You’re No UConn Fan

Let me start by saying, UConn‘s entire run in the NCAA tournament has been entertaining as shit to watch, son. If you could get over the fact your bracket was hit with a thousand hadoukens, it’d be a lot easier to enjoy watching this train roll. One year after getting banned by the powers that be, the team came back and reclaimed the throne for the fourth time since 1999. Fuck what you heard, that’s a hell of a story, bruh. Needless to say, I want to congratulate Kevin Ollie, Shabazz Napier and the rest of the Hungry Huskies for shutting March Madness down.

Now, with that out of the way, I’d like to take this time to address the bandwagon hoppers. Keep it real, son, NONE OF YOU PICKED UCONN TO WIN IT ALL! Just look at the numbers, man. Out of over 11 million brackets, only 0.3 percent picked the Huskies to win the title. Shit, only 2.6 percent even had either UConn or the Kentucky Wildcats in the title game, man. So, where did all of these fans come from? After last night’s win, my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram feeds were chock-full of people using phrases like “we did it” and “they doubted us.” Us? When the fuck did their accomplishment become your accomplishment, son? Last time I checked, most of the people I know aren’t from Connecticut and didn’t go to UConn. You brand new fans need to go back to St. Elsewhere with that pole-jocking shit, man.

In the end, this post isn’t for everyone. If you’ve rooted for the Huskies before five minutes ago, continue to revel in the victory. However, if last night was your first time even uttering the team’s name, would you kindly shut the fuck up? Thank you and have a good day.

P.S. This picture of Drake after the Wildcats’ loss is pure jokes to me. It’ll be OK, Aubrey. It’ll be OK.

Shut The F*ck Up, Kobe!

I’ll be the first to admit, it’s very easy to hate on Kobe Bryant. While most people hate him because of his douchebaggy ways on the court, he’s also no stranger to off-the-court tomfoolery. With that being said, I’m not as surprised as I thought I’d be by his recent comments regarding Trayvon Martin. I mean, talk about putting your foot in your mouth, son. Even if you find merit in Kobe’s stance on “societal progression,” it’s abundantly clear he chose the WRONG time to express that belief.

Now, where do I start with the fuckery? Ok, let me begin by saying, if I wasn’t aware of the context of his statement, I’d be inclined to agree with Kobe. Any group, regardless of race, color, creed, etc., shouldn’t just come to a contemporary’s defense without being knowledgable of the situation. Nobody wants to jump off of a ledge only to find out they were mistaken about the pretenses of the incident. Side note, this ideal doesn’t count during a bar fight. Even if my dude is wrong, I’m punching the shit out of whoever else, son. In any case, this type of thought process has no business being brought up when discussing the death of Trayvon.

Now, for those who are unaware, Kobe’s comments came as a response to the Miami Heat donning hoodies in support of the slain teen. Why would this fool choose that particular moment to throw daggers at the Heat players? Since when is it wrong to recognize the life of someone who was unjustly murdered? Then, after realizing how much flack he was catching for his words, Kobe tried to backtrack and say he believed Trayvon was “wronged.” Well, if that’s what he truly believes, that makes his criticism that much more ridiculous. If he actually feels the system failed Trayvon, his condemnation of others for reacting has absolutely no merit. This would mean the Heat players, and anyone who showed solidarity, are completely justified in their actions. Way to make yourself look like more of an asshole than you already are, Kobe Bryant.

All in all, this clown should just get back to focusing on “hero ball.” That’s all he’s really good for anyway. As a man who doesn’t pass the ball, maybe he shouldn’t pass commentary either. Keep your stupidity to yourself, Bean.

Let’s Just Skip To The Eastern Conference Finals

Normally, I try to think of some clever quip I can utilize as a title for a post. This is not one of those days, people. Sometimes, getting straight to the point is the best option. Now, as you can clearly tell from the header, the NBA playoffs are heavily on my mind, bro. After watching last night’s rumble between the Miami Heat and the Indiana Pacers, all I can think about is how dope the Eastern Conference Finals is going to be. I mean, at this point, why are we even playing the rest of the regular season? Let’s just skip the formalities and head straight to the slugfest.

Now, before reading the rest of this post, I want everyone to just take a look at the current league standings. At first glance, I’m sure you’ll witness something quite interesting: the 8th seed in the Western Conference has a better record than the 3rd seed in the Eastern Conference. Yes, you read that right, son. That’s how fucking bad the Eastern Conference is. If it wasn’t for the Heat and the Pacers, the entire East might have been demoted to the Development League. Shit, at this point, they should just do that anyway. For God’s sake, the 7th and 8th seeds in the East don’t even have winning records! They don’t deserve a damn spot in the playoffs. Besides, nobody wants to see the Charlotte Bobcats or the Atlanta Hawks play anyway. Side note, don’t even get me started on the bum ass New York Knicks, son. Fuck what you heard, Phil Jackson can’t save that circus act, man.

With all of that being said, let’s all avoid the Eastern Conference tomfoolery. We all know the series between the Heat and the Pacers is going to seven games, so let’s just enjoy that. This rivalry has everything you want, son. LeBron James versus Paul George, Roy Hibbert dominating inside and Lance Stephenson being the most Brooklyn nigga you can imagine. It’s Grade A entertainment, bro. I don’t know what else to say, man. Dear God, please bestow upon us a time machine so we can skip the next month and a half. Thank you, kindly. Amen.

Raymond Felton’s Heat Check

Disclaimer: I don’t give two shits about what y’all think, son. That title is too clever. I impress the hell out of myself sometimes, man. I’m a cold son of a bitch!

Damn, damn, damn, James! It’s such a dirty game out here, son. It seems as if everyday, some people get stupider and others become more trifling. No situation currently epitomizes that dichotomy more than Raymond Felton‘s recent predicament. In this case, he’s the pure idiot and his soon-to-be ex-wife is the trifling party. As if the New York Knicks‘ season wasn’t criminal enough, I guess Felton felt it was needed to add a gun charge to the mix. It’s brilliant, son. Just brilliant.

Now, in case you haven’t heard, Felton turned himself in yesterday morning and was charged with criminal possession of a weapon in the second, third and fourth-degrees. Apparently, his estranged wife brought a gun to the 20th police precinct in Manhattan and claimed it was his. In addition, she asserted he waved the gun around in an “aggressive way” on four occasions. All in all, if everything is as clear as it appears, Felton is fucked. Like, super fucked, son. A gun charge in NY? That could be a minimum of three and a half years in prison if he’s convicted.

Ok, now that the facts are out of the way, I have two feelings on this matter. First, Felton is a cotdamn idiot. Does he not realize what state he’s in? Has he never heard of Plaxico Burress, Lil Wayne or Ja Rule? All three of those fools went to jail for carrying a weapon in New York. Why on Earth would he risk his career like that? Yes, I know he’s fat and playing like absolute basura, but his $10 million contract is lightyears ahead of the money most of us are seeing. The words “dumb,” “stupid” and “buffoonish” don’t even begin to describe the mess he’s put himself in.

Second, his wife is officially on Jedi-level “Snitchy McRat” status. It’s one thing to file for divorce, but turning him in on a weapons charge is a completely different beast, man. I understand people have their differences, but c’mon son! What part of the game is this, man? Just divorce the dude, woman! You have to send him to jail too?! People are absolutely ruthless these days, son. On top of that, her story sounds shaky to me. She claims he waved the gun around, but there’s conflicting stories about whether he ever pointed it at her. So what exactly is she trying to say? Was she or was she not in danger? It sounds like a bunch of malarky to fuck his situation up.

In the end, I’ve said all I have to say, son. We’ll see how this all plays out, but if either one of these individuals had common sense, this debacle could’ve been avoided. Alas, that’s not how humanity works, man. Viva la Homo sapiens!