Amanda Bynes.

Honestly, run down the line, son. What isn’t this little twerp doing nowadays? He’s been arrested for alleged drunken drag racing, police found cocaine in his home, he’s suspected of being addicted to Lean and he even accused his mother of being his Xanax supplier. So you mean to tell me, a dude who still has “teen” in his age could potentially be using alcohol, weed, cocaine, Lean and Xanax? Now, I’ve done a fair amount of drugs in my life, but Good Lord, bruh! Your man is damn near a walking antibiotic at this point. Who needs a pharmacy when you could simply check Bieber’s bloodstream?

While I could make a bunch of “go back to Canada” jokes about Bieber, the fact of the matter is, if the dude’s really as far gone as it seems, deportation is the least of his worries. You know you fucked up if you don’t even make it to the “27 Club.” I’m going to need Usher to stop fronting like he’s really Sugar Ray Leonard and take some time to talk to his protégé. I know it’s hard to say no to the fast life, but damn son, you can’t have all of the vices. At least choose one, man. Then again, what do I know? I may or may not have had a drink while writing this. Good day.

You Love Ratchet Sh*t

First off, I want to begin this post by saying I’m incredibly indebted to anyone who takes the time to actually read my blog. You could’ve been running in circles or philosophizing about “Hammer Pants,” but you took the time to click on the random links I post across social media. For that, I am eternally grateful. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I’m ashamed of all of you. That’s right, I’m talking to YOU, son! Our culture’s insatiable need for all things ratchet trumps all of the actually important topics we should be discussing. With that being said, I’m treating today’s post as a call to arms. Will you respond?

Truthfully, I got the idea for this post by examining which articles of mine get the most views. Without fail, if I rant about a Pop star, a reality star or anything that is WorldStarHipHop-certified, people hop all over it. When I talk about politicians or any societal ills, I still get a good amount of site clicks, but the numbers are nowhere near as exorbitant. For example, before I revamped the blog, my highest viewed article was a diatribe about the stupid beef between Ludacris, Drake and Big Sean. A close second was my post about the altercation between Frank Ocean and Chris Brown. Mind you, I wrote numerous articles about George Zimmerman, Presidential candidates and Batman, but you fine folks would rather keep up with the TMZ-related bullshit. Side note, I know I shouldn’t have put Batman is the same category, but Bruce Wayne is the Man, man!

To be fair, for a quick millisecond, I thought of only giving the masses unbridled ratchery, but my college degree wouldn’t allow me to, son. While I’ll still make fun of all of the fools who engage in Jedi-level fuckery, I will also continue to spoon-feed y’all the news you need to know. That’s right, I’m doing a service for the people, cotdammit! I feel like the “Rent Is Too Damn High” dude would be proud. On that note, arrivederci, brethren!

I Hate Black Music

Ok, I know the title is a little bit overbearing, but I had to get your attention somehow, son. In actuality, this post has nothing to do with me, but with America as a whole. Apparently, our country doesn’t get down with Black music. Well, that’s what the situation appears to be when you look at the Billboard charts. According to this article, no Black artists had a No. 1 hit on the Hot 100 chart in 2013. Truthfully, as much as I’d like to act surprised, this just serves as another example of Black culture being appropriated while we’re left in the dust.

Now, if there’s anyone who believes I’m simply spewing another sob story, let’s look at the facts, shall we? What do Eminem, Macklemore, Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus have in common? They’re all White artists who scored No. 1 hits operating under the guise of Black music. Shit, Miley took it a step further by twerking her nowhere-to-be-found ass on every cotdamn landmass last year. Adding insult to injury, Robin damn near stole a Marvin Gaye song and then sued the family to keep them from getting to him. It’s a cold, cold world, son.

With all of that being said, this is far from a brand new trend. From Led Zeppelin jacking Willie Dixon to Elvis Presley‘s entire career, Black artists have been imitated for generations. It’s the law of the land, man, well, at least in the United States and England. I guess the greater Caucasian population would rather watch Black artistic expression from other Caucasian people. I mean, shit, wasn’t that the entire premise of Blackface, bruh? Why hire Tyrone to sing and dance when Barry can just buy some shoe polish, son.

To be fair, I’m not blaming the artists themselves for continuing this trend. I actually dig Macklemore’s music and I gooned out to “Blurred Lines” all last summer. I genuinely believe they appreciate their respective artforms, but I’m sure they realize how much they benefit from the circumstances. Hell, Eminem even dedicated his entire “White America” song to this concept back on The Eminem Show. All I know is, Beyoncé and Rihanna need to quit the bullshit and do a song together that’s dope enough to re-combine the continents into Pangaea.

In the end, Tupac said it best: “everybody wanna be a nigga, but nobody wanna be a nigga.” And on that note… Yeeeeeeah… That’s all I’ve got, son. Good day.

You Are Not Beyoncé

Disclaimer: “Feels good to be home, baby! Feels good to be hoooooooome!” – Yeezus

First off, before I even say another word, I’d like to take a bow. The most splendiferous pudding pop you have ever seen has finally made his return to the Interwebz. While I’m positive that last sentence didn’t make any sense, I could truly care less. I’m LC, bitch! I’ll allow you to take a second to bask in the glory of this event……………………….

Ok, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s talk about the most popular topic of the moment: Beyoncé Knowles. Anybody who has read my site before the revamp knows I haven’t always been the biggest fan of Mrs. Carter. While I always thought she was supremely talented, I also thought she had a penchant for making craptastic songs. With that being said, she put me in my place with this new album. I tried to front, but I couldn’t, son. This is the type of album where you roll all of the windows down and dare somebody to say something about your musical choices. In any case, while I’m truly a fan of the record, Beyoncé still committed a sin she’s notoriously known for: giving a few undeserving women unnecessary amounts of confidence.

Look, before I start getting bashed with “you’re sexist” comments, just hear me out. When Beyoncé put out “Irreplaceable” back in the day, OD amounts of women were walking around insulting dudes on some “I can have another you” type of shit. The entire time, I’m thinking, “this chick should be thanking God daily someone wanted to wife her up in the first place.” Don’t let Beyoncé be the reason you’re sitting alone on the couch with a pint of ice cream wondering where Brandon is. As her new sex-filled album will show you, she’s clearly happy at home, son.

Fast forward to today and I’ve seen ridiculous amounts of Facebook, Twitter and Instagram posts referencing “I woke up like this!” Ok, yes, “Flawless” is a dope ass song, but umm, certain individuals shouldn’t be publicizing that for the world to see. Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but if everyone had good eyes, optometrists wouldn’t exist, man. Now, I’m not telling people to have low self-esteem, but realism also helps. While I have a vicious mid-range jumper, I’m fairly positive the Miami Heat don’t need me. Get it? Got it? Good.

In the end, if anyone was even remotely offended but what I just said, either they haven’t read my site before or they forgot who I am. The asshole is back, son! Ahh, it feels so good to be home. Good day, all!

P.S. Shout-out to my dude Asi on his birthday. Live it up, bro!